A
male
age
51-59,
*r Clark
writes:Perhaps I'm wrong, but it seems to me there's a tendancy these days to want to think that men and women are identical, or close to it, in most or all respects.As an (obviously unscientific) experiment, I created both a fake male profile and a fake female profile on an adult dating website. The descriptions of both were virtually identical (attractive, in good shape, looking for fun, no strings attached sex, etc.)The male profile generated very few responses. The female profile was absolutely inundated with responses almost instantly. I expected some differences, of course, but the results were something like 50 to 1. Why the huge difference? There are roughly equal numbers of men and women, but there appears to be a huge difference in the number of men vs women looking for casual sex. Are men and women "wired" that much differently due to different evolutionary forces, or is this primarily due to differences in how men and women are raised and/or differences in terms of what behavior is considered to be acceptable in society? I often read statements on this website and others to the effect that "women enjoy sex just as much as men". But, if this is true, certainly there must be differences in what circumstances that are required for women to enjoy sex? Also, if this is true, why don't women pursue sex with the same vigor as men?As a male, I can easily understand why men would want to have no strings attached sex with a woman they barely know. But, I don't completely understand why so few women apparently want this? I realize the simple answer is that women want to be in a more committed relationship than men, women associate sex with emotional attachment, etc. But, is it really that simple? It seems to me that women are so much different than men (or at least me!), that it can be difficult for us men to fully understand women. After 30 years of trying , I still end up just scratching my head at times!I'm attempting to understand women's sexuality better in the hopes that it will improve my relationship with my girlfriend. For example, I suspect I annoy her at times because I'm ready for sex at almost any given time (I typically get wood just hugging her for a few seconds), and I think she often feels pressured.For women, do you tend to view the male population as a heard of dudes looking to have sex with you by any means possible, with you trying to find a good one who is looking for more than just sex? Or, do you just pick the one you're most attracted to and go for it?At the risk of getting off track, I have often thought that men are not quite as simple as women tend to think we are. Perhaps it's because we change as we get older and womens' understanding of men tends to be largely formed based on their early experiences with very young men.For example, I might be the only man on the planet who experiences this, but it can be quite painful emotionally if I'm in a long term relationship with a woman I care about and she frequently refuses sex. Sex isn't just physical for me, a big part of it has to do with feeling close to the woman I care about. (given the results of my adult dating website "experiment" it's obvious that many men are not like this)
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female
reader, Rain Flower +, writes (1 March 2011):
 Women, like myself, often times enjoy long realationships more. We feel men are just using us for our bodies. the reason we worry about this is because we don't want to give 20 to 30 years of our lives to a man and than have him leave us because we get older and our bodies aren't so hot anymore.
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (24 February 2011): There is the person's own estimation of their worth that comes into play as well, reinforced by societal rules that are largely unwritten/unspoken but "understood".The woman who cannot attract AND keep a man (who becomes specifically her man) can get looked down on and generally doesn't feel all that good about herself no matter how many sexual partners she has and the greater the numbers the shorter the relationships the worse they tend to view themselves.Yet, a man, who is just looking to get laid by as many women as possible, in as short a time as possible, may think he is just the cat's meow, and usually gets reinforcement from society that he is somehow better than the guy who just stays with his wife and "belongs to the woman" he is with. Yet, he may be in no better shape than the woman mentioned above, as he may be unable to maintain a long term relationship for a variety of reasons, and may not be able to pass on his genes to the next generation.There are very complex reasons both psychologically and sociologically that this happens.So, the real issue with the internet "study" you did is "what percentage of the population does that represent, and how serious were all those inquiries, and how many of them have the capability of passing on their genes in the reproduction race.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (23 February 2011): I personally believe that a majority of woman want a stable partner who will connect with them emotionally before sexually. We want to feel safe. We want a partner that can stand by us, not run around visiting a host of ladies.
I also believe that men desire sex before emotional connection. As a relationship is formed, however, sex often becomes less about lust and more about connecting with one's partner (If the man is mature and really wants this, of course). You seem like a mature man who has entered a stage in your life where you value sex as a tool to greater connectedness.
From an evolutionary view, I would say that women want a stable partner to stand by them and protect them should they reproduce, and men want to sow their oats to widen their gene pool, thus desire the attention of many women. A woman who's dating profile includes "no strings attached sex" is thus very attractive to men, while a man's dating profile that includes "committed and sensitive" becomes very attractive to women.
In short, yes, I believe men and women are wired differently. What is nice about being human, however, is the ability to overlook that evolutionary wiring in order to find love in it's truest sense. Sexually, and emotionally.
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A
female
reader, k_c100  +, writes (23 February 2011):
 Ok it is quite simple - women enjoy sex just as much as men, but 99% of women want sex in a committed relationship format, rather than 'no strings attached' sex that you advertised on those profiles.
Men on the other hand, will take sex in any way, shape or form that it is offered to them (in the majority of cases).
Women approach sex very differently to men, we even have a different release of hormones following sex to men. We are naturally designed to feel 'attached' to a man after sex, because in evolutionary terms, sex was there for reproductive purposes, therefore if a woman gets pregnant by a man she would have needed him to be around to provide for the family while the child is young and unable to care for itself. These evolutionary traits are still with us today, the majority of women struggle with 'no strings attached' because they are biologically designed to get attached to whoever they have sex with.
Whereas men dont have this - in evolutionary terms men are designed to reproduce also, but they are not the direct carers for the children, they are only the providers so they are designed to 'sow their seed' in order to reproduce as much as possible. Just as many mammals dont have 1 partner all their lives, they reproduce with multiple, men were designed to be this way hence why the idea of casual sex is still so appealing today.
As a woman, when I am looking for a partner (so to speak) - generally I am wary of men as most will be happy with a one night thing and wont want more. So if I want a boyfriend - then I will not have sex with a guy right away so I can judge his intentions. If I am not looking for anything at all but I meet a nice guy - I have in the past had one night things, or casual relationships and they have been great. But most of the time I would always want a relationship, especially if I meet a really nice guy!
As for the latter part of your post - I think what you feel is very common in men and of course it is hurtful. Refusing sex, whether it is the male or female who is not getting sex, is always painful and causes problems in a relationship. It makes you feel rejected, unattractive and like a horny kid that is being a nuisance. Sex in a relationship makes you feel closer, brings pleasure and allows you to spend time together alone (which can be rare in today's busy world!). Every boyfriend I have had has expressed similar feelings (not that I was refusing sex, more that they want sex so much because you feel more connected to each other).
With regards to your girlfriend - getting turned on all the time by her is a good thing, she will be flattered that you are so attracted to her! But if it is all the time, and even from things like hugging her then I can imagine she is feeling a bit pressured, having sex daily requires a huge sex drive and it is unrealistic to expect that of your partner. Being turned on = good, acting like a horny teenager = bad! As much as you may be up for it any time, respect that her libido is unlikely to reflect yours and think about this when all you have is sex on the mind. Try doing something nice for her instead, like running her a bath with wine and candles, or making dinner for her. That way she knows you do think about her from time to time rather than thinking about your penis all day!
But overall, I would suggest you dont worry about this too much! The differences in male and female sexuality are mostly biological and there is nothing you can do to change that. Just try and tone it down a bit with your desire for sex and I'm sure your relationship will be just fine.
I hope this helps and good luck!
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A
male
reader, BrownWolf  +, writes (23 February 2011):
Start by looking at how men and women are generally brought up. Young girls are given dolls, teddy bears, doll houses, clothes to play dress up, fake make up, etc. They are shown from a young age to care for themselves, look good (make up), look after a house, and babies (toys). They are told about boys…mainly to stay away from them. Fathers are over protective, and so girls will be shy around boys…generally. They look for all the bad things their parent told them about boys, and therefore are more cautious.
Boys…we get toy cars, toy guns, skateboard, toy tools, etc. We are allowed to go play in the dirt where a girl maybe told not to. We are not told how to look after a home, or help our mothers around the house, cooking, cleaning, or any stuff the typical man would consider girly. As we get older, we are allowed to pretty much go anywhere, because in a typical father’s mind “he can’t get pregnant,” failing to realize that he can get some other girl pregnant. Even if the father finds out his son had sex, he is most likely to get a pat on the back compare to his daughter.
So, when your own father or parents makes you feel as a young boy or young man, that it is ok to sex the world and we will still love you… well? Let do it!!!
As young girl or woman, she knows her father or parents will most likely disown her for sleeping around like her male counter part.
So as much as women want sex from men, they have to control themselves in fear of being labeled a slut, a whore, and many other colourful names we men and even their parents will come up with.
Women are NOT complicated. But when we are not told anything useful about the other sex, other than boy are bad, and have a penis. Girls are sweet, and have a vagina…then you get the world as we have it today. They have sex education in schools. That just tells you how to have sex, and where babies come from. Does it tell you how a man should treat a woman? That he should not hit her? That sex is not game? We would gladly teach our kids how to play sports, fix a car, bake cookies…but when it come to life lessons, most parents can’t do it. The most we hear growing up “You are not old enough for that.” “You are too young to know what love is.” And the best for their daughters is “If you get pregnant, don’t come home to me.”
When you start life like this, what do you think happens when our hormones kick in? Sure we want sex as men, we were made that way. But if we have no rules from a young age…it is just sex…a game of how much, and that famous line “No strings attached.” Women become a play thing, and the moment she does not want to play anymore and get serious…the next famous line comes out “I need space” or “I am not ready for this.” How could we be ready, when no one gave us rules? Women are told if they are good to their man, the man will be good to them. Problem is…no one told the man to be good to his woman. We are told to find a good woman…now what? Oh yeah I know…sex. Then he hears “I’m pregnant.” Well, I don’t know that one, so…It’s not mine. But that is ok to some degree because, she was already given most of the skill needed to look after a child…we were not. Toy guns, cars, and tools…yeah, I don’t so.
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A
male
reader, firstlovelastlove +, writes (23 February 2011):
 What a great 'experiment'.
When I was in my early 30s I had just gone through a divorce and was working full time while going to school full time. I met a woman who was doing the same. We both lived alone, were physically fit and single. We became really good friends and we would talk a lot. We never had sex, etc. We were both amazed at how similar our experiences were when it came to this subject. We talked about how many people in married/committed relationships would hit on us and hit on us hard i.e. exposing themselves, etc.
I think 'the fly in the ointment' here is that this 'experiment' was done on the Internet. In the physical world, as opposed to the virtual world, it has been my experience and those of my friends, that men and women have the same attitude towards sex. And those attitudes are just as varied as the men and women are themselves. I hope this sheds a little light on the subject.
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A
female
reader, MissVee  +, writes (23 February 2011):
What a great experiment! I absolutely love it!While it is true that women enjoy sex, we're more likely to seek an emotional connection than a sexual connection. Sometimes an emotional connection overrides a sexual one. I'm not sure whether this is biological, or whether sex roles or social conditioning are to blame. Perhaps both of these things impact greatly.Personally, I seek men who are first and foremost rather beautiful to look at. However, I don't look at them and say, "Hey, what do this man and my dresser have in common - haha, wood!". I simply enjoy beauty, and initially I tend to look at men in exactly the same way as I look at a piece of art: Very nice, would look sensational in my living room, maybe even my bedroom, really catches the eye, wow, look at that, still in perfect condition and hasn't the artist done a dandy job!Of course, if I wanted a painting, I would buy a painting. Therefore a man has to have something more than just the ability to look nice in my living room and to attract admiring gazes from acquaintances. He must come with some papers - an Oxford degree is something of an aphrodisiac to me ;) - or at least something in the IQ department. Personally, the idea of a sensational looking man who needs to be reminded how to spell his own name doesn't appeal.These two things are the things which seem to appeal to most of the women I know. The importance of seeking men with looks and a decent IQ have been "bred" into us and dictated to us by our mothers and grandmothers, by the media and by our acquaintances: Looks, and intellect, we're told, equal perfection. From a survival stand-point, I understand why women seek clever, fit men, they are able to "provide" and outsmart wild animals ;) As for looks, I suppose we're all a little bit shallow, if we're honest, men and women alike! It's wired into us to snag the best mate possible for the creation of beautiful and healthy children.Who in their right mind would want some sexually-fixated so-and-so with only one thing on his mind when there is the option to choose a refined and emotionally-mature man??!!As for a woman refusing to have sex with a man, you need to understand that our hormones are MENTAL. Seriously, they rage through us, make us prisoners in our own bodies. That may account for it, otherwise she just might not be that sexual of a person, pure and simple. Different appetites exist in different people.
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A
female
reader, largentsgirl89 +, writes (23 February 2011):
 I don't think you can group all women into one group and all men into one group. Every person is different on an emotional and physical level, especially when it comes to sex. I love sex with my fiance, I thorougly enjoy it. I feel close to him and we share an intimate moment, but he doesn't want sex as much as I do. I know there are couples out there that are opposite of that.
I don't really think about the consequences of my actions ahead of time and he does. We are different, but we work.
SOme men like casual sex, some men don't, some men only enjoy sex when it's with someone they are in love with or feel close to and the same goes for women.
Biologically men and women are wired different in their brains pre-existing to birth. There is an article I read that explained in detail the differences, I'll look for it and if I can find it I''ll post it for you.
We are wired different, but sometimes those wires get crossed and we want different things even though we aren't wired to. Depends on the individual. And whoever said men aren't complicated, they haven't met my fiance.
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