A
male
age
51-59,
*otallyhollow
writes:Ok, im not normally one to post my issues for the world to see, but im seriously heading downhill extremely fast. Let me start with a little history. I have always had major battles with depression. My last relationship took a serious toll on my mind. I fell for a woman that at took total advantage of my kindness to the point of making me totally insecure, which totally isnt me. Everything started out great, but within a couple of weeks i had feelings that she was into someone else and was more or less just using me for money and stringing me along. I fought these feelings for a bit but then for some reason had this horrible urge to check her cell phone. What i discovered was text messages between her and my best friend, that i had introduced her to the night that we met, saying that they wanted each and missed each other. After confronting her with it, she convinced me that it was just a stupid drunk mistake and there was nothing between them. Of course he denied it completely because he was married with kids and im sure didnt want me saying anything to his wife, who was a really good friend. I ended up dismissing the whole thing because i was really into this woman and didnt really want to ditch her that fast. That and with my history of depression i started to think that i was making to big a deal about the whole thing. We eventually ended up moving in together close to where i was living. She wasnt working anymore at this time so the financial burden fell completely on me. That didnt bother me as i have always been a guy that likes to be the provider so to speak. No its not a macho controlling guy thing,, lol. I would sayt that within a week of moving in together i started to have those feelings again that something just wasnt right. I would talk to her about it but would get things like "you need to stop", or "im sick of hearing about it". I started feeling totally insecure and paranoid at the same time. In my head i thought that there was no way that my best friend was doing anything to hurt me behind my back. A couple of days i stayed home from work to get some things done around the house, and out of the blue here comes my best friend pulling into the driveway. The look on his face was concerning(shock) but I gave him the benefit of the doubt that he was there to see when a b-day party was going to be,, even though i was supposed to be at work. Another time i stayed home and he came over looking for his hat that he had left, great on the fly excuse, i had suprised him yet again by being there during the day. The thoughts that were running through my head were totally consuming me. I couldnt focus on work, couldnt keep myself from wanting to talk to her about my feelings, which would instantly start a major fight between us. I was feeling completely worthless. I had convinced her to go back to school because she never could before with any of her men. I was paying for everything and just wanted to make her happy. The school would call adn leave messages on the answering maching that they need to talk to her about her attendance. Of course i couldnt ask her about it without it turning into total drama. I knew by how she had been acting that she wasnt really into me anymore, and that was extremely painful. She had finally left me, on my birthday, to get away from things for a bit or so she said. That day at work i got a phone call from my friends wife that he had left her. Everything inside me went numb at that moment and i knew exactly what was going on. I fell into a deep deep depression and took some time off work to be at the house. All i did was drink and cry(shut up) lol. I eventually got myself to go back to work and suffer through agonizing days of total mental torture brought on by my mind that just wouldnt shut off. Time went by and here she comes knocking on my door. I turned her away but she just wouldnt let go and we ended up back together. Of course things were still going a million miles a minute in my head, but i was somewhat happy that she was back. One day i decided to leave work early to spend some time with her, it just felt right. I had been texting her all morning and we were getting along great finally. On my way to the parking lot my landlord called to say that the house had burnt to the ground. There is no way to describe the feelings that came over me at that moment. I was half an hour away from the house so i hauled ass. On my way i was texting and trying to call her to see if she was ok. Once i finally got ahold of her i had to tell her what had happened, she had no idea. I got to the house, she pulled in right after me. I went to her to hold and comfort her, looking for the same in return. What i got was the exact oppostite. She pushed me away and was looking at me like i had killed her mother or something. It was all my fault that the house was no longer. It ended up being a wire in the wall that was powering the AC that she had left on. Not only was i in shock that my house had just burnt down, but also because of her response. I had sold everything i had to my name at that point to keep her happy with money and things. Sold my truck, all my tools, my 2600 sound system from my truck,, everything. That night i hit complete rock bottom, i was more numb that i had ever been before. I sat in the driveway of the ruins in my fathers car that i had borrowed. After hearing everything that was going on and knowing the history with her and I my friends wife, who works at the behavioral health dept a tthe local hospital) had a warrant put out for me to be picked up and taken to the ER. It was probably the best thing anyone had ever done for me, i was pretty much dead. IF she hadnt done that i probably wouldnt have seen morning. I spent time in a hospital that dealt with nothing but suicidal people. OK, this it turning into a novel, im sorry. Anyway, after all of this was history i ended up meeting the woman Im with now. She was absolutley perfect in every sense of the word. She was sweet to a fault, kind hearted, and best of all she totally adored me. I was higher than i had ever been She was a woman that i didnt need to worry about anything with, she just didnt have it in her. Talk about pure. Shortly after getting together i started worrying about things between us changing. I didnt say anything at first, but she kept on me with the "whats wrong" questions. Clearly my depression had taken over again and that started the whole downhill spiral. I truly appreciated being with a woman like her. I was what i had always been looking for. I started confident and secure, and had quickly pulled a 180. God bless her she really tried to stay upbeat and her normal happy perky self, but eventually my fears and worryies were coming to happen. Im totally convinced that my depression was causing me to be paranoid and worry way to much. But there was nothing i could do about it. The more i tried to talk to her about it, the worse it got for me. Eventuially she just became tired of trying. We are still together but there is nothing here anymore. I am sure that i ruined the perfect woman and dont know how to fix things before they totally end. I have thought about leaving so many times, that its just not something she takes seriously anymore. Because she knows that i will eventually snap out of it. I dont want to leave her, and i dont want to keep things they way they are because its just not helping my depression. I absolutely adore this woman, and find myself everyday feeling sorry for myself because shes not the same person she was when we met. I changed her and am having to deal with it. Does anyone have any advice? IM not confident and secure anymore, which it really not me. Its not her fault i know, but i cant seem to get things to turn back around. We are both more or less hanging on to this realtionship because of how good it was and could be again. Its just not happening. I feel insignificant. I know she loves me, otherwise we wouldnt be together, but things really need to start getting back to where we were a year ago.
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reader, totallyhollow +, writes (2 October 2009):
totallyhollow is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks everyone, it seems like everyone has the same opinion, and this many goodhearted people cant be wrong. I guess its time to swallow the pride and get some help. I certainly cant afford it, but then again i dont think i vould live with myself for letting this fall apart without trying evertything. Those "what if" games are absolute torture. Thanks again to everyone that replied!!
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (1 October 2009): Show your partner exactly what you have written here.......it shows why you are as insecure as you are. Then tell her you are going to attend counselling for your problems. Above all, apologise and make her feel special. Good luck
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A
male
reader, Soren +, writes (1 October 2009):
Well man, I'm sorry to hear all this. I just have to say that you have an incredible amount of mental strength and endurance. But even the hardest of metals eventually degrade into sand, should they not be maintained.Now, your current girlfriend seems to be a good thing for you, so, by what I said above, I did not mean she was not taking care of you. I mean YOU have to take of yourself. Making your companion happy cannot be done unless you are happy as well. Because in a loving relationship such as the one you have, your companion is happy when YOU are happy and vice-versa.I will have to agree and recommend that you seek BOTH medical treatment from a Psychiatrist, and Therapy, as soon as possible. If you can't afford it, seek financial help from someone close to you, like your parents to get it.Maybe go to therapy with your girlfriend sometimes as well, but most of all be honest with her and yourself. Maybe sharing your original post of this might help you to show her what's going on in our head.I know this is going to sound weird, but since I am dealing with a different, but also heartbreaking situation, I want you to get through this and get your relationship back on track, as does everyone posting their advice as well. Best of luck.-Soren
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A
male
reader, totallyhollow +, writes (1 October 2009):
totallyhollow is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI was on meds almost 15 years ago and didnt like what they were doing to me. I have been fighting it on my own since then with limited success. I try to change back to my old confident secure person everyday, but something says that i take the wrong way or just feeling like she doesnt care usually sets off the whole i miss the way we used to be talk. I do tell her almost everyday that i want US back. It just seems like shes not as receptive to it as maybe i expect. Its just feeling like the beginning of what i went through with the ex, but with a sweet girl this time.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (1 October 2009): Are you keeping the lines of communication open with her? Does she know that you love her and want things to be better?
Are you still seeing anyone for professional help? Counselling or a psychiatrist? Because if you feel your depression is returning, you should be discussing it with them. You didn't say if you were ever on medication. For some people, anti-depressants work wonders.
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