A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Ok. i have been thinking. I went to a bar a while ago and eneded up going home with a guy i knew of from high school. well we were having sex and another guy popped in and began messing with me as well. I didnt want this other guy there at all. but he sorta just stayed as much as i tried to tell him to go. would this be considered rape? (I was quite drunk, but remember everything that happend to a T). what should i do about this? i went to school with the other guy's younger brother. so i do know who he is and where he lives.
View related questions:
drunk Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (18 April 2008): yes it's rape
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 February 2007): i'm not quite sure its rape i mean you were fully cabable of getting away yourself werent' you? if he didn't leave why didn't you?
...............................
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (24 January 2007): Your decisions are getting you into these situations. it sounds like these people are off a step or three too. If you pursue legal I would agree with you, but you may find that the legal system isnt going to do much, because of your drinking, maybe I am wrong but I hope you can make better decisions. I would press charges anyway to let them know your not fooling around and try to make new friends and stay out of bars. maybe it didnt bother you that much I dont know. but the fact the guy you started out with didnt try to stop it sais he may have had a hand in setting it up.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (24 January 2007): I drink once or twice a month too, but over the last 5 years, I think I've only gotten drunk 2 times. Once due to relationship problems and the second because a bunch of us celebrated one of our closer friends' marriage.
You said: "I did have control of myself and i left the bar with ONE guy not TWO" and then in your other reply: "but with the state i was in if i would have got pulled over i would have been up crap creek with out a paddle" - and you couldn't have gotten away anyway? No one said you had to drive. Also what was the other guy doing - the one banging you?
Anyway, everyone here has said their piece. As Dr. Pete had said, if being touched inappropriately sexually without consent, then you have the choice of going to the authority, but like Eddie has pointed out as well as a score of people here, your chances of defending yourself in such a case may be slim as your words of being "in control" and having the excuse of "not leaving because you can't drive" because you were drunk, though you were "aware" and "remember everything that happened", the validity/credibility of your statement seems questionable.
To say the least, you can try. There is always a chance you can get 'justice'.
...............................
A
female
reader, Amethyst +, writes (24 January 2007):
 Yeah, then I say file rape charges. You were being responsible not driving drunk... and they SHOULD look at that... though it may still not work in your favor unless he pleads guilty... they'll say "Couldn't you have called someone" or "you could have caught a taxi." They may even ask where your proof is, since he never penetrated you there's no semon to use as evidence....
He should be punished for it, but sometimes the government can be pretty screwed up... especially with some of the twisted lawyers out there. I wish you the best of luck though!
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (24 January 2007): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionok, to answer some of your questions, i could have got up and left, but with the state i was in if i would have got pulled over i would have been up crap creek with out a paddle. He di try to penetrate me, and i did stop that. however he proceeded to use a vibrator on me. he hurt me a couple of times and i told him to stop, but he proceeded, he finally hurt me so badly i yelled at him and he stopped and left, but only after i had pushed him away two or three times. hpe this helps you all who want to know
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (23 January 2007): I think every girl (or guy) knows if they have been raped or onot, they don't need a ton of people on the Internet to argue the specifics of what it is and isn't.
How you proceed is up to you, but I'm sure you have learnt that these king of things can happen when you put yourself in situations such as you describe.
You should have the freedom to do whatever you wish, but unfortunately the world does not work like that. I suggest if you feel you have been raped to speak to a charity or organisation that is trained in dealing with any questions you have. If not, move on and learn from this experience so it does not happen again.
...............................
A
male
reader, eddie  +, writes (23 January 2007):
 I read your original post and your second reply. You have a problem here. There will be your version of what happened and his. No means no ! Without questiion. You hurt your case though by remaining in that situation. It hurts your credability.
You state clearly that you had control of yourself. That is good but it also hampers your defense. This is why. If I had control of myself and someone was violating me, I'd stop the situation. You have to ask yourself why that didn't happen. If you were being restrained, forced of intimidated etc, then it would be assault, 100 %.
I'd like more information. For example, you said you tried to ask him to leave. What was he doing at that moment, and if he didn't stop, why didn't you stop. What exactly did you say? This is where he'll argue your intentions.
You will say the guy entered the room and joined in on the sex. You'll say you didn't want him there.
He will say that you did. Only the three of you know exactly what happened. If this went to court, the defendants lawyer might ask you why you didn't get up and leave. He might also ask you if you "participated" in sex with the third guy. He might ask if you perhaps, participated at the moment and felt guilty or bad about it later. These are all valid questions if you are accusing somebody of this type of thing. These situations can become quite unpleasant.
You must be sure about what happened. Be realistic when you're trying to remember. I think the most important question, at this point, is this. Why didn't you leave? I'm not saying your not telling the truth but this is a valid question. It's also one you must be prepared to answer.
These things turn very ugly. I hope you understand I'm playing the devils advocate. I'm being truthful though. What you're claiming is very serious and could ruin this guys life. He'll fight you on this. Here's an example of my point. If you were on at a bus stop and a stanger started poking you with a stick, you'd tell him to stop. If he didn't stop, you'd move out of his reach. This is common sense.
You have every right to expect to be left alone when you say STOP! If this guy really didn't respect what you said, he's a rotten person and quite possibly broke the law. If you said stop, that ALONE should be enough, period! If you were wishy washy and said, I'm not sure or I'm a little nervous, they'll argue that point. I would love to hear both sides of the story though.
Good luck.
...............................
A
female
reader, black_diamond329 +, writes (23 January 2007):
 There doesn't actually need to be a fight between you and him btw or him holding you down against your will with you putting up a fight. Also doesn't require you to have got up and left becuase if you can prove that you were intoxicated enough then the courts can find him being reckless as to your consent as you were incapable of making that sort of decision at that time. Comes under the same heading as woman under 16 who have sex and mentally ill woman as it is agreed that they would not have the mental capacity to know whether or not they were agreeing on sex by their own freewill. There are several cases to document this including some US ones I found the other day so trust me on this one.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (23 January 2007): firstly no is no, if you said no and he still went on then that is without a doubt rape!if the situation has affected you in a way, then do something about it, if you don't wanna do something drastic like going to the police a report it, then just go see someone professional that can help you get through this
...............................
A
female
reader, willywombat  +, writes (23 January 2007):
 Could you have gotten away? Did you try? Or did you just half heartedly tell him to 'gerrof'?
I do not like to differentiate bewteen 'rapes' but you have not given us enough to go on here. You do not say what your actions where. Please give some further information so we may help you more.
...............................
A
female
reader, Amethyst +, writes (23 January 2007):
I can see it as rape, since it was not mutually wanted, but the law might not see it as such. They see it as, if you didn't get up and leave, you eventually agreed. Now, if you had gotten up and attempted to walk out, and he pinned you down and penetrated you, that's DEFINATELY considered rape. But if you take this to court more than likely the other man's lawyer will play some twisted sh~t and pull out the fact you were drunk, and the fact you didn't attempt to leave. (I took a summer law course when I thought I may be a lawyer one day...)
Sorry for the bad news, but I thought I'd save you the trouble. By all means if you're traumatized and are willing to still attempt, go for it! Maybe do some research first to see for yourself? I'm out of ideas now... but I wish you the best of luck! That guy deserves what's coming to him.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (23 January 2007): yes, it is considered rape. i am going through all of this myself ... different situation though. did you get tested right away??? without enough evidence the case couldn't be pushed any further, but you may atleast try & see what happens. good luck with everything. stay strong!
...............................
A
female
reader, black_diamond329 +, writes (22 January 2007):
Hey there
I don't know what the law is exactly in USA but here in the UK rape is made up of 2parts the act of vaginal penetration and the intention to have non consensual intercourse with a woman or, reckless as to whether she is consenting. So if you think he did both parts then you can go to the police about it. Obviously there will be no DNA evidence but if you could get that other guy to testify to the events or your lawyer could come up with evidence of previous cases where he has done likewise then you could have a good case. IT is likely that rape would be hard to prove but you could still get him at least for sexual assault. Just think if he done it to you then who else would he do it to? Don't you feel you have a responsibility to get this guy off of the streets? Also they will not be allowed to use evidence on your drinking as it is a character assasination which is strictly not allowed. Unless the evidence is probative rather than prejudice of your character or you wish to speak about his character as a way of prosecuting him (although same rules for probative thing apply for him too unless he has prior convictions of this sort of behaviour) then it won't be allowed so you don't need to worry about that. Most of the time the courts tend to take a womans side and are not concerned about your sexual history etc. Hope this helps
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (22 January 2007): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionWell I don't drink all the time. once a month (if that), so i am by no means an alcoholic. I knew what was going on. I wasnt so drunk as to the point i didnt know where i was at. I wasnt puking and i wasnt delirious. I did have control of myself and i left the bar with ONE guy not TWO.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (22 January 2007): However, I wouldn't say the Anon Reader is wrong though. I understand that the element of 'rape' was there with 22-25 Ms. Anon, but it IS true that she got herself drunk and put herself in that situation. If she was more responsible with her drinking habits, then she wouldn't have been in that situation. Also, it is true what Reader said about that guy she was having sex with. What was he doing all that time? Probably just trying to blow his load I'm sure not caring whether another guy was touching and rubbing against her.
There are two problems here:
1) another man touched her without her consent
2) she got drunk and allowed questionable situations to arise
Dagwood has it right on the spot with the advice. Mind you, I'm not saying Chazx is wrong either. Your comments also has elements of both previous posters that can help the question asker.
...............................
A
female
reader, chazx +, writes (22 January 2007):
 i think the answer from the anonymous person is bang out of f**king order. who are you to tell her she is in the wrong.look at the end of the day you did not consensually have sex with this man. get counceling and ask for some advice. see what they say and if they say you report it, then please do so. guys like that need to be stopped.Keep us informed.chaz x x x
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (22 January 2007): I think you may be experiencing delayed trauma from the situation. You got drunk, lost control of the situation and did not say NO and leave. That is what you should have done. You need to think about how the experience has made you feel and perhaps consider some counselling to talk about the alcohol problem. You can feel better, but you wont if you try to blame it all on the other guy. Hard though it is, and he did behave disgustingly, think about your role in the situation and sort it out so that it does not happen again. What was the man with you doing? Protecting you? Loving you? I don't think so! Is this what you think human relationships are about? I have no idea whether it constitutes rape. You may well feel humiliated and raped in a way, but it would be hard to prove as you did not try to get away. You need to value yourself more and look after your own wellbeing because it is precious and you are worth it. You really are.
...............................
A
male
reader, Dagwood  +, writes (22 January 2007):
 If he did this without your consent and took advantage of you being drunk while having sex with his friend then it's wrong. At the very least this would be considered as sexual harassment or rape if he actually penetrated you. Why did this "other guy" that you consented to have sex with not defend you? It should be reported but I warn you that it will be very difficult to prove anything and it may, as it happens in many rape cases, ruin your reputation. I would suggest speaking with a counsellor or your family doctor as this is not a nice thing to happen and you need to discuss it with a professional. Look after yourself.
...............................
|
