A
male
age
30-35,
*aliborn89
writes:Me and my girlfriend been together for over 9 years, only couple of days ago she dropped a bomb shell on me saying she’s been cheating on me with my best friend, my heart sunk, I was heart broken to be hearing this. We met in 2008 till now we still together in 2017. The affair started in 2012 when we met, till 2017 which is over 5 years. I don’t know what to think or to say to her she’s confessed everything to me about the affair such as time, places, when and where like on my birthday or her my house or hers, I asked why she’s doing this to me and what did I do to her to treat me that way, as I have been a loving caring boyfriend always supported her, and she lives with me in my house, no kids, she tells me its all her fault, she didn’t intend to hurt me in any way she’s says she’s remorseful and she couldn’t go on with the lies anymore and it was just sex with him, it didn’t mean anything I can’t tell u guys how I’m feeling right now as I have not drank or ate in 3 days.They even went so far as to involve both my SISTER and MOTHER into aiding them in hiding this 5byear affair with my girlfriend. We have been together for 9 years
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female
reader, Andie's Thoughts  +, writes (29 March 2018):
 OP, I'm a feminist and I've supported you. Don't blame feminism. Not only that, but I've yet to see this anon message that has bothered you....
Just be direct with the friend, then block them.
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (29 March 2018): You must be feeling awful.
To answer your question... Yes, I have been betrayed by family and friends and men and women.
But there is a light at the end of the tunnel. You need to cut out these liars from your life and take a long hard look at your life and why you didn't see the signs. There must have been some! Nobody can lie to someone for you hat long without there being some signals that all was not so rosy.
I would ignore some of the other people's comments here and really try to figure out how you can get yourself better without friends, family or girlfriends lies In your life. Karma can be quite the thing....You've taken a hard knock and I feel for you.
One should never cheat on anyone it's such a betrayal of trust and is not admired by anyone.
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A
female
reader, Andie's Thoughts +, writes (29 March 2018):
There are times when I'd suggest discussing whether you could move past this with couples' counselling. This, however, was five of seven years. I don't think you can get past that and I don't think she deserves it. You need to be with someone who won't betray you repeatedly, for years.Ditch her. Ditch the "friend". Take time and space from your mother and sister, so you can make a decision about them once you've healed a bit.If I was being cheated on, I'd want someone to tell me (nicely). I'd be devastated, but I wouldn't want to waste my life with a cheater. I would also never side with a cheater who wasn't in an exceptional situation, like being a carer for a spouse who is physically incapable of maintaining the relationship, and would tell them "you either confess within a week or I will do it for you". Siding with a cheater for decades makes no sense to me, even if it's a family member. That is completely, 100% complicit in it and aiding a horrific betrayal that wastes roughly 1/4 of the "victims" lives.I would also give myself space from my family members. When I had come to terms with the cheating and break up, I'd ask my family for an explanation. If it wasn't good enough, I would limit my future contact with them until I felt able to trust them again - IF I ever felt able to trust them again. I, personally, couldn't accept "I just didn't want to hurt you" as valid because it's common sense that it hurts more to find out years down the line.
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A
male
reader, Caliborn89 +, writes (29 March 2018):
Caliborn89 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionNot sure how to approach my friend with this
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A
male
reader, Caliborn89 +, writes (29 March 2018):
Caliborn89 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionSo far Ive gotten my appetite back but have not talked to anyone yet about this. I feeling upset again
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A
male
reader, Caliborn89 +, writes (29 March 2018):
Caliborn89 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionSo far Ive gotten my appetite back but have not talked to anyone yet about this. I drank all day yesterday
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A
male
reader, Caliborn89 +, writes (28 March 2018):
Caliborn89 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionDear Anonymous.
Since you sound like a feminist im not going to even entertain your stupid comment any further.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 March 2018): Poor cookie. Hope you've eaten something now?
She doesn't sound very nice. When a man does this to a woman it's devastating, but somehow, when a woman does this to a good man then this is even more devastating! Varying degrees of devastatingness!
Of course, I'm assuming you've been a good, faithful man to her in the nine years of togetherness?
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A
female
reader, MissKin +, writes (28 March 2018):
 I don't agree with youcannotbeserious. I would be fuming and heart broken if anyone in my immediate life knew and didn't tell me. Ultimately your girlfriend was at fault and was wrong to involve your family. It did put your family into an awkward situation but they should have told you. I am sure they had your best interest at heart and I would forgive them but I wouldn't be happy about it.
Time to process and move past it. Decide what matters to you now. You need love and support around you. People you can trust. People who will listen to you. My heart goes out to make mistakes and u as you must feel betrayed by so many people in your life.
Try to look after yourself. You are worth more than this. Eat. Drink. Sleep. Cry. Mope. Feel sorry for yourself. But don't let yourself deteriorate. You need to love and be kind to yourself at this hard time. You deserve to look after yourself.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 March 2018): My dad had a 7 year affair whilst married to my mum. Everyone knew except my mums best friend and her children including me. We would have told her. People said they were in a awkward position and didn't want to break up the family. Personally I wish my mum could have known 7years prior and not wasted her time. Other people took that choice away from her by keeping quiet. I personally could not trust someo e who could lie like that for years. I cod never trust them again.
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A
male
reader, Caliborn89 +, writes (28 March 2018):
Caliborn89 is verified as being by the original poster of the question#youcannotbeserious I just wish they didnt know about the 5 year affair the whole time it happened.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (28 March 2018): Give the people that knew a break.People do not want to tell you because have you heard the saying...they always blame the messenger?It really does work that way.The person being cheated on does not believe it and the messenger is always blamed.I know it is easier to blame them for your pain but you are deflecting the blame onto them when all the blame is on your girlfriend.You still care for her so it is much easier to be mad at them when you should be mad at her.Time to break up with her.Her actions have hurt both you and your family.There are many honest trustworthy women out there find a better one.She decived you for years with her it will happen again.You are better than this.break up.
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A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious +, writes (28 March 2018):
 Don't assume, just because your mother and sister knew about the affair that they condoned it. I helped my brother while he split his life between two women for 20 years. I did it because he was my brother so I felt loyalty towards him (given my time over again, I would simply refuse to get involved) but also to save the women involved getting hurt. Your mother and sister were probably hoping the affair would fizzle out and things would return to normal and you would never know. This is not about your mother or sister; this is about you and your girlfriend. Focus where it matters.
Sadly your girlfriend has chosen to unload her guilt onto you, which is (in my opinion, possibly not that of others) a very selfish thing to do. Or it could be she thought you were going to find out from another source so got her story in first.
An affair is so much more serious than a one night stand or similar. An affair takes planning and lying and deceiving on a long term basis (a VERY long term basis in your case).
What was your relationship like before you found out about this affair? Was it good? Or were there problems?
Don't make any knee jerk decisions while you are still reeling from this news. There is no rush to make a decision of any kind - except that you need to eat and drink. Making yourself ill as a consequence of what you found out will not make anything better. Nor will it help you think any clearer.
You and your girlfriend need to talk and you need to decide whether you can ever get over the deception. Some can and move on to forming a stronger relationship as a result of what they have been through. Others can not get over the hurt and deception and need to split up. It is an individual thing and there is no right or wrong decision, only what is right for YOU. Your girlfriend would need to do a lot of work to rebuild your trust in her. Could you ever get to a point where you trusted her again?
Sending hugs. I can imagine how you are feeling (been there, done that, still remember the gut-wrenching pain) but this WILL pass. Just be kind to yourself and take time to make the decision which is right for YOU. Also remember, any decision you make is not necessarily irreversible. If you feel you need time, then take time. You can always make a different decision further down the line.
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