A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Sorry this is rather long...I started dating a man 10 years older than me last year. We are serious going now and eventually the subject of children had to come up and it did.Before, it was something that was mentioned by both and brushed off by both but our recent conversation was a make or break. Thankfully, it isn't a breakup. Yet the shadow of the conversation is hanging over my head and I don't know what to do. Its not because of what was said its because I reduced him to tears over something that i myself am not even 100% sure of.I asked my boyfriend point blank during our long discussion would he always think the same way as he had always did with regards to children. He never had the desire for them. He did say sometimes he would look at his nieces and nephews and feel a need but his outlook probably won't change. When he said this, I considered his age (40) and my own age (29) and said "well I guess it is over". My reasoning for that was future based and because a man at the age of 40 is unlikely to change (I could be wrong). I myself at the current moment do not know if I want children. Yet i fear awakening in the future to something I have missed. We were both broken. We both told one another we loved each other but he said he can't make that promise if he isn't sure....I said fine. Seeing my determination he fell to pieces. He asked me to give him some time to think about it. He was single for over 10 years before me and believed this would never happen so it was a notion that was buried. His own sister a few weeks before hand said he's finally met the right person. (Children convo from her I didn't think twice of when it was said but was flattered he's so happy because I am extremely happy. Hes a wonderful person and my family love him).Considering his idea to give him time to think I agreed.We went to bed.After waking, I went home and had a long hard think about what transpired. I was going to leave the man I now love over something I am not even considering yet. This is tearing me apart because I feel so terrible. I am not sure what to do. I at the moment do not want children and am not even sure if I ever do. I don't even know what it feels like to want them. Basically, I feel like I am following the basic path of life....meet a man, marry, have kids. The pattern that is followed. My parents want me to have children. Yet it was something that never popped up but it does now but only because of my age. I do not know what it is like to have a child. I will never know until I have one if ever so please any mothers don't think me cruel. I adore children. I am just so unsure of having any. The fear is coming from a place that does not exist yet, the fear I will wake up and regret not having them if I go down that road.My bf suggested we discuss it again. We didn't fight during the last discussion just said goodbye and that we loved each other. Our almost breakup was coming from a place of no control and fear. I think anyway. He said he thinks he's wrong for me only because of the children issue..... but we're so happy!At any rate we are alright now. I told him I would rather not talk about it again. He told me he is afraid of taking happiness away from me if we stay together and nothing changes. But even he said he doesn't know. He said it probably won't change but to give some time. Why is this such a huge deal with me when it shouldn't be really considering I have no desire to have any now. Its the future and fear of having them too old that is bothering me but my decision now is to have none for the time being.I can't leave him when my own mind isn't even wanting children for fear that someday I just might? What if that was to never come and i just stay as is in my head.Also the age gap bothers my bf I think yet it never bothered me until i started thinking about family. It doesn't bother anyone else either.Please can someone give some advice?
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female
reader, Andie's Thoughts +, writes (29 March 2018):
 OP, let me give you the situation my cousin is in, right now. It's similar, except she knows she wants children soon.My cousin and her boyfriend have been together for about 7 years. He hasn't proposed yet and has shown no signs of doing it. He knows she wants to be married, then have children. She will be 31 in a few months. She doesn't have it in her to say "it's over if you aren't ready to marry me" because she's scared she won't find anyone else. He does love her, but our whole family wishes he'd just let her go or propose because he's dragging it out and she doesn't have the courage to put her foot down. She's running out of time and they both know it, but he won't break up with her and knows she won't break up with him. He just doesn't want the same things she does and it's hard to watch her life be wasted with someone who won't change his mind in the near future, if at all.Your guy is the same. He doesn't really want children and is highly unlikely to change his mind. You are more like my cousin, except you're not totally sure. For that reason, you're not really compatible because you need to figure out whether you do or not and be with someone who feels the same way.I think you need to take a break from dating, work out whether you want to be a mother or not, then find someone who is on the same page.Rough relationship timeline:- 6 to 18 months to find someone you really connect with and are compatible with- ideally 18+ months before engagement- preferably another 12+ months before marriage- hopefully another 9+ months before trying for a babyThat adds up to approximately 4+ years, not including healing time after a break up or the pregnancy months. Some people rush it, deliberately or unintentionally, but it doesn't usually end well - either with a break up or not being ready for the baby and causing a lot of tension/resentment.That timeline is why, whilst you and my cousin are still young now, you won't be (in terms of pregnancy) when it comes to the end of the timeline, unless you begin at 30ish.Another example of "to have or not to have" children being a deal breaker we often put off is someone I know is getting married to her partner in September. She's 26 and doesn't want children, but she's rationalising that "it's now or never". He wants to sort himself out first, which she felt relieved about, but hopes he won't want children in 5 years time. He will. I've tried to explain to her that, unfortunately, they aren't compatible. She agrees, but is in denial that marrying each other is a bad idea, when you don't want the same things. You can't compromise on children, if one of you wants and the other doesn't.I think it's best you take a break from dating and find out how you feel about it deep down - he won't change his mind, but you might. I know you're worried about regretting not having them, but you're also not sure if you want them because it's "expected" and common. Perhaps therapy would help you figure that out, as they can ask you questions to help you figure out how you really feel.
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