A
female
age
26-29,
anonymous
writes:I’ve recently taken back my boyfriend after he cheated on me. Am I right in telling him he can’t go out with his mates because I think they are a bad influence on him? The last thing I’d ever want to be is a controlling partner as I cannot STAND people like that, but I kind of feel like they lead him astray all the time. The problem is he hangs out with a group of 6 other lads and out of all of them, he’s the only one who’s not single. None of them seem the slightest bit interested in having actual relationships so are out on the pull all the time and having one night stands, meaning my boyfriend is constantly in and around single women, and at the whim of temptation I suppose.I should know, it happened a few months ago. After pubs re-opened in April him and his mates were out drinking all the time. No word of a lie, one day they literally spent about 10 hours in a pub garden. I could understand that they hadn’t been out together in months and months because of lockdown but it was almost every day they were going out. Aaaand he ended up cheating on me. He confessed that he’d kissed and had a fumble with a girl he met in a bar. I was absolutely heartbroken and dumped him. I didn’t believe him either that he didn’t have full sex with her, but I ended up messaging the girl in question and she confirmed it went no further than kissing and a bit of touching. She had no reason to lie about it either.So at the very least I could appreciate that he was completely honest with me about it, and he actually confessed instead of trying to keep it a secret and get away with it. I suppose that’s why we ended up getting back together. He had apologised and begged me for another chance over and over again in the weeks after it happened but I just ignored him. However we started talking again earlier this month and I realised how much I missed him. I decided to forgive him and start again, but obviously he knew he had a lot to do to regain my trust. I’m not making any excuses for what he did; nobody forced him to get with that girl but at the same time I think his mates are a real problem. I recently found out that two of them regularly visit strip clubs and seedy bars. Of course they’re both single and that’s their business but literally all it would take is for them all to be on a night out and one of them to suggest going to one of these places, and my boyfriend would probably be in there with them. I told him last night I didn’t want him going out on nights out with them anymore and it didn’t go down well. We had quite a big argument and are at loggerheads over it. One the one hand I feel I’m more than justified in not trusting him but on the other hand can I really try and stop him from seeing his friends? We’ve only been together for 2 years (Less the 3 months we were split) whereas he’s known his friends since they were all in school.Like I said, I hate people who try to control their partners and tell them what they can and can’t do. I had an ex who tried to control what I wore and alienate me from my friends, all because he was so jealous and paranoid. It made me realise how horrible he was. The last thing I’d ever want to do is alienate him from his mates and start making the rules of our relationship, but at the same time I feel like my hands are tied over it. What would you guys do?
View related questions:
cheated on me, heartbroken, jealous, kissing, one night stand Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, kenny +, writes (1 September 2021):
 At the end of the day, no matter how you dress this up he cheated on you.
He knew what he was doing, he made a choice knowing he had a girlfriend, but he still chose to have a kiss and a fumble, and in my book that's cheating.
He has broken your trust, trust is one of the most important contributing factors that bind a relationship together, without trust a relationship is doomed to fail.
Being influenced by he friends say's a lot about his strenth of character, i feel if he was stronger he would not let them be so influential, and have more time for his girlfriend.
I feel now the trust has been broken, you are now going to be looking over your shoulder all the time wondering what he is up to when he is out, who it is every time his phone goes off, and these feelings are unhealthy.
If you can't trust him then i think maybe it's time to let this one go and move on.
A
female
reader, Anonymous 123  +, writes (28 August 2021):
 You sound like a rational, reasonable, sensible person and from what you write, you're articulate and you know what you want and more importantly, you know exactly what you don't want.
You will be much, MUCH better off leaving your immature boyfriend and I'll tell you exactly why.
He has 3 major problems.
1. Loser friends that he's reluctant to let go because he's known them almost all his life.
2.) His problem with drinking
And 3.) The fact that he's already cheated on you. Trust, like a glass vase, once broken can never ever be built back.
Trust me OP, none of this is going to change.
Even if you somehow get him to not see much of his skidmark friends, you know that he's already capable of cheating on possibly the best thing that's happened to him. You. And that is what happens when people get something or someone they don't deserve. They don't know how to cherish it.
You can't possibly always keep an eye on him and as much as you dislike his friends, the decision to kiss that other girl was entirely his. You've said it yourself.
Now when you got back with him, if he had any remorse, regret or self-realization, he would have/should have told you, on his own, that he would maintain a distance from these friends who you don't like for good reason and also because they're not a good influence on him. That feeling, that realisation should come from within. The fact that it hasn't, means that nothing has changed. And I'm not surprised because frankly this guy sounds like a weak loser.
You miss him because you miss the familiarity and starting over all over again is never an easy choice. However, you should know when to walk away.
Trust me, been there in a different version of this. He is so not worth it.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (28 August 2021): You will regret forgiving him. He will cheat again if he gets the chance, and make silly promises again if you find out... stop making excuses for him by blaming his friends, if he cheats it is his choice, not theirs. Nobody makes him. He sounds like a silly child.
...............................
A
female
reader, Tinacandida +, writes (27 August 2021):
 If he was serious about coming back to you then he must change his lifestyle and not go out with his single friends. Simple as that really.
...............................
A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (27 August 2021):
 Ah, OP
The "classic mistake" to "forgive" a cheater and take them back.
You haven't forgiven him that is obvious. You "said" the words but the actual forgiveness take time and you aren't there yet.
Like FA said, do you want to be a GF or a prison warden?
You don't trust him (and rightly so) but trying to control who he sees, who he talks to, what he does it's NOT going to work. IF he wants to cheat HE will.
And let's also consider WHO you are becoming. YOU are becoming controlling. But you don't seem to really get that YOU can not CHANGE or CONTROL another person AND have a healthy relationship. It's just not going to happen. He might do what you ask, FOR NOW, but no one wants to be told they can't see friends or do this or that.
I'm sure you have found that YOU have changed after being cheated on and NOT for the better. You lost trust in him, you lost respect for him (and his friends) and you LOST respect for yourself. DUMPING him was the right move. Taking him back makes you look weak.
The tighter you try and CONTROL him, the more he will go behind your back and lie to your face to continue to do what HE really wants to do. Hang out with his mates and ACT/BE single.
His mates DID NOT make him cheat OP. The SOLE responsibility for the cheating lies with your BF. At any point could he have stopped and walked away. He CHOSE not to.
My bet is that you will TRY and make it work and you will get hurt again. Or worse, pregnant with the idiot.
I hope you take some time and look at what would be BEST for you. Dating someone you can not trust and you think you have to put a leash on to ensure HE doesn't do "bad things" is NOT healthy.
I think you should respect yourself more and trust that gut of yours that told you, no way I want to be with a cheater.
...............................
A
male
reader, Fatherly Advice +, writes (27 August 2021):
 Good post, you've covered the important parts.
1) Are his friends friends of the relationship?
2) Do you want to be a warden?
So as for friends of the relationship. It is possible for a committed person to have active friends who are single, but those friends have to be friends of the relationship. Friends who will not cheerlead cheating, or questionable activities like strip clubs. Instead they will remind him of his commitment and send him home when he is tempted to stray. If his friends are friends of the relationship they are friends to you. They respect healthy boundaries. But most of all they keep drunk accidents from happening.
If you are at loggerheads with his friends, they won't cheer for you. If you support them they are more likely to support you. but some singles never seem to make the leap to friends of the relationship.
Next wardening. It is no fun to be constantly monitoring your partner, checking their location, auditing their phone. It is the opposite of trust. And, trust is the stuff relationships are made of. If you are the warder, the friends will start to think of you as the old ball and chain, and they won't cheer for you or the relationship.
Not only do you not want to be a warden, you can't have a healthy relationship by being a warden. Sure you can lay down boundaries. But, he has to keep them on his own.
TLDR, a person in a relationship can have single friends if those friends are friends of the relationship. You don't need a warden if the friends of the relationship keep him on path.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (27 August 2021): I have to agree that his mates are a driving influence behind his slip into unfaithfulness; but he also has his own mind and conscience. He failed the test of loyalty; but he now knows the consequences.
Can you give him an order not to see his mates? I have to say no, you can't. Although, you do have a right to set conditions and boundaries regarding the continuance of your relationship. If his friends like to visit seedy joints that lead to hooking-up with women; he should know better than to go, since he is the only one in a committed-relationship. He's not a child, he knows right from wrong. He also knows how drinking too much will lower your inhibitions and impair your judgment. You can't entirely blame it on the alcohol, because you also have a will. You have moments to think before you act.
If he doesn't voluntarily want to limit his contact with his single-friends, he will always find himself fighting temptation. They're only going to hangout in places where they can find hookups; and they're a little jealous of the fact he has found a woman willing to give him her heart. While they're still out chasing skirts and with nobody to come home to.
He has to mature and grow-up; if he wants to carry-on an adult-relationship. He has to man-up to his commitment; and it isn't up to you to control who he hangs out with.
He should be faithfully-committed enough to realize his friends are a bad-influence; and possibly attempting to sabotage his relationship. If he's a stupid man-boy, you'll always be playing his surrogate-mother; and a relationship like that is certain to fail. Your reconciliation would therefore only be going through the motions; and you've made a mistake giving him a second-change.
How would he have taken it if you had gone-out with your girlfriends and gotten drunk, and ended-up sucking-face with some random guy??? He'd want you to get rid of your friends, or he'd hate you too much to forgive you; because his male-ego would peg you a slut, and undeserving of his forgiveness. He'd be humiliated in-front of his buddies.
I suggest you just tell him, he won't get another chance. You'll find-out somehow if he does cheat again; and you will not allow him to use his no-count friends as an excuse. You can find a guy more mature and better than that. You deserve better than that.
...............................
A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious +, writes (27 August 2021):
 What would I do? I would 100% walk away from this relationship, for two clear and simple reasons:
1) Being back in this relationship has turned you into the sort of person you hate. The person with whom we choose to be in a relationship should help make us the best version of ourselves we can be, not the worst. You admit you hate people who try to control their partners yet, based on the fact that he cheated on you and the fact his friends are all single and happy to have one night stands, you are trying to control what he does and who he sees.
2) For a relationship to have any chance of surviving long term, you need TRUST. You have lost your trust in him and he is doing little to regain it.
You have been there once. You know he is capable of cheating (which, incidentally, doesn't have to involve full sex). Would you read a book again and expect it to have a different ending? Of course you wouldn't, so why would you go back to someone who has already cheated on you once and expect a different outcome, especially when he is not willing to work at regaining your trust.
This is not going to end well. Take a deep breath and walk away from it and find yourself someone who you don't have to worry about when he goes out. Your boyfriend is too immature to be in a serious relationship.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 August 2021): There is a whole world out there and you are still young enough to be finding your way.
I think your boyfriend may be taking you for granted as I can't understand why he would be out with the lads while you stay in at home.
I suppose I should say that you should start as you mean to continue.
I'm unsure why it would make you feel better to speak to the 'other girl/woman' and then to forgive him.
As I see it this is how he intends to continue.
But you have to figure out where you draw the line.
It's a very difficult time for everyone at the moment but you need to value yourself whatever the outcome.
Maybe you should think about what you expect from him in the future and ask yourself if he realistically is good enough for you.
I personally don't see him being prepared to compromise.
...............................
|
