A
female
age
41-50,
*ummykub
writes:I have been seeing my boyfriend for over a year, and I am besotted by him. However, he is a very passionate and attractive man and had a number of romantic flings while with his long-term ex gf of 15 yrs (girl A - who he says he was with for the children. He says he adores me and that he did what he did because he was unhappy and looking for something which he has now found in me.The prob is that I am so scared of losing him, it keeps me up at night, and I find it difficult to trust him. I am ashamed to say that I checked his emails so see if he was being faithful. He is, but the only thing is that he is still in touch with another ex from 15 yrs ago (girl B) who now lives abroad (he told me himself that they have emailed over the years). They had a very passionate affair which ended when she went back to her country, he didn't follow, met girl A and had 2 kids. He and girl B stayed in touch and had a weekend fling when she visited UK 10 years ago. He stopped emailing her for the last year (while with me), but recently responded to one from her saying she was sad that he had lost touch. They called each other 'darling', and said they missed each other. He even said 'I have split up with GF [girl A] now so you can stay on my sofa if you ever visit UK again' - and he didn't mention me. Is this just empty flirtation out of habit, a fantasy, or fear of getting old (he is 44)? Or is he lining up another fling? He constantly reassures me that he loves me and would never cheat on me. I just adore him and don't know if I am blinded by love or just over-reacting. Would really appreciate your honest advice :)
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affair, ex girlfriend, flirt, his ex, split up Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, shandygirl  +, writes (25 September 2008):
 Yep...Snooping does make things worse. It makes the snooper have irrational thoughts and as a result, have irrational reactions. I am guilty of that myself. LoL.
One of the things I love about this website, is you get views from all sorts of people, then you can decide what to do from there.
For instance... you have my advice, a person who sometimes reacts out of uncontainable impulse in certain situations. And then you have a more level headed answerer such as "hlskitten" After reading HER answer, I thought to myself.... ya, that makes sense.
I am glad to see what your decision was.
Take care XXX
A
female
reader, rummykub +, writes (24 September 2008):
rummykub is verified as being by the original poster of the question Many thanks for reading my question and answering. Feel pleasantly reassured by hlskitten particularly, of course! But, as shandygirl says, I live in fear that he can't change his spots, but he doesn't really have the free time for a fling!
I don't think I can confront him though. I don't think he'd ever trust me again. It's such a betrayal to snoop - and imagine if he knew i'd posted his private musings here! I do feel quite guilty actually.
Btw, I have not checked his emails since, as I realised that it really screwed me up. And I suspect everyone flirts a little via email - I'd be mortified if he read some of mine, as he'd undoubtedly read something into them, but they are innocent, and maybe his are too. And if he is going to cheat, he'll do it anyway. May as well assume the best until I have proof otherwise, and try to chill out.
Anyway, thanks again. This is my first question, and seeing your answers to my obsessions was thrilling! I suspect this site is like heroin to worriers!
xxx
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A
female
reader, hlskitten +, writes (24 September 2008):
 At the start of your question, it sounded pretty harmless, even emailing her now n then didn't ring alarm bells. She's abroad after all. Whats a tad worrying is the fact he didn't mention you when suggesting the sofa thing.
Even so it still sounds just like a keeping in touch thing, and there doesn't sound like much untaward talk going on, judging by the sleeping on the sofa comment.
The only way you are going to get reassurance is to speak to him. Say to him 'you know you say you will never cheat, but why haven't you told this ex abroad about me then?'
Yes he will know you have checked his emails, but be honest, and say your instincts are telling you something is going on behind your back, thats why you did it, and the email hasn't actually reassured you.
But i guess thats proof that snooping can make things worse, when possibly they aren't something to be concerned about.
C xxxxxx
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A
female
reader, shandygirl +, writes (24 September 2008):
I have been in the same situation as you. So I KNOW the pain you are going through. But, I am a fighter. When cornered into a situation like this, I confront. If it were me, I would print out copies of all his romantic emails between the two of them, and ask him "what is going on here?" And I would tell him to STOP it right now! OR, I would email her, and let her know that YOU are his GF, and ask "what is going on here?" Expect a fight though, if you do this. And expect him to change the paword to his email address. But you will find the truth, if that is what you want.
SOME men are just "compulsive cheaters" by nature. It is like an illness. Never satisfied with just one woman. It isn't because YOU aren't good enough, it is THEIR problem. Like being a drug addict or alcoholic. From what you said "had a number of romantic flings while with his long-term ex gf of 15 yrs" ... he fits the profile.
Good Luck, and keep me updated.
XXX
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