A
female
age
36-40,
*uneca
writes:So, the short... I've been married to my husband, who i love from depths i cannot describe, just over a year now. But he has a part of him that i want to understand and support but still sometimes doubt if i am really capable of making work. He loves me and swears he will always be at my side, yet he needs 2 women in his life. He says this is as basic a need for him as that to eat, just how he's wired. He sees it as a long-term, life, situation, i see it more as a short-term thing that we could enjoy while we're young, but then settle down just the 2 of us eventually with kids etc... As a compromise we've discussed that if i really show him that I'm willing to keep an open mind and give it a shot for a few years, and after that we didn't find the 'perfect girl' for both of us, that he would be happy just to settle down with me. What bothers me are 2 things really, firstly if i can let down my guard and put aside my petty jealousies (because i do trust him and know what he says is true) and just enjoy having some fun with my husband for a few years while we're still young, and secondly if it is such an inherit need for him if he can be truly satisfied with just me in the future.In the long... Essentially we're looking for a girlfriend for us both, or possibly just me. We have already had 1 girlfriend, which ended up a bit of a disaster. It started ok but since she was our first girlfriend and it all moved really fast (she was living with us since the second date basically) i had some issues with jealousy (mostly because she wanted equality, and i wasn't ready for that, i like being the number 1, the wife) and on top of that quickly realised that she and i had no physical attraction. She ended up freaking out and confessing that she was in love with my husband but not me, we broke up consequently but she remained living with us. My husband told me that he missed the situation of being with me and her, so i agreed (though was not happy about the decision) to allow the relationship with him and her to continue until she left - she had been planning to travel in 3 months time. But since she was no longer involved with me as such, though still sharing our bed, i couldn't control the jealousy until i couldn't take it any more, it hurt to much. He ended it immediately with her. And despite the ugly ending we still came out strong, and for better or worse i learnt a lot from the experience about what i want and don't want from a future relationship. And we have agreed that that kind of situation where he is involved with someone that i am not directly, won't ever happen again. Predominantly we are looking for an equal loving relationship between three, where all are involved. Or he says he would also enjoy just seeing me with a girlfriend, even if he and her were not sexually involved. I feel like if i trust him in the way i say i do and feel i do, i should be able to just relax and enjoy whatever comes along, but I've also always been a somewhat insecure person, so not sure if i can completely, and if i can't can we still make it work in the short-term?I know this is an unconventional complicated problem but i could really use some sincere advice.
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female
reader, muneca +, writes (17 April 2009):
muneca is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you for your reply danielepew, u do have a point and these are some of the things that are spinning in my mind. To clarify a little more...
yes i am bi-sexual but feel a stronger attraction to men, ie why i see my husband as the person i want to spend the rest of my life with and a woman more as a bit of fun to enjoy while i'm young. Although having said that i do want to keep an open mind to the possibility of finding that 'perfect person' but as u pointed out its going to be near impossible - which being a realist i'm more aware of than my husband i think. Also i have been thinking lately that i think if we found someone that was genuinely into me and me into her (unlike our first girlfriend) i think i would actualyl enjoy seeing her with my husband. it was just that with our first girlfriend i realised from early on that i wasn't attracted to her, i thought she was pretty and the situation presented itself and i was curious but then everything happened so fast...she was living with us (since she was travelling it was the easiest option) and they were talking about years in the future etc n i just got freaked out, then the morte i realised i wasn't into her the more i got jealous which pushed her away and towards my husband more anyway it was a learning curve for better or worse so i don't regret it, even though i would rather forget it if that makes sense. It did show me that you can have a lot of fun with three and it wasn't as hard as i thought in practice was just the wrong girl for me so it would never have worked.
and regarding the pregnancy thing, we've already dscussed and aggreed that he would never come inside another woman to avoid that ever happening, since i said not only would that be really difficult but it would break my heart if another woman had his child.
hope i made myself a little clearer! and no my husband is not a pimp thankyou very much!
A
female
reader, wonderingcat  +, writes (10 April 2009):
 Danielepew has hit the nail on the head. You want to have equality amongst the three but already there is a contradiction. There will always be one who wants to be number one (whoever that one person is).So if you are looking for an open relationship arrangement, perhaps the key word should be "arrangement" as opposed to "equal". Maybe that way it would work best for the three [or however many] of you. If that too, does not work, then you need to think of other options instead.Good luck!Cat
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A
male
reader, Danielepew  +, writes (10 April 2009):
 Since you ask for sincere advice, I can tell you I don't think this kind of arrangement will ever work. There might be more than one way to look at this situation. One can be that you seem to be looking for someone who is bisexual and can simultaneously fall in love with two different people of different sexes, who happen to be married to each other, and whom she will automatically love "equally". Also, this person needs to understand that at some point she will be asked to leave and has no recourse against that. That is to say, either she knows she will get dumped, or you two will not share that information with her. I don't think it will be easy to find such a person.
I also want to point out that this person cannot become pregnant, because that would make the arrangement a permanent one. Unless, of course, that child were to be thrown aside, too.
Seen from another angle, I wonder if, in a way that is so very much us Latin Americans, you are not hiding your true feelings behind a lot of words. Picture Fidel Castro "going to the point" in a short speech that takes as little as eight hours.
Here is a man who claims that he needs two women "as a basic need". This is just a re-wording of good ol' "He's a man", the usual explanation we used to give to the husband having a mistress.
What if your husband fell out of love of this third person, but you didn't? Maybe he would still sleep with her, just for the sake of preserving the relationship?
I see a contradiction. Despite the fact that you apparently "understand this basic need of his", you don't want that "basic need" to be fulfilled all the time; only for a few years, and then only with a woman who will be second to you (as in good ol' "I'm the wife, not the mistress").
Your agreeing to having a girlfriend suggests you're bisexual. Is that the case, really? You have manifested an interest in being married to him only, and then have his children, et cetera. The usual life of a heterosexual woman. It just doesn't add up to me. If you wanted a girlfriend too, what if you
I don't know what is really going on. But, in my old-fashioned way of being, this isn't going to work out, and there's more to this than you are telling us.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (10 April 2009): Equal between all three?
No.
Heck, its hard enough being completely equal between two.
You will need to find someone that is completely comfortable and happy playing second to you..because you are the FIRST. And you will need to feel sexual attraction to her and love her as well.
But it will always be.. either she loves you more than him.. or him more than you. And the same for your mindset,... and the same for his. Never..ever.. equal.
what it will most probably always end up as is you competing for the guy's affection. This dude sounds like a pimp. lol
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