A
male
age
51-59,
*ichard.S
writes:I recently visited an escort agency to have sex for the first time at 44yrs of age but was unable to obtain an erection and nothing happened. Of course i was nervous even though the lady was very attractive, i booked for an hour. She suggested that it was nerves and perhaps next time i should book for 2 hours in order to get more comfortable and relax. She suggested viagra for next timeI have no experience of sex or dating and I am unattractive to look at but i decided to go down this route because i don't want to die a virgin.Has anyone got any advice for my next visit? I didn't have any luck on dating sites but as i have no experience of sex it may make things difficult. Thanks.
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male
reader, Richard.S +, writes (9 August 2012):
Richard.S is verified as being by the original poster of the questionYes, i must admit that it felt strange in the room with the escort, a receptionist just outside and around the corner. I'm going to a different place next time....a nice apartment with a bedroom further away. Hopefully i will be able to relax and explore her body with my hands and lips if permitted!!!
A
female
reader, Abella  +, writes (9 August 2012):
 Well done Richard. I really hope you enjoy the Circuit classes if they have them - they are my favourite and many opportunities to say hi to people once you get to know them.
And if there is a class that seems to have an excess of girls then JOIN that class for sure.
Forget the bodybuilding as the girls are more likely to be doing the SPIN and the Treadmill. So that is the best bet. If they have a pool do use that too as ladies love the pool.
I agree Richard - bars are not worth the trouble.
And try to remember this quote:
"What other people think of me is none of my business. That is their problem.
That is what they want to worry about.
I don't have time to worry about all the worries people have in the world.
My life is too busy. And I certainly do not have time to pay attention to any thing that is worrying them about me. I leave that to them. Let them waste their time. I have my life to lead."
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A
male
reader, Richard.S +, writes (9 August 2012):
Richard.S is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI don't have any confidence to join any groups as suggested and i don't like clubs and bars-never have done in fact-i always felt strange in places like that surrounded by good-looking folk. But at the present moment i'm plucking up enough courage to join a local gym and ask about a fitness plan. There is no way i can start any conversations with women because i have suffered too many derogatory comments in the past-something akin to an anchor around ones neck.Thanks for all the advice.
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A
male
reader, Richard.S +, writes (7 August 2012):
Richard.S is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI have been a gym member in the past, done various classes and have plenty of interests. I have done all the things that people have suggested. None of it matters if you are physically unattractive..believe me i have had 30yrs of comments and being laughed at. The latest example? By some girls at work-Eastern European. I have had to put up with this all my adult life and am sick of it. Personality does NOT matter...all that advice is BS because i am living proof of it. I tried being more confident and paying compliments, listening, outgoing....and you get called a jerk because of it. My own mother was the only person who didn't say i was ugly, and that sums it up succinctly.
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A
female
reader, Abella +, writes (6 August 2012):
Go for real people face to face.
Join a group that meets to achieve something - a club/ a charity raising money for others / a volunteer program that helps those less able than themselves. It gets you close to good people who you can get to know and ask out any lady who you like.
Or find out if there is a 'dinner.dating' group in your area. One person co-ordinates it. So applicants can be male or female. Applicants pay a fee which covers the matching done by the co-ordinator and the cost of the prearranged dinner. Drinks are paid for on the night. The co-ordinator then matches eight persons for age/interests/preferences and a dinner is arranged at a restaurant for 8 people. if there is not one in your area then you could start such a group. Each applicant is guaranteed 4 dinners in a twelve month period or until they find a partner.
Consider saving up for a holiday to a destination favoured by single hetrosexual women in your age group. Travel agents will tell you what is popular with clients in that age group/category.
Join a painting group. They often go on field trips to paint and many of the participants are single. If you think you cannot draw or paint then concentrate on impressionist modern style. You should be able to fool anyone to make them think that your art work is very 'brave'. And they often have exhibitions and sell their work. Could pick you up some funds to put into your piggyBank for the holiday you save up for.
Check out if there is anything in your presentation that could be upgraded. Your hair cut. Your fitness level (get thee to the gym or the pool if that is an issue) and review your wardrobe. Does it need sprucing up? A man dressed more appropriately will get your more girls than a guy who is still wearing the clothing he purchased when he was 19.
And please try to see life from a positive perspective.
Ultimately I think you can have far more fun with people who are not paid to have sex with you. But instead are ladies who are so delighted with you that they want to have sex with you, just because they like you.
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A
male
reader, Richard.S +, writes (6 August 2012):
Richard.S is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI have always been able to masturbate-but of course with porn/images all too readily available it becomes all too easy. Perhaps i should cut back on viewing images and go back to the escort for a couple of hours in amonths time or so.
On the subject of dating etc it seems to get harder as you get older because everything seems to be so youth-orientated these days. I wouldn't know how to start-the internet sites i joined were a waste of time because you have to upload a photo and that unfortunately does me no favours.So i never received any replies even when i showed an interest in someone else. All i have ever had is laughter and ridicule.
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A
male
reader, DoubleM +, writes (4 August 2012):
 You do not likely need Viagra or anything like that. You probably just need some opportunities, but as others have suggested, try the escort again if you like. Let her give you some head if she will.
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A
female
reader, misfitschik66  +, writes (4 August 2012):
 if you have never had past erectile dysfunction then It's anxiety and you will eventually get over this in time
you wouldn't believe how many men can't get it up their first time being with someone this is not uncommon and don't feel like your the only one
don't feel discouraged if the second time you don't get it up either sometimes it just takes a little longer for people to feel completely comfortable with this process
my husband(boyfriend) at the time couldn't get it up the first time(he was also a virgin and he was 18) it took a few try's for him to finally be able to do it
I strongly believe there is someone for every body and sometime that person just doesn't come along until later in life you also need to give that time as well and not completely give up. You say your 44 that's not old at all and there is still time to find that someone who thinks your amazing and as long as your alive no one should ever give up looking for that special person
I wish you luck in the sex department and again..you will be fine in time
and most of all i wish you luck in the love department
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A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (4 August 2012):
 Do as the escort instructed. That's the best advice I can give you.
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A
male
reader, wiseoldman +, writes (4 August 2012):
If you can function on your own, your plumbing works fine- you do not need Viagra. You're just nervous. Book the same girl for two hours, and have a bath with her first(she'll be happy to accommodate this) gently wash her all over and listen to what she has to say. This will take the pressure off you, since neither one of you will want to shag in the bath! Tehn dry one another off and spend an hour cuddling in bed. Her own professional pride will make her want to help you along as much as possible, and i strongly suspect your Nether Brain will kick in and things will go well.
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A
male
reader, Hennessy1989 +, writes (4 August 2012):
 Viagra would probably help, but this is more likely to be a bit of stage fright, anxiety and nerves are an erection killer, a longer session may help of your happy spending your money, being relaxed and comfortable are definitely the way forward, I wouldn't use Viagra, you don't want to trick yourself into thinking u need it, because you probably don't, first time nerves are totally normal no matter what age you are, once you get that first one out of the way I'm sure you will be fine
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A
male
reader, k20honda  +, writes (4 August 2012):
What you experienced is absolutely normal. In fact, the vast majority of men go through this phase.Viagra will help a little, but do not expect wonders. Contrary to common belief, Viagra and similar drugs will not give you instant raging hardons if there is no stimulation or you don't feel psychologically comfortable.Go see that escort again but my guess is that even with Viagra you still won't be able to have an erection. But don't let that bring you down! Kiss her, hug her, finger her, lick her, give her oral and let her give you oral too. Have a good time even if no penetration is involved. Then wait a month or so and go see her again. You will be a lot more comfortable by then.
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A
male
reader, no nonsense Aidan +, writes (4 August 2012):
I remember you from before. There was a very good reason for cautioning you against visiting the escort. I said it would only add to your anxieties and not make you feel better, which seems to have been the case. In terms of your erections, do you normally get erections? If you don’t ever have them you should see your doctor for advice. If you normally do, but just weren’t able to rise to the occasion with the escort, the chances are that she’s right, it was nerves. It’s your first sexual experience, you’ve had a lot of anxiety and put yourself under a lot of pressure about losing your virginity. And frankly, many people report that their first sexual experience was disappointing. Perhaps next time you should book for longer (I realise I’m probably not going to get you to change your mind about the escort much as I’d like you to rethink this), so that you can relax in to it a bit more. Also, if you book the same lady you won’t be so nervous because she knows about the problem you had last time. Finally, don’t go in to it with too many prior expectations because this will heighten your anxiety and increase the chances that you’ll be too worked up to maintain an erection again. Go in to it with the mindset that you’re there for a sexual experience, without trying to prejudge what that might be. Maybe you won’t have sex next time, perhaps she’ll find other ways to help you explore what you like and what turns you on. It might take you quite a bit of time to get to the point where you’re ready for sex.
I wish you all the very best.
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A
male
reader, Richard.S +, writes (4 August 2012):
Richard.S is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI can masturbate with no problems whatsoever-perhaps that is the problem, that is all i have ever done. I have never been in the situation in real-life.
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A
female
reader, Abella +, writes (4 August 2012):
Don't waste two hours with the escourt.
But yes, do consult your Doctor about your suitability to use Viagra. This is because for some men with risk factors it is not a good option.
But if you have no risk factors then Viagra will do the trick.
Your own anxiety would be a big part of the problem. Once you relax more it will work. But your first times you may only need an hour. follow the Doctor's instructions on when to take it to take into account the timing of your appointment with the escourt.
ER is so common you are not alone.
And don't believe you are unattractive. You may be being far too critical of yourself.
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A
female
reader, dmartin89 +, writes (4 August 2012):
 Have you seen a doctor about your erectile disfunction?
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A
male
reader, DoubleM +, writes (4 August 2012):
Well there are a lot of unattractive women out there who need love too. I've never quite understood postings like this, I'll admit that I didn't have such a problem, though not vain, but I just see too many average people together. They seem to be quite happy. Average, or less than average-looking people, seem to find each other and do just fine. In fact, despite what some consider exceptional looks, most of my girlfriends have been average at best. It's hard for me to imagine that a man's looks really matter all that much, if they are friendly and outgoing.
But even if that is the issue - being unattractive - then book the two damn hours and see if that matters. I doubt it will. Caring about someone will more likely matter more and solve your problem.
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A
female
reader, Jules9 +, writes (4 August 2012):
Hey Richard,
Just try and stay cool, of course the first time you have sex is nerve racking, I'm 29 and still a virgin, it bothers me a great deal, I'm not that attractive either, just when you go back have an hr enjoying each others company, you'll get there, try not to worry so much!
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