A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:My queation is.. and anyone can answer this question, male or female..i am an extremely attractive woman. i have 4 children with my husband and by looking at me you wouldnt think i even have any..i am very down to earth... i can talk to him about anything,i can hang with him and his friends and i am far from stuck up.. i can play sports with him. and i am very understanding.i can be goofy and serious when needed.i have 9 brothers, so i know how guys talk and i dont mind it.. i give great advice to his guy frieds and him..and im really kick ass.. i am a 7 time world champion in martial arts..what better can u get.. there is alot of guys out there that would love to have someone like me..so my question is..if u have a woman with so many good qualities.. why would the man cheat..?and why does a good damn woman always end up with a man that cheats and treats them like shit..? Reply to this Question
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male
reader, Wild Thaing  +, writes (20 August 2010):
 Why did you take him back? What were you hoping for?
Don't get roped into comforting yourself with generalizations. I have no doubt you believe yourself to be a "good damn woman" but what can you learn when you self-select as a member of all "good damn women"?
If you're going to learn anything about why you chose to take back your husband the only valid place to start is to analyze your marriage and the relationship. This forum is a place to start but eventually you'll have to talk about this with your husband. Good luck and take care.
A
female
reader, Miamine  +, writes (19 August 2010):
 Your a martial artist, your not a scholar... why waste time with philosophy, just kick his ass and make him feel as little as he made you feel...
Sigh.. sorry, 21st century, we is not allowed to do violence.. you are so wonderful and strong, he feels inadequate and womanly, so he went and got a girl who is half the women you are... Stop playing with boys, your too special for that, go and find a man who can appreciate the special woman that you are...
Only little boys would cheat if they have a woman like you, most men would kiss your feet and struggle to make you proud of them.
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male
reader, Spitzbube +, writes (19 August 2010):
Sorry folks, but the male insights on this one sure seem more accurate when responding to a question of "why" about men. I bet it wouldn't be a stretch to say each sex is equally as clueless about the other. There's a few comments in here about the OP's arrogance. Well done. But more importantly, rather than make the OP feel like crap, we could look at it far deeper than these pat answers like "men always cheat" "Your bad" "he's bad" etc... First off, the OP asked the right question. The tough answer is that it really has little to do with your OR him. It has all to do with the relationship. People react to all sorts of things-- their partners, their lifestyle, their health, the psychology, tons of stuff. NO matter which way you slice it, you're in the picture somewhere, but only 50%. So, with that in mind, you gotta ask yourself the question, "Is it worth it to me to work this out?" From my perspective, the answer was yes. My wife cheated on me while I was away on a business contract overseas. Man was I pissed. BUT, after getting over the hurt, and helping her through the hurt she caused to herself, we're deeper and far more open with each other. Our relationship is something we build together. Through lots of talks, we eventually got to some of the "why" but probably not all of it. I have cheated on previous relationships, and I have been cheated on. I know what's involved. I also know that usually it's not worth it to cheat-- usually. Age also helps. I find I am wiser now, and also a little better in control of my libido. I think she's that way to. Remember, you can convince yourself of anything. I think the best answer to "why" would be to convince yourself of a meaningful, well explained, thoroughly discussed, insightful answer that is co-constructed between you and your partner, and not some pat answers off the web which lack insight into your specific context. No harm coming here for a starting point, but if you're convinced that you're gonna get to the bottom of this with a Google search engine you're unfortunately mistaken. Good luck with the repair process. You're gonna repair in one way or another. It's up to you how that comes out though.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (19 August 2010): Because you have allowed him to disrespect you in one thing or other.
Read Why Men Love Bitches.
As the article below claims, perhaps it is to compensate for something he lacks.
Guys more likely to cheat on high-earning women
Men who step out may be trying to compensate, new study says
http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/38720767/ns/health-mens_health/
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female
reader, Gabrielle Stoker +, writes (19 August 2010):
 My dear thing, if Ashley Cole and Peter Crouch could cheat on Cheryl Cole and Abigail Clancy respectively (I mean hell, Cheryl Cole's even hotter than me, and that's saying something), you can rest assured that attractiveness has nothing to do with it.
Interestingly, you don't say anything about your husband in all this, apart from the fact that he cheated. As some others have said here, some of the very factors that attract women like you to men like him contain the seeds of the future disharmony.
Now there's no excuse for cheating in a marriage, but maybe he has his side of the story as well. Maybe he found you emasculating, dominating, whatever.
The bottomline is that you have to make the choice to either stay with him and work to repair the relationship which would mean letting go of the anger and resentment and try to establish a love between the two of you again, OR walk out. Staying in the relationship with these feelings will only damage you and your children in the long run.
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male
reader, Danielepew  +, writes (19 August 2010):
 I believe that the idea that a hot woman will never get cheated on hasn't only been disproved (with Sandra Bullock, for example, who I would never cheat on if she even knew I existed), but is also patently illogical. It assumes that we men don't have thoughts or feelings or needs, only reactions. Something like "Hey, I am hot, smart, and good in bed, and therefore Mr. Caveman-I-married can't possibly find fault with me". I am not saying that you, poster, are a bad woman to be with, since you sound like very good, but I want to do away with that false assumption.
I think we could find a very ugly woman who was never cheated on, if we really tried to find one. In fact, I know a very ugly woman who married several times. She was cheated on once, I understand, but not the previous two times. Actually she was the one who dumped the men.
We can't possibly know why he cheated. You should talk to him and try to determine what happened, but the real concern here should be what you will do about the cheating. Some people just divorce the cheater, whatever the reason. Some others don't. Think what is best for you.
Good men also end up with women who treat them like garbage. I believe this usually happens when you don't stand your ground. I don't know if this man has treated you like that. I do know he cheated on you, and that doesn't qualify as the best treatment ever.
I think Dirtball (hiya!) is actually on to something. I can but recall the words of one distinguished and wise aunt on this site who remarked that many women go for the bad guy, not for the nerdy kind, because they make the mistake of assuming that this man won't trample on them, although they do trample on everyone else. Being a world champion might have put you in contact with an ambitious person who trampled on you. But, I can't know for sure.
Seems like you should leave.
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male
reader, dirtball +, writes (19 August 2010):
 Low yes, but you have to admit it was a little funny. Well, maybe not to you. Q is right. Do now what you should have done then. It is time to leave. It sounds like he has no desire to change, and you have no desire to remain in this relationship. I don't blame you. You have no reason to trust him anymore. It's a shame that this is what it came down to, but in my book he threw away your relationship the day he cheated. I wish you luck and I know you'll land on your feet.
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reader, anonymous, writes (19 August 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the question@ dirtball.... yes that was low.. but no, im just not understanding this all.. everything i said about my self is true.. and i really am not blowing smoke up my ass..lol.. but everyone my husband and i been together for now 10 yrs.. and yes i did "put out alot" as one of u said..lol.. but when i found out he was cheating.. i stopped.. he did this a little over a year ago.. but it still hurts me so bad.. but after taking him back he still treats me like shit.. he has moods like night and day.. one min he will be fine next he switchs.. and it is effecting our family.. "DONT KNOW WHAT TO DO" i think im tired of it all and i want to leave..
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male
reader, jkirk +, writes (19 August 2010):
Why would he cheat on a 7 time world martial arts champion. Sounds like a good way to get hurt. :)
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (18 August 2010): He cheats cause you stay with him when he cheats. In other words you accept it, simply by staying. I too have four kids and am very attractive, but if my nubby cheats , he's out. There's too many wonderful men out there who would treat me well for me to accept this treatment.
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male
reader, Odds +, writes (18 August 2010):
 Male cheating is essnetially independent of how attractive their wife is. There are many factors, but the two most important are how often you put out, and his own moral compass.
The more active your sex life together, the less likely he is to cheat; the less sex you have, the more likely even an otherwise decent man is to cheat. However, nothing short of his own conviction can ever completely negate the possibility.
As for the second question, "always" is an exaggeration. However, Dirtball has it right that many highly desirable women are attracted to the same confidence and mild sociopathy that gives a man the ability to cheat. It's basically the equivalent of guys passing up nice-but-ugly girls for hot-but-bitchy ones, including the fact that few realize that's what they did.
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male
reader, dirtball +, writes (18 August 2010):
Maybe he's sick of hearing about how awesome you are and wants someone who focuses on him for a change? I'm sorry, that was a cheap shot and a bad joke, but after your "the glory of me" intro it was hard to resist.
Honestly, there are lots of things that drive people to cheat. Sometimes it is a compulsion. Sometimes it's an expression of their unhappiness. Sometimes it's because of a temporary infatuation. Sometimes it's because they are going through a mid life crisis. I don't know if you've ever looked at those funny demotivational posters or not, but I saw one that applies here. It was a picture of a beautiful woman and the caption read: "No matter how hot she is, someone, somewhere, is sick of putting up with her shit." You could be the perfect catch, and from the sound of your description, you seem to fit that bill pretty well, he may just have been sick of you. He may have wanted the thrill. He may have wanted to self destruct. It is way to hard to say because we have nothing to go on about your relationship and how you interact.
Why does a good damn woman always end up with a man that cheats and treats them like shit?
Because those good damn women are often attracted to the dangerous bad boy and not the good damn men. You think you can fix him, or that if you're good enough he'll change his ways. He has no reason to change though, because you treat him well because you're a good person who cares about your relationship. Honestly this goes the opposite direction too. Nice guys finish last because we end up with bad girls who want the security we provide while they go off and have flings all over town. Meanwhile, we're left at home waiting patiently for their return.
If you choose to tell us more about the relationship itself, I'll be happy to come back and give you my take. I hope this has been at least a little helpful.
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