A
male
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I'm friends with a female at work and I'm concerned that she isn't into me anymore like she used to be. We used to talk, have a laugh and things seem to have changed.A man who I'm not friends with anymore and who I'm not keen on is now friends with the female I like, I've tried being cool with her but it doesn't seem to work and it's like I don't exist.I'm really depressed about this and it's like he's come in like a raging bull and ruined everything. The attention is strongly pointing towards him and I'm getting less from her.He follows her round the warehouse like a lost puppy and it's quite embarassing, and the fact he is already seeing someone else makes it kind of an issue, and I feel sorry for his partner who loves himWhat should I do?I'm just so confused
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female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (1 July 2016):
 You should listen to Tisha 1 because it could happen that you end up making her feel so uncomfortable that you lose your job because she files a complaint. You may think you are being good and kind to her, but if she has no feelings, this amount off intensity can scare a girl and make her very uncomfortable.
A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (1 July 2016):
 I thought of another possibility . Of course I cannot know if it's the right guess, but, seeing how " intense " you are about this girl, and " intense " always shows..... it's a possibility.
This girl used to give you some attention, and now this has decreased.
You link it in a cause - effect way to the arrival on the scene, and interference , of this other guy .
I wonder if, instead, this is just a coincidence, and the girl has voluntarily decreased her interaction with you, precisely because she noticed that you have a big crush on her, which she does not intend to encourage. Friendly and chatty, OK- romantic, not OK with her. But since there was the distinct risk of you equivocating her friendly demeanour , she nipped it in the bud.
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1  +, writes (1 July 2016):
 I'm going to assume that the no and no answer is in response to my questions. So you don't need a reminder about workplace friendships and you are not on the autism spectrum, so that means that you are completely able to understand that what you're doing isn't appropriate.
Back when I was in my 20s, I worked in an office with many people, one of whom was a single gentleman who apparently took a shine to me. He was a subcontractor for the company, He was not an employee. In my day-to-day job duties, I would encounter him often. Then some strange things begin to happen, I received chocolates, flowers, cards, and all unsigned. I talked to the single men, asking if any of them were responsible for the unwanted and unwelcome courtship gestures. I was very upset, because I felt I was being stalked, I felt I was being treated in a way that grown-up man wouldn't sink to.(On a sidenote I love chocolates I love flowers and I love cards but only from a man I'm in a relationship with. Friendship is not such a relationship.)
It was very upsetting and made the workplace feel somehow unsafe.
I finally was able to determine that the gestures were from this individual based on his handwriting.
I was so weirded out by this man's odd behavior that I went to my boss, who is a married man, and told him what was happening to me.
I am not aware of all the details, but my boss told me that the individual would no longer bother me. The contract for this individual was not renewed, he lost the company he worked for their contract with my company.
I never saw him again. I felt grateful to my boss--the married man--who stepped in and and acted like a supervisor and a friend in dealing with this unwanted attention. Why am I telling you this? Because you are starting to sound like a man who doesn't understand that he is engaging in appropriate contact with a fellow employee.
The man you think is keeping her from you is probably in fact protecting her from you. If you want to keep your job, if you value the income you receive from your employer, you need to back off contacting this "female"--which FYI is a creepy term just to begin with--you can refer to her as a coworker or a woman, but referring to her as a "female" is decidedly odd. You are in danger of losing your job.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (1 July 2016): These work place antics and people who fall into the same traps and do the same things are common; just different faces and different work places. You can almost predict people's actions in such an environment. So many succumb to kindergarten behaviour. And they don't even see it! But their co-workers do!How many times have I seen "Sandy" who is an older engineer come to my desk or follow me around the warehouse because I am young and pretty? Everyday for the three years I was employed there! He KNEW I was married. They don't care. Then there was "Mac" who followed me around. Always sat with me at lunch in the lunchroom. I thought he was nice enough but he liked me more. Told me his marriage was boring and his wife was his only sexual partner. LOL Too much information!!!! So, I had to get away from him when he started on that. Could not get away fast enough!! YIKES!!! My point is, men are like a revolving door. Once she gets tired of this guy - OH, AND SHE WILL - there will be somebody else who will come 'round to kiss her ass! Do you have more self respect than to be just another dumb guy chasing her? YES, YOU DO! Do you want to know what pretty girls really think when you follow them around? They think WOW, I must be something special. And you just breathe another puff into their ever inflating ego. AND they tell all their girlfriends about you and have a laugh at your expense. Trust me, this is what they do. I know. I was one of them. Thankfully I am more mature now and have lived and learned.Unfortunately, people get priorities messed up sometimes at work. They are there to do a job. Yes, they should be able to get along with co-workers and respect one another professionally. But it's a work place at the end of the day. If things get out of hand or they begin to behave inappropriately, they will be reprimanded by human resources. You can rest assured of this. Somebody is always watching. Depends on whether somebody actually has the nerve to rat somebody out or not.Now, if you fear that they are going to become involved in a personal (sexual?) relationship outside work, then consider yourself fortunate not to become involved with a girl like this. A girl who loves the attention, is insecure and lacks morals. So much so that she is willing to sleep with a man who is committed to someone else. If she is capable of doing this with him, then she is capable of doing this to you if you were to get involved with her.Beware of women who are users and fair weather "friends." They end up making you feel bad. But remember that you allow them to make you feel bad. You do not have to give them that much power. You could tell yourself (insert eye roll)... they are making fools out of themselves. They will crash and burn on their own, without my involvement. I am there to do my job. I will do it to my best ability. I will be friendly with everyone. And I will try to limit my contact with both these people. They are bringing me needless and unwanted drama.I think she is just soaking up his attention. I don't think she is seriously interested in getting involved with him. I could be wrong. But I do see her moving onto someone else in the not too distant future. He may be of use to her right now in some way.This is my advice to you. Free yourself and clear your own mind of this. You are hurting yourself. She is not thinking a second about you. She is moving along happily without a care about you. Sorry, sweetie. But she is. Sometimes we need to use logic.Now, if you really WANT a shot at her, follow this advice. Back off. Women like a challenge. If you pay her too much attention, you spook her out. She will run. But once you stop paying attention to a woman - especially one that is attractive and relies on male attention for validation - she is going to come 'round more. Trying to WIN you over again. Wondering WHY you are not paying attention to her anymore. She is USED to men following her around. But YOU are NOT. YOU are different. THIS will intrigue her. And likely she will begin to show interest in you again. I can tell you that when a man is not paying attention to me, as a woman who is used to having looks, it always intrigued me. Because I am used to men approaching me. Tell you a quick story. My now boyfriend was very cool with me. Ended up because he nervous around me and liked me so much. He withdrew. And appeared not interested, even though he gave me some classic signs such as prolonged eye contact and reasons to help me out etc. But he backed off. I am the one who chased him and started the ball rolling. Because he WAS a CHALLENGE. Just another viewpoint for you.Either way, I think you are blowing this up far too much. Just go to work. Do your thing. And ignore them. Whatever is meant to happen, will happen. In it's own way, in it's own time.Wish you the best.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (1 July 2016): I think you over-valued a casual work-friendship that happens when people are either new; or when you take them under your wing, they start to depend on you for help. You're mainly instrumental in helping a newcomer, or unpopular person to adjust and/or to gain their bearings.
Most people are very appreciative of such kindness. You may have been a little manipulative, as was she.
Say the warehouse is mostly older or married-men; or the women don't quickly embrace the younger, not necessarily prettier, new girl. You're her first pick. Probably in her age-group, friendly, helpful by nature; and not to leave out a little lonely. Perhaps a tad desperate. She gravitated towards the friendliest person she could find. Now that she has used you up and gotten used to you; she moved on to the next guy who is now a novelty, and going out of his way to pour on the attention. Not to mention the allure of forbidden fruit.
You don't seem to grasp the fact you weren't dating. You had a few laughs and she was friendly towards you. Now jealousy is showing; and you see the other guy as a rival and competition. Do you not realize the immaturity and unhealthiness in this entire scenario you've presented?
First-off, she has every right to be friendly with whomever she chooses. That doesn't necessarily mean she and the other guy are carrying-on anymore than something friendly. You're implying he's cheating on his girlfriend, only out of vindictiveness. You feel threatened. That is a little scary, my friend. You're no longer friendly with the guy, and assuming a position of a betrayed boyfriend.
Get a grip!
Your appeal may have worn-off, because you were seeing things more than what she intended. He may be helping her more, but enjoying the attention he is rewarded. She is a female. and he is male; so a little bit of what you may have experienced with her is likely the case.
I say get back to work. See her for whom she is. Your co-worker. Be civilized toward both of them. Mind your own business about his relationship. Keep the drama out of your place of business. It's where you earn the money that keeps a roof over your head, clothes on your back, and food on your table. It pays the bills! Search for dating opportunities where you aren't caged-in with others who can fish in the same barrel.
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A
female
reader, Keeley345 +, writes (1 July 2016):
This guy is no serious competition for you. For one he has a partner. If this girl likes him and pursues anything with him...then she'll get burnt. Also would you want to be with someone who is happy to be another guy's bit on the side? What would that say about her?
This guy is making a fool of himself. You my friend have done nowt wrong. Just act cool, be calm and just be yourself. You want her to see you at your best not worst by reacting to this other guy's antics. Also make sure you look good, smell great and are cheerful even if you don't feel it. Smile at her, say hello and be kind. This wins me over all the time.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (30 June 2016): No and no.[Mod note: if this is from the OP, clearer follow up replies are preferred. To what does "No and no." refer?]
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A
female
reader, aunt honesty +, writes (30 June 2016):
Go back to the other posts and also read the advice you got there as well as here, what is it you want to hear from us? Do you want someone to tell you that it is not okay for her to be friends with this guy and that she loves you? Look you need to see that she is free to do what she wants, and if she does not feel the same way about you then you need to accept that. Also just because she has a friendship with another man does not mean it is sexual, so don't feel sorry for his girlfriend. Can you understand that you need to stay away from her now?
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (30 June 2016):
OP, are you on the Autism spectrum? I ask because the construct of the question suggests that you aren't familiar with some commonplace social norms.
Do you need the specific explanation about workplace friendships?
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A
male
reader, DarrellG +, writes (30 June 2016):
 WhenCowsAttack has alot of good points with the slight proviso you can, as other respondents have pointed out ask her out. Now, you might not get the answer you like but it may be the answer you need to move on and lets this go. Mooching and moaning and nursing this bitter jealousy certainly isnt going to get you where you want to be, in fact, if you want to lose her then nursing and letting those emotions fester is a sure fire way to do that. You cant assume either and there is alot of that in your post; for example, "He follows her round the warehouse like a lost puppy and it's quite embarassing, and the fact he is already seeing someone else makes it kind of an issue, and I feel sorry for his partner who loves him"How do you know there is something sinister going on? You dont. You just want to be the sole object of her attention as evidenced by;"The attention is strongly pointing towards him and I'm getting less from her."Well, even if you ask her out and she says yes, which I would hope would be the case for your sake, you will never be the sole object of her attention - she will still go to work and still have friends, male and female. Frankly, from your posting here I feel this attachment could be unhealthy for both you and her BUT I do feel you need something to be able to move on and the only way you will get that is if you ask her out so go for it and good luck :)
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A
female
reader, Anonymous 123 +, writes (30 June 2016):
 Aren't you the same person?
http://www.dearcupid.org/question/engaged-to-be-married-man-after-my-friend.html
You got a lot of great answers to your question and I'm not really sure what you want to hear, I mean the aunts have made it pretty clear that this girl is not yours to own or even to save from this guy. To be honest, you're coming across as a little obsessive and it's for your own good that you back off and accept things as they are.
I don't really see a reason for your confusion. She is free to befriend whoever she likes and while *you* might not agree with her choices, there's nothing you can do about it.
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A
female
reader, Andie's Thoughts +, writes (30 June 2016):
 You got good advice on your last post a day or so ago: http://www.dearcupid.org/question/engaged-to-be-married-man-after-my-friend.html
Honestly, OP, you either ask her out or move on.
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A
female
reader, WhenCowsAttack +, writes (30 June 2016):
Ah, workplace drama.
There's nothing you can do. If she isn't into you then she isn't into you. You can't force her, and you can't prevent them from being friends. I'm sorry that this is causing you pain, but they are adults and free to hang out together if they wish.
The only thing you can do is to move on and behave with dignity. Let your resentments go, and if you are unable then maybe it is time to seek out a new job.
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