A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I understand that I will be judged for what I am about to ask, but please understand that nothing that can be said is comparable to the guilt and pain I am putting myself through. I had a male friend for about 2 years with whom I went to school. There was definitely that spark when we first met, but I didn't say anything about it because, A. I was in a steady relationship at the time, and B. he was (seemingly happily) married.Fast forward to the end of last year. He began confiding in me and some other friends that his marriage was unhappy and had been for many years. He seemed genuinely upset and at the end of his rope when he explained their huge personality differences and how much they disagreed and didn't want the same things in life. We advised him that his wife would most likely not change, this is what he had signed up for, and he either had to compromise or think about getting divorced.A little while later, he privately confided to me that he had had serious feelings for me since we met. It really re-ignited something in me, and I later confessed I felt the same. However, I stated that I would not be "the other woman". He then swore that he was leaving his wife, he had made up his mind, and that he wanted us to be together. I told him that I wanted him to leave his marriage for HIMSELF, not me, but that I would support him.He pursued me relentlessly. I know it seems every "other woman" says this, but I'm not kidding. He didn't give up. Finally, I gave in to my feelings and his promises and we began a relationship. He spoke to both of my parents, explaining how he was leaving his marriage and loved me, and even met my friends. They saw how happy we were together and were supportive. I have severe abandonment issues from my childhood and previous relationships, and my friends were so convinced of what this man was saying that they were constantly reassuring me that he was being truthful. He told me that he had asked his wife for a divorce, that he was sleeping in the guest bedroom, and that they had begun divorce counseling. I was supportive of all of this and tried not to pressure him, as - from what he was saying - he was truly in the process of getting a separation and later divorce. We often talked of him looking for apartments and researching the divorce law in the state. Throughout this process, he was also honest with his wife that he was in love with me and that he saw all of his life's dreams with me. She knew that his feelings were serious. This past week, he came over and cried that he couldn't live without me and that I had shown him what true love was. It was a really emotional conversation. Everything was finally shifting and we were going to get to be together out in the open. We spent all day Friday together, and he told me he wanted to marry me. Everything was fine between us. Fast forward to Saturday... I see that he had deleted me from Facebook. He had changed his profile and cover photos to those of him and his wife. When he finally got a hold of me, he announced, very unceremoniously, that he was staying with his wife. He finally agreed to come over and break up with me to my face.He claimed that his wife had told him that she wanted to "change for herself" and that this single statement reversed his decision to leave and that he now wanted to make it work with her. This man had slept with me the day before, looked into my eyes and called me his soulmate, and Skyped with me and my father, telling him how much he loved me. Just over 24 hours later, and he was leaving me. When I asked him why it had taken him the whole day to tell me, he admitted that he had hoped to just delete me off of Facebook and phase me out of his life without having to talk in person. I felt so betrayed and humiliated. I want nothing to do with him, but the betrayal is heartbreaking. How can someone change their mind like that? I was clearly being used the entire time, right...? I'm not imagining this, am I? I had an awful day barely able to get out of bed without throwing up out of pure shock. I texted him asking him to bring my stuff back to me, and he replied very angrily saying he had nothing to say to me. He dumped the stuff on my front door while I was out.I have absolutely no idea who this man is. He treated me so well and kept me completely updated with all the details of his separation and divorce (dividing his assets, finding an apartment, telling his family, etc.) How does anyone change so fast? Was he just using me the entire time and lying? (When I tried to suggest that, he got very offended.)I know it was completely wrong of me to enter into a relationship with him before he was fully divorced. I am aware of that and take complete responsibility. I deserve some of the pain I am going through. I just can't understand how someone can do this to another person and then have the nerve to be angry with me. Please help.
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male
reader, Tom Obler  +, writes (22 January 2013):
 Hi,
I'm sorry for your state now. Yes, it's terrible for you.
Looking at some of the other posts, they do speak of the wife finding out or knowing anyway. So, when he said his wife knows, I would say that was the first piece of truth he has spoken. I would not search for answers. This will not help. There are no answers. Sadly, becoming involved in married men will always carry this risk of being left and heart broken. I would leave him well alone now. Hard truth is he is not and won't be coming back. Only my opinion though. Thanks.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (22 January 2013): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionModnote: stress cardiomyopathy is a recognized medical condition - otherwise called brokenheart syndrome. From a surge of stress hormones. Thank you again for the advice. I woke up today with some horrific chest pain and finally went to the ER to discover that I had, literally, a broken heart. My heart could not handle the rush of adrenaline I received from the shock of this, and - as a result - one ventricle had ballooned and was pumping blood too fast. It is called Broken Heart Syndrome. It would be funnier if it weren't so painfully accurate. I just can't believe this man. My mother called him today and left a voicemail, very calmly, just asking him to call her back so he could explain how he could involve my family in this. He texted her back saying, "[My wife] knows everything. Please leave us alone." How - HOW - can he just run away like this? I suppose I will never understand. I have no idea how to carry on. The pain of the betrayal in unbearable. Any insight would be greatly appreciated.
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A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (21 January 2013):
 " When I asked him why it had taken him the whole day to tell me, he admitted that he had hoped to just delete me off of Facebook and phase me out of his life without having to talk in person."
This got to be the most ridiculous man I've ever heard of. He calls you soulmate and a few hours later expects you to just "drift" out of his life by deleting you from FACEBOOK? Without having to talk to you? He's mentally at the age of a 15 year old!
He's an idiot.
Never get involved with a married man ever again. I'm not saying you had this coming, but the risks are higher with married men. They tend to stay with their wife. Divorced men, go for it. Separarted men... wait until they are divorced. Married men... don't touch with a stick.
His lever of agression when pursuing you, and his rapid love declarations, they were also red flags. Someone who falls in love very hard, very fast, also tend to fall out of love very quickly and suddenly. Him pursuing you while still married also speaks of his character, he is a cheater. And more likely than not, he wasn't honest with his wife about the situation. As you said, you weren't officially together. There's a chance she doesn't really know about you, because he was trying to have his cake and eat it too. Have the girlfriend on the side in case he divorces, and then have the wife there to take him back in case he changes his mind. He had one foot in each camp, one in his marriage, and one with you, ready to pull out of either one as he saw fit.
Avoid this type of man in the future. Look instead for someone who puts both his feet into ONE relationship. A person needs to always end one relationship before starting another. If they don't realize this themselves, you need to protect your heart and tell them "no" if they continue to pursue you. You need to draw the line and actually think on the behalf of others sometimes, evaluate if they actually know what is best for themselves and relationships, or if they are oblivious. Some people, especially younger ones, don't know what they want or need in relationships. You might know better. And now you know, a married man can never have a successful relationship with another woman, it is doomed to fail, because he is still married. Now you know, so if it happens again, even if he assures you he will love you forever and get a divorce... now you know better.
You don't deserve pain though. What he did to you was really dumb of him, and puts him right there on the "jerk" list. However, if you put yourself in this situation again you will have no one to blame but yourself.
Every relationship you have gives you experiences to have greater relationships in the future. Remember this. Because of the pain you feel now, you will be able to avoid this in the future, and you have a better chance at having a wonderful relationship later on. I personally know that every crappy relationship I've had has taught me valuable lessons about myself and about men. These lessons are what makes it possible for me to have better relationships later on. The relationship I am in now would have sucked, if I hadn't had those previous experiences. But now, because of all those past painful experiences, I have a good and loving relationship, best one I've ever been in. It comes with a price, but in the end it will be worth it.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (21 January 2013): Hi,
I have been in a similiar situation and right before my married man left town for a new job, he promised that if he were not married, he would have proposed to me. He also promised that he would do his best to get divorced and be with me. Fast forward two weeks, his wife lost her job and had to move in with him (they used to live in separate states). I was extremely heartbroken because just the day before we were buying furniture online together for our new home (I was going to move in with him a year later after I graduate) and I was dreaming about the day that I would share a home with him just to find out the next day that his wife was moving in. He obviously welcomed her into his home and told me if he feels like he has to be there for her and that she would offer his home to him too. He promised me still that he would end his relationship and until this day he never did. I did put my foot down after many nights of not hearing from him and him distancing myself. My advice is PLEASE be strong, I know you loved him but you just wasted your energy and love on somehow who does not deserve you. I am sure that you are a loving and caring and beautiful woman and you deserve a man who respects you 100%. It is normal and natural to grieve but just remember that his wife and him are the losers and you are the winner. You deserve to be with an honest man who will make you his number one priority and care for you and at least respect you and not hurt your feelings like this. Please stay strong and thank God that you got saved from a loser, monster, asshole. Stay strong and stay healthy and loving and the right guy will come knock at your heart.
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A
female
reader, narturallycurlyhair  +, writes (21 January 2013):
 It's awful and it hurts and you are in terrible pain but I'm sure you know, somewhere in your mind that you're better off without this guy, right?? I once had a colleague who said: "I love my partner/wife but I cheat on her regularly when I get the chance because sex is fun, because I like the thrill of the chase and for a zillion reasons. But my partner and I are so in love and I wouldn't leave her for the world". Ok, let's set aside the fact that I can't understand how you can cheat if you're so in love, but, you see, he said he loved his woman and just had fun with other ladies. Some men are like that- awful. It's a good thing that you got rid of him: no cheater who's unwilling to permanently leave his partner is ever going to be a good partner, believe me.
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A
male
reader, Tom Obler +, writes (21 January 2013):
Hi,
Sorry for how you feel. I just wanted to add that you ask how he changed so fast from talking about separating and dividing up assets. My intuition makes me believe that he didn't change at all!
He was never doing or thinking of any of the things he told you. Sadly for you it is lies. But, I'm afraid the position you were in was never a "real" relationship. I hope you heal from this.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (21 January 2013):
 That's married men for you , darling. That's why it's not a good idea to take up with one of them before the papers have been actually signed . There is always the very distinct possibility of a last minute change of heart- or chickening out.
As for how full on he was , and all the big love declarations, that's rather typical too. Unfaithful married men love dramas, soap operas in fact. They feed off these things,romance, promises, big -and shallow -gestures, "fighting for their love ". That's basically what they miss and crave , in their marriages. Not sex , really. After all, they can have sex at home any time they want, from the woman who, 99% of times, is NOT sleeping in another room. They miss the passion, the excitement, the sentimental turmoil. Even the best marriage has a way of becoming "normal", mundane, sort of boring in its comforting predictability. What's best than a nice extramarital affair to liven up things. Complete with courtship, love letters, and talks with the parents.
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A
female
reader, cute angel  +, writes (21 January 2013):
 Well I think it was important for him to convince you to get into this relationship as you clearly stated that you wouldn't be the 'other woman' now he planned accordingly first to convince you how real he was, how damaged his marriage was and to make this even stronger he involved your friends and family and showed them how much he really loved you, but it was all part of his game, an act..I'm going to be honest and say 'he played you'..the reason of sharing his intricate details may possibly be 1) pity you feel bad for him give him what he wants 2) sharing details meant getting closer to you and convincing you.. He was just a scam, a bad chapter in your life, however hard its going to be you need to forget him and move on!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (21 January 2013): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you all for your responses. They have really helped. I am still just wondering... why would he go to all the trouble of convincing my friends and parents? Writing them letters, Skyping with them, meeting them, etc. Really going all out to make sure they knew how much he loved me. I am just still confused about this. Thank you for any additional insight.
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A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (21 January 2013):
 We guys are curious - and conniving - creatures. Sometimes, even when we have a tolerable/good/great marriage or relationship, we just can't resist to "test the waters" and see if the grass isn't really greener in the next yard.... You were the unfortunate woman who was the target of this philandering. It is no reflection upon you... it's simply a fact of "man-life."
When we do this checking (for the greener grass) we tend to dust off our best charming, "Dale Carnegie" self, and woo the unfortunate victim as she's never been woo'ed before... After all.... we have to prove to ourself just how manly/studly/sexy and desireable we are.... AND we know we have to put on our best facade. THAT's what you saw...
HOWEVER, deep inside, we men also have a need to have that
"Mommy-woman" who is soft and fuzzy, and will kiss our boo- boos and make us feel better.....
Once we make our attempt at subverting the marriage/relationship we KNOW that we are going to get our butts kicked... potentially by BOTH women.... BUT, we are usually content to part with the "other woman" (as you point out)..... 'cuz, ultimately, that will be the less-painful alternative for us. (P.S. It also costs 'way less!!!!!)....
I'm sorry to read of what you've endured. BUT would like you to feel much better about yourself that this whole issue is based more on HIS disloyalty to his partner than it is to being the DOG he was, to you....
Chalk this up to a VERY unpleasant lesson... and go on with your life with your chin up... and alert to the NEXT guy who is going to try this with you....
Good luck....
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A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (21 January 2013):
 I'm guessing his wife caught him and all hell broke loose, and the words he said to her over and over were "it didn't mean anything to me" or "It was just sex" or "I don't know what I was thinking".
You don't sleep with someone and then dump them the next day like that unless you've been caught and given the legal and verbal thrashing of your life. Then all the fantasy and all the "you've taught me what true love is" BS flies right out the window.
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A
female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (21 January 2013):
 Never believe anything a married man says. It doesn't matter that he had been your friend for two years. He fed you a script, a very creative one too. You said he has to divorce for himself, then he said his wife changed for herself. Too much coincidence. It's too late to get facts out of him. He wants you gone. I can bet all the things he had said and done did not take place. He is not angry with you. He is warding you off by being unpleasant. A sociopath is charming, glib, says all the right things but can be ruthless when people are no longer useful to him.
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A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (21 January 2013):
This happens terribly often in affairs. Remember, while he was with you, he had to concoct a ton of lies to tell his wife in order to be with you. Never be surprised that anyone who can live a lie with their spouse could also lie to you, and that's what he did.
A cheater's words are worthless. A cheater's pursuit or declaration of feelings are worthless. A cheater's statements about his wife or marriage are worthless. When you get into a relationship with a cheater, especially one who starts an affair with you by cheating on his wife, he can give you nothing, promise nothing, work towards nothing, and you start a relationship with a bankruptcy of trust. Doesn't make for any kind of start.
Also, remember, and burn this into your heart the next time it wants to override your brain, if you have abandonment issues, stay away from someone who has to abandon someone else in order to be with you. He alienated affection from his wife. He alienated his best from her, and it makes me consider him human garbage for saying that he changed his mind when she said "SHE" would change. HE needs to change, because no woman deserves to be treated that way.
The guy did use you. Call it "confusion" or "rationalization" or "his marriage was in the coffin", but all you have are a cheater's words. You will grieve, but make this horrible thing become a positive in your life. Instead of wasting away pining for him or angry he could dump you, become better.
Never date a cheater, even if you hear that he cheated on his wife with someone else in his past. If you deal with abandonment issues, do not date anyone who is married, no matter what's spoken to you.
He is not a typical man, so don't get bitter about men either. You *can* get bitter about cheaters, and that would be a good thing! That way, if a married man starts pursuing you you can tell him to get away from you until you see court finalization papers of his divorce.
BY the way, the married man's anger is worthless too. It's also a lie. Him, angry at you? What a laugh. He's a sham and a liar and cheat and a fake, and the gum you scrape off of your shoe is worth more than he and his stupid fake scumbag anger is. Be angry at yourself and resolve never to date another married man as long as you live.
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