A
male
age
36-40,
*llithid
writes:I'm losing faith in humanity in general and myself in particular here.A little more than five weeks ago, my fiancée dumped me. I'm 25, she's 21, and we had been together for over 3 years, engaged for over one year. We were making good progress planning the wedding, having even picked the photographers, the color scheme, the location, the wedding party, the guest list, the wedding dress, etc. Then she dumped me without warning or explanation and refused to talk to me. She insisted that we take one week to "think about how we feel", but she spent that week telling everyone on Facebook that she feels "free and light" now and feels good about it. The day before the week was up, we chatted online and she agreed to see me at a restaurant the next day to answer questions, explain why she dumped me abruptly, and give me closure. The next day, two hours before I was supposed to see her, she emailed and said she'd report me for domestic violence if I ever contact her again (I never laid a hand on her!).Now, know that she's been a bit fanatical in her love of me for those three years, writing over the top love notes, making me swear to never leave her or let her leave me, insisting that she could never live without me, pushing for me to elope with her because she couldn't wait for the wedding, hiding my keys so I couldn't go home at night (though I always found them), and seeing me six days a week because she couldn't go without me. Then all of a sudden, poof, she never wants to see me again.I got the cliché lines "It's not you, it's me. I've changed. I just don't feel that spark anymore. I love you, but I'm just not in love with you anymore." She insisted that we will stay friends, but then sends nasty emails if I send her even a link to a joke or news article. She IM'd me, but was nasty when I replied. And then she threatened the cops rather than spend an hour over a meal (that would have been my treat anyway) to explain why I lost my fiancée, girlfriend, and best friend without warning. Now, it's been 5 weeks and I can't even get my stuff back because I can't even get a hold of her family to make the swap.Then last night, I found out why. A mutual friend saw on this girl's facebook that she's now dating a mutual friend of ours that she met through World of Warcraft. This is a man who's 15 years older than her (mid 30's) that lives 600 miles away and who she had never met in person before (to my knowledge), and now she's put up a profile pic of her sitting on his lap all smiles. She's been talking to him on the phone for a couple of years, insisting he's just a good friend, and I figured that a man 15 years her senior and 600 miles away was safe enough. Apparently not. I was curious why he suddenly blocked me on Facebook too, and all of a sudden quit replying to my emails, but it makes more sense now.I'm a 25 year old college grad working a tech job and was always good to her (by her own admission to me and to a few friends of hers that passed it on to me), but she left me for a 35 year old man with no job, living with his parents, half a country away. Fine, so I'm better off without her, whatever.But of my two relationships, one was cheating on me with four (FOUR) other men, and the second called off our engagement for a man almost twice her age and at least a day's drive away. I'm feeling like I'm apparently just not cut out for this whole "relationship" thing. I'm tall, have a full head of hair, average build, have a good job, NEVER cheat, don't lie, smoke, drink, or do drugs, I even eat girls out without asking for a blow in return. I am emotionally supportive, forgiving, patient, and willing to commit. My friends think I'm funny (as did this girl until just recently), I'm vaguely popular, I make the girl in my life my priority and always shower her with compliments and affection, and I'm even a guy that LIKES to cuddle and nap without having to be sexual. But I get either can't get a girlfriend, or get abandoned or ignored when I can get a girl in the first place.I'm feeling like just giving up.Is there such a thing as an honest, moral, christian, slightly geeky girl that will not betray me? Should I just accept that dating is just a fun ride until I get hurt again? Can I find a single woman that won't leave me with nothing but questions and trust issues? Are all women whores? Or does it just come back to the obvious truth that men don't matter and one's just as good as another, and clearly all are unworthy of committing to?
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best friend, christian, drugs, engaged, facebook, get a girlfriend, I love you, spark, violent, wedding, world of warcraft Reply to this Question
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (30 October 2009): Wait.. it was 5 weeks since the breakup (at the time of this post) and you already had a date? Wow, good for you... Took me two months after my ex-fiancee ended it with me to start dating again, and I thought I was rushing in too fast!
A
female
reader, scythe  +, writes (30 October 2009):
 "Is there such a thing as an honest, moral, christian, slightly geeky girl that will not betray me?"Yup :) Sounds a lot like me (bit complicated on the christian point tho). I know a handful of women that also fit this description.A poster below said that you've only sampled 2 women out of the entire female population. Keep trying :) A couple of points - take the depression seriously. I've headed down that road and you don't want to walk it longer than necessary. Exercise, good food, good friends and a positive mind set works well. Medical help and counselors does too. Depends on what's right for you.Remind yourself of the positives... lucky you didn't marry her huh! And the point that gets me through the day: relationships take work. Constant effort. Sometimes it's hard, sometimes it's easy to make the effort. What matters is that you keep on putting it in.Keep us updated :)
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (29 October 2009): your doing all the right things hang ough and youll be fine. you dodged a bullet
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (29 October 2009): yes some women are trustworthy but unfortunately at times just like men you have to search to find one.
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A
male
reader, Illithid +, writes (29 October 2009):
Illithid is verified as being by the original poster of the question Oh yes, I forgot to mention that didn't I? I DID get my stuff back and I gave her stuff back. It was through a third party (her dad) because she wouldn't even face me, but the swap was made.
And I've only been engaged once. The first girlfriend was what I would call a "serious relationship", but there was no ring involved. I move fairly slowly in a relationship (marriage is a big deal) and it was two years into my second relationship before I proposed.
And I forgot to add that the guy 600 miles away and 15 years older than her is now her fiancé. She left me for him and within two months he proposed to her. I say he can HAVE her, but it does explain why she wouldn't face me.
I lost my job two weeks ago, haven't found a new girlfriend yet, and am having a bit of a bout with depression at the moment, but I have great friends around me and am taking care of my health (losing weight and joining a martial arts class), am trying to be more social, and I'll find a good woman some day. I just need to be patient, I suppose. I still don't know where to look (online dating is failing me), but I'll keep an eye open.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (29 October 2009): One: She should be giving you your stuff back and you dont have to be a puppy dog about it. Send her a certified letter detailing the items you want and specifying that she must respond to you with in a week. Then sue her in small claims court. Two: This is what you get from dating someone who is nuts. If they are unstable friends and they are a little nutty then its not going to get any better. You may think "she is crazy, but she is crazy for me", well it doesnt stay that way. She goes off the rails and panics about the wedding and her stupid friends are all up in her head telling her how to act. Face it- you dodge a bullet here because she was going to have issues at some point. Three: 25 is too young for a guy to be engaged twice. Promise yourself that under no circumstances will you get engaged again before you are 30. Dont even let your mind start going down that road.
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A
female
reader, Lola1  +, writes (29 October 2009):
 I met one of my best friends online. We tried dating, but it didn't work out. He and his wife are joining me and my boyfriend and a few other friends at my boyfriend's LakeHouse this November for my birthday.
The right connection for you will be made someplace, somtime. All you have to do is be open (as you are doing - yay!). It will find you.
Good luck and enjoy Halloween! It is my favourite time of the year... BOO!
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A
female
reader, eyeswideopen +, writes (29 October 2009):
 Just stay as visible as you can and you'll meet girls. Glad you found a new friend, can't have too many of those.
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A
male
reader, Illithid +, writes (29 October 2009):
Illithid is verified as being by the original poster of the questionA little late, but here's the update:
I went out with a girl I met through online dating (SoulGeek if you're curious) and we liked each other enough to go on two more dates. This weekend we're going to a Halloween costume party together and joining a local tabletop gaming group with some mutual friends. She seems intelligent, mature, Christian, and trustworthy. But she's not terribly funny, we don't match up in virtually any interests, and she's admitted that she's utterly asexual.
She's become just a new friend, but I'm going to get back in there and try again. I have no clue where I'm supposed to go meet more girls, but I'm not giving up just yet.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (6 October 2009): Illithid, how did the date go? and did it reaffirm your belief that there are still some good women out here?
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A
female
reader, Lola1 +, writes (2 October 2009):
Yes! Here's to Q and his being him. (Raises a drink)
And here's to our friend, Illithid, who does NOT think all women are whores, and is dusting himself off and trying again.
Have a wonderful date. Take it one day at a time. Remain true to you.
Cheers!
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A
female
reader, eyeswideopen +, writes (2 October 2009):
q has a very unique way of cheering up our most depressed and disillusioned posters. And his methods are also very effective, colorful certainly, but effective. See? Even our dear Illithid got a chuckle out of his answer. Thank you q for being you.
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reader, anonymous, writes (2 October 2009): Dude,
Everybody gets hurt, it aint you its life.
Youve got a date this week, go with an open mind and enjoy it.
Why worry about the long term you dont kow what time you have left.
Go with you gut instinct and you will be fine.
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A
male
reader, Illithid +, writes (2 October 2009):
Illithid is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks guys (including Q, who made me laugh, thank you but I'm a virgin and not going to revenge hump anyone). I think "whore" was entirely excessive, just coming out of hurt. All I really meant to say was that I want a girl I can trust. This last girl didn't CHEAT on me, just called off an engagement with me without even telling me why because her affection wandered. And yes, that's life. Even marriage doesn't always last forever. It's just fear and hurt.
Actually, this is partially prompted by the fact that I have a date this Saturday (just confirmed the time after posting this question) and I'm a little nervous about getting back into the game after having been off the market for a while. I'm trying to feel more confident, I'm seeing a counselor, and I'm praying a lot and spending a lot of time with close friends.
It's just hard sometimes to put myself back out there again, knowing that realistically there's a good chance I'll get lied to, cheated on, or abandoned again before I find a good woman, wading through a sea of bad girls.
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A
female
reader, QuirkLady +, writes (2 October 2009):
 Eh, we all have bad relationships. They make the good ones so much sweeter. It sounds like your last ex was a Psycho Sid-level crazy and you are better off without her. Don't let the bad ones get you down. There are good women out there ready and waiting to jump on a good guy like you.
Be patient and things will get better.
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A
male
reader, CaringGuy  +, writes (1 October 2009):
I am glad to say that not all women are whores, so please don't think that. there are a lot of fantastic women out there, and if you think they are all whores, you'll never actually find the one you're looking for. You need some time just to yourself to get over all this past hurt. At the moment, you seem to be hurt and angry (which is understandable), so have a good rant and punch a pillow, do some crying, then start over. Start a hobby that you like where other women will be as well. Then you'll have a common interest. Then just take your time getting to know her. The type of girl you're looking for is usually shy, so you need to do the approacing. Take your time. You'll find her.
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A
female
reader, petina1 +, writes (1 October 2009):
 You have been burnt my friend. Sounds like you are too nice and some women would take advantage of that. Youre confidence is an all time low. Not all women are like that but unfortunately it could take a long time to find on that is perfect for you, are you willing to take the chance again. Try not to dwell on these awful women and what they have done to you. You need to be strong and put it all behind you. Sounds like youve had a lucky escape as well. Just think if you'd have married then found out what she was like, What a waste of money for the ceremony etc. In this virtual reality world people are getting sucked in all over the place, I'll bet you this girl hasnt found her true love there. Harden up a bit now cos some girls can take advantage of you. Give more when you get appreciated for it. Hope this helps.
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A
female
reader, Rose_red_09 +, writes (1 October 2009):
Well they say that a girl's got to kiss alot of frogs before she meets the Prince - and so the same goes for a guy...though obviously you want to meet a Princess i.e honest, moral, christian, slightly geeky girl.I know it doesn't make you feel any better but I bet everyone on here has got stories of total despair and heartbreak and have laid awake at night screaming 'Why???'. It's just the experiences of life and relationships and though this girl may have dumped on you - it really doesn't mean that every woman will.Give yourself sometime to get angry, be hurt etc and then just move on with your life, don't let her get the better of you as you really do deserve more.
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A
female
reader, puds123  +, writes (1 October 2009):
ok i get why your feeling low if you didnt feel this way it wouldnt be healthy but at least your trying to deal with it. Of course their are lovely girls out their that wont hurt you, you just have to find the right girl. Your really young you have loads of time to find the right person for you! A lot of women think the same thing about men but love isnt a walk in the park it gets messy and hurtful but you cant have the good without the bad and if its worth having then itll be worth going to through a fe sour apples to get a great girl!!dont give up youll find your perfect girl!!!
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A
female
reader, Lola1 +, writes (1 October 2009):
My poor, broken-hearted friend... I will forgive the "are all women whores?" question because you are hurting. :-) No hard feelings, ok?
Yes, plenty of girls are honest, moral, Christian, slightly geeky and won't betray you. You have only dated two of the entire population of women who share this planet with you. They are not representative of the gender.
Here is what you need to remember.
You are a prize, a diamond in the rough. Won't the girl of your dreams ALSO be a rare gem? It will take time and effort to find her, but you will so be patient.
In the meantime, if it makes you feel any better, this idiot ex of yours will likely regret this decision (too bad for her). 35 year old losers who live with mom and have no job, but play "World of Warcraft" are usually disappointing "lovers". It sounds like they deserve each other. I’m sure her family is very proud… (not).
At any rate, think of the disaster you just avoided. You could have MARRIED and had children with this woman! Sounds like you got out just in time.
Good luck and be good to you.
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A
female
reader, eyeswideopen +, writes (1 October 2009):
Aww Buddy it's just the pain from your recent break up that is causing all this bitterness and disillusionment. You are only 25 and only had two serious relationships, for crying out loud. Once your pain subsides you'll be able to get right back out there playing the dating game. Of course you'll find the future Mrs.Illithid, and she will be everything you'd hoped for all along. Trust me pal, I'm a woman and I don't lie.
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