A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Sorry for the long read, I don't know what to do and don't really have anyone to tell this all to. I love my boyfriend, we've been together for 4 years. We're both 23 years old and each other's second serious relationship. But for some reason I just can't stop thinking about this other guy...It's been about 9 months? and it just won't go away. So to give background on my relationship with my boyfriend, all our friends and family love us together. People pretty much assume we'll get married one day because we're such a great couple and have a good relationship. I mean yeah we get along great and we're the "ideal" couple. I'm still in college but he graduated about a year ago. We talk about our future etc.SO, I met the other guy in one of my classes. We're the same major so I didn't actually know him but I'd always see him in classes and he was really nice but I didn't pay attention to him, even forgot about him. It wasn't until I was studying with a friend and we ended up studying together because we recognized each other from class at the library. I was just whatever, stressed out about the test but he helped me study and I thought wow he's a nice guy. Then the quarter ended and a new one started, turned out he was in 2 classes with me. One was a night class which I knew no one in but saw him so I said hi. We ended up talking while walking back to our cars (it was a long walk) he was so nice and easy to talk to that I was looking forward to this once a week night class. Then turned out he drops that class...I felt so hurt like did I scare him away? Then I felt really sad I wouldn't have that class with him anymore...Whoa what's going on. I have a boyfriend why am I thinking about this guy? So I tried to distance myself from him in the other class but he'd say hi and ask me about the other class he dropped and sorry he left me in that class. I still thought about him...Then I started to have dreams about him!! Nothing romantic though. Just random dreams of everyday things stupid things. Then he adds me on FB...so I know he knows I have a bf. He must have looked me up too? But we have mutual friends. He's just nice as usual, never flirts with me. Just talks about school or work as usual.Summer comes along I'm thinking ok good I won't see him anymore, I'll forget. I ended up taking a summer class, long behold who shows up in the hallway...HIM! UGH! We didn't have a class together but on the same floor and he'd go out of his way and walk to where I was to talk to me. I started thinking does he have feelings for me? I stop seeing him again, I purposely go late so I wouldn't see him in the hall yet I still thought about him, and hoped I'd see him, I didn't. Then I started to have romantic dreams and thoughts about him...just 2 or 3 dreams about him kissing me, hugging me and I'd feel happy...Then I wake up all confused about the dream.I'll cut it short, I have another class with him. We sit by each other because of a mutual friend. I kind of ignore him to avoid contact, leave right after class to avoid talking or hanging out but I just don't know what to do anymore. I still think about him even though I avoid him. I can't get him out. I wouldn't cheat on my boyfriend, but it's like I can't get away from the other guy so I keep thinking about him. He isn't even making a move on me, yet I feel this odd chemistry with him like intuition he likes me back...Like when I leave he awkwardly says bye good luck with ___(hwk, buying something..) or he just is a loss for words and motions to talk but stops and waves bye. I feel like it's affecting my relationship with my boyfriend, my bf claims I'm not affectionate, thinking I'm mad at him all the time. I noticed our sex life has declined, I want my relationship with my boyfriend to work out as I still love him, but I feel like my feelings for this other guy are the problem and I don't know how to get rid of them. I'm scared I'm losing feelings for my boyfriend because of this. I feel like my boyfriend senses somethings wrong as he says it feels like he loves me more than I love him. Is this a sign I'm in the wrong relationship :/ and am I growing away, should I talk to my boyfriend about it, ugh but that would just kill him...any advice would be greatly appreciated.
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female
reader, Dorothy Dix  +, writes (6 October 2013):
Hi there. You say you have a good relationship with your boyfriend and your families like you as a couple, and ASSUME that it will all end in wedding bells down the track.
Are you sure you don't feel an obligation to stay with this guy, because of family expectations?
Because, 4 years is quite a chunk out of your lives, and so you naturally are reluctant to even think about should you end it with him.
And then the new guy comes on the scene, who just happens to be in a few of your classes, and shares some of his friends with yours - as a coincidence in all of this.
For two people to be together and to stay together, they both really need to be on the same page, for that to happen.
Your boyfriend wants to stay in the rlationship, but can you be sure it is out of a sense of obligation - because of what your families both think?
And can you be sure it isn't the same for you?
It isn't the kind of subject matter that anyone really wants to bring to light, is it?
In fact, to bring it up with the other, would seem to them like you are trying to tell them you think it is time to move on.
And there would be high emotions involved for both, and possibly some arguments as well.
And so you both avoid it, like the plague.
Even though you BOTH might be thinking about it, just the same.
It is like a taboo subject to discuss - for either party.
Your boyfriend has already started to see a change in you - even if only a slight change - and has mentioned it to you.
Plus, you have said here that your sex life has also declined, as a direct result of this as well.
And as it seems you are going to be seeing this new guy in some of your classes or on the same floor, on quite a few occasions each week, well then it is clear that he isn't going to disappear from your life, is he?
And so with each time you see this new guy you like, it is taking you to a place with your emotions, to where you are going to have to make some kind of decision about everything - and about what you want to do about it all.
And I realize, that you are probably coming to this conclusion yourself now, and so I am not exactly saying anything new to your ears.
At this stage, and as it isn't a romantic liaison with this new guy at the moment, you are not in a position where you have to make that decision now, but it definitely seems that in the not too distant future, things will change as far as that is concerned.
And probably within several weeks.
And it is pretty clear, that this new guy has some interest in you - when you mentioned some awkwardness sometimes - and so the feelings between you are mutual.
It isn't one-sided.
There is no real need to mention this to your boyfriend right now, because you are not actually seeing this other guy other than him being in some of your classes.
So it isn't like you are going out with him, outside of college.
Plus, you don't want to cheat on your boyfriend.
This is going to take some time for you to sort, but at some point you do need to be honest with your boyfriend about your feelings.
It may be that it is time for you to move on.
Perhaps there is no excitement in your current relationship now, and there may be a lot of sameness and same ole same ole.
You can't do anything about the guy at college, because he isn't going away.
You are both studying there.
And so you can't change this situation.
And so there are conflicting interests here, for sure.
And what if you broke up with your current boyfriend, and you started going out with this new guy, and then it didn't work out?
Any new relationship is always a bit of a gamble - there are never any guarantees.
However in saying that, you don't want to just stay with your current boyfriend, out of obligation.
Or that you feel you OWE him something.
That would be totally wrong, and it would mean you were together for all the wrong reasons.
It isn't decision time just yet, but it is moving in that direction, certainly.
And so for the time being, just keep being friends with this new guy, and without any expectation, and see how it all pans out over time.
If he eventually asks you - "Do you have a boyfriend?" - and he might, it would be very wise for you to be totally honest with him.
Because all relationships should always have TRUST, otherwise it won't last.
It would be wrong to lie to him, and say no you didn't have a boyfriend.
It would soon become clear that it was a lie.
And it would all be over, before it even really started.
The main thing through all of this though, is that you are completely HONEST with yourself.
At the moment, the new guy at college, is kind of like a fantasy for you.
And then your reality, is your relationship with your current boyfriend.
It is something you can't rush, just to get some kind of outcome sooner.
Anything worthwhile, can take a little longer.
So don't feel that you must decide today or tomorrow or next week.
It will soon become clear to you - with some time - as to what path you feel you must take.
A
female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (5 October 2013):
 When you are in relationships you still find other people hot. I know you have tried to avoid him but your mind is still obsessing. You know you will never get with him but somehow your relationship is missing something perhaps outside excitement?
Don't talk to him about the crush. Suggest something to do which can reignite your passion for each other. If that only works for a short time then realize this is how relationships are. There is no one guy that can capture your attention forever. Your boyfriend could be a good guy for any girl but relationships are not for everyone. Some people are able to keep up with routine and make effort, while others wonder what the heck they are doing just going through the motions.
It's natural for some people to chase after dreams and excitement, while for others they are content with life and feel secure with the sameness and predictability. Most people try to channel love into one person only. For you, maybe you and your boyfriend were high school sweethearts but you still want to play the field and experience more men. This is natural, it does not make you a bad person. There is nothing wrong in your relationship when you compare to the standard, or the average of any couple. We do get into a rut and get bored. It could be that long term relationships are wrong for you at this time of your life. You are too young to settle down with just one person because variety is the spice of life.
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