A
female
age
26-29,
anonymous
writes:My mum, 46, has COPD, Diabetes and Emphysema. She is on home oxygen and has a portable one for when she goes out. In May 2011 myself and my family almost lost her as her lungs were giving up. Since then she has been in hospital 4 more times. This affected me physically, I had to have counciling once a week and it helped a little but I'm still worrying about her. I constantly check she is okay, check her medication and machinery is all ok and ready. I just always worry about her and it's scary. Also, I haven't really had much of a social life since as ive been looking after her, I go out sometimes with my friend tothe cinema and have recently joined a gym but I have trouble starting conversations and talking to new people, especially boys. Could you please help, any advice or previous experiences? It would be much appreciated. Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, no nonsense Aidan +, writes (24 August 2012):
The first thing to remember is that your mother’s illness is not something you can control, and that there is only so much you can do for her. You are already looking after her, checking she’s okay, and just being there for her. That’s all you can do as far as her health goes. What will be most important for her, however, is to know that you’re happy. Your happiness will be what matters more than anything to her. It’s likely that your lack of confidence comes from the fact that you are uncomfortable when you’re away from your mother so you aren’t in the right frame of mind to interact with the social environment. I suspect you don’t lack confidence around close friends, or people who know about your situation at home. It would really help you to research the young carers support that exists: indeed there is a Young Carers organisation. This will introduce you to other young people who, like you, care for a loved one. Because they’ll have a greater understanding of what it’s like, you’ll find it easier to talk to them and start conversations, and this will help you get emotional support and grow in confidence. When it comes to boys, forget about the fact that they’re boys. They’re people with likes, interests and experiences. Instead of thinking in terms of starting a conversation with a boy or with a girl, just think that we’re all human beings. If you like some-one, try and get to know them and find out stuff about them. It may be old-fashioned, but the best relationships come from firm friendships. The first time you catch some-one’s eye that you’d like to speak to, or the first time you say hi to some-one you’d previously have ignored, it might feel incredibly awkward, but if they’re a decent person they’ll respond to you. Conversation takes practice, like anything else, again why it would help to meet people who’ve had similar experiences to you to help get things started. But just be brave and try it out, you can never lose anything by trying to start a conversation. It’s win win!
I wish you all the very best.
A
female
reader, Dorothy Dix  +, writes (22 August 2012):
Hi there. Unfortunately, there probably isn't much more you could be doing, other than what is already being done for your mother's health problems.
Needless to say, your mother is probably seeing a heart and lung specialist on a regular basis, to have her condition properly monitored.
The most major of all her health issues, is no doubt the COPD which is very crippling and disabling, as it takes a lot of energy simply to take a few steps to the bathroom and back, and could possibly leave her practically breathless each time, and then taking a few minutes to regain her normal breathing pattern again - even with the help of the oxygen machine.
And because of the COPD, she probably doesn't leave the house very often, because just a few footsteps could leave her exhausted and out of breath.
The only time she leaves the house, is maybe when she has to see her heart and lung specialist for a checkup.
As you have said you are taking care of your mother, I am assuming it's just you and her and possibly any brothers and sisters, if there are any - would that be right?
So in other words, your father doesn't live with you, so you are coping with this more or less on your own?
And if that's the case and you have no other brothers and sisters to help you, well then it could be helpful to you to organise some outside help - such as a respite carer to come in once or twice a week, so you can take some time off, just for yourself.
As a carer for your mother, which it does seem to be, it's really important to your own health to be able to have some respite from your role as your mother's carer.
And I realize that sometimes you and your friend go to the movies, so that's a very good outlet for you, so you can relax for a couple of hours.
And going to the gym is also good for your health and wellbeing, so keep on doing that whenever you get the chance, because it will help.
There's no magic formula for what to say to boys, just be yourself and let your true self shine through.
If you see a nice boy who appeals to you, you could begin by looking at him and give him a little friendly smile.
Then over a few days of doing this, you will probably find that he returns that smile.
He will maybe return a smile to you on the very first occasion.
So then you are off to a flying start.
And from looking at and smiling at a nice boy, it will gradually come to a point where you look, smile and say "Hi!" to him - and he will probably do the same to you in return.
And after that initial stage, he might come over to you once he sees you are interested (and if he is also interested), and he might say - or you could say to him - "Hi! How's your day been so far?"
And it leaves the path open for discussion about whatever has been happening up until that point in both of your days.
Then following on from that point, you can talk about practically anything at all.
Well anything except:-
(1) Politics
(2) Religion
(3) Ex relationships
(4) Sex
(5) Don't complain about things in your life to him - it will come across as emotional baggage, and could push him away.
Apart from all of those as an absolute "NO NO", you can talk about:-
(1) What subjects you are doing at school at the moment.
(2) Music, bands you both like.
(3) Shows on tv.
(4) Movies you have seen lately.
(5) Books you enjoy reading.
(6) Hobbies and interests.
(7) Some basic family stuff - no deep dark secrets though, that's not what you ought to share with others.
(8) Only mention your mothers' health problems if it happens to come up in conversation, otherwise don't talk about it.
(9) Be yourself, and be open and honest about what you DO decide to share with him.
I think you get the general picture of what I'm trying to describe here.
The main important point to keep in mind at all times, is to be yourself, and don't try to be funny all the time and also, don't pretend to be someone whom you are not, because that could come across as being false, and shallow and insecere.
Just be the best YOU that you can possibly be, and then you really can't go wrong.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (22 August 2012): Yeah, don't take up smoking. Take care of your body. You only have one life. Don't waste it on drugs or alcohol. You've seen first hand what it looks like when you don't take care of it. Unfortunately the prognosis for you Mom is dim. She is lucky to have such a wonderful child who can take care of her. Your time for "living" will come eventually and you'll be grateful you put your own life on pause while hers was slipping away. The take home message is this, it's never easy to lose a loved one. Less easy to lose your Mom. Be strong. Be there. Take your little breaks when you can; go shopping, go to lunch, try to have some enjoyment while you are carrying this enormous burden because when she's gone you will miss her, no matter how hard it feels right now, you will be sad when she's gone. Then you must go out and enjoy your own life, but take care of your health better than she did so you can live a long and more fulfilling life than this. Having this kind of sickness at 46 is totally unavoidable. Don't smoke. Not now. Not ever.
...............................
|
