A
male
age
36-40,
*lyboy275
writes:I'm sorry for the long post, just bear with me:I have been dating a great girl for about 7 months now, we are both very much in love, and i honestly believe that she is the best thing that has ever happened to me. She comes from a small town and has had quite a horrible history. She lost her virginity at 14 to a 21 year old. Apparently he had gotten her drunk and taken advantage of her. I asked her if she had reported him, and she said she hadnt because she was afraid her parents would find out, and she did not want them to disown her.About a year later, she was raped by her boyfriend (at the time) and two of his friends. Apparently she was out at a party, and while every one had gone to get more alcohol......she was held down by these guys and they each took their turn. Again i asked if she had said anything to anyone about this.....and again, she had not because she said she was scared. Afterwards, she lived on co-existing with these individuals and became normally sexually active (like all kids now a days)While i admit, these events must be very scary I am not going to lie, they do me.......i hate to hear of instances when my baby girl (the one i love so much) is taken advantage of like that. The thing that kills me is that she says what has happened to her has made her stronger, and almost goes as far as to defend these individuals for what they have done when we speak about these instances,Citing that she tries to find the good in people. Since these events, she became decently promiscuous....which is perfectly fine with me. I realize that we both have histories, but i have found out something new lately. When i was a freshman in college, i drunkenly had unprotected sex. A pregnancy scare then resulted from this. As it turns out, the child was not mine, but this put into perspective all the conception myths that i had heard up until that point. (Pull out and you will be fine, make sure it is on one of her "safe" days...etc). I realized that there is no SAFE way to have unprotected sex. Well, yesterday, while talking to my girlfriend, i found out that i am the only guy (out of 15 or so partners) that has worn a condom while having sex with her. She said that she had a "system" and only had sex when she knew it was safe. I asked her when her "safe" days were, and she said anytime after her egg "comes out" following her period. I was honestly shocked, that someone that i had thought to be my intelligent equal had ever practiced something so ridiculously ignorant. The worst part is that she still believes in this system, and said that it had always worked for her except for one instant. I asked about this "instant" and she explained that she had gotten pregnant off of an old boyfriend about a year ago and had to get an abortion. Again, this does not bother me, the fact that does is that i asked her....."well after that pregnancy, you do realize that you were wrong right?" and she disagreed. She blamed the pregnancy on him and said that it was not follwoing her "system"I also found out that even following her pregnacny and the abortion, she further participated in unprotected sex numerous times before meeting me......three times even with my best friend (who knew better!!!) I know that everyone has a past, but this really bothers me, i cant stand to thinkg that she actually believes in this "system" and i cant help but wonder how she did not end up pregnant more than once....and i find myself mad at my buddy for not even showing the respect to wrap up (even when he himself had a pregnancy scare that ended in abortion) I mean, am i the only careful and SANE one in this situation, I just cannot even fathom the state of mind that would be so careless...........any thoughts anyone might have about this situation would be extremely helpful.... THANKS
View related questions:
abortion, best friend, condom, drunk, her ex, period, unprotected sex Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (28 March 2008): Hi there poster, I really feel for you here:
My EX Kate was raped years ago by some guy, he held her captive and repeaedly raped her for 36 hours.
She got pregnant as a result of this and had the child.... over 10 years later we were together and loved each other (and knew all about each other) and I made her pregnant, despite being in love, being a decent guy and really wanting to be a dad she terminated my child, it made me feel that I was worse than a rapist when she terminated our child after weeks of letting me believe was gonna be a dad...
Anyway.. The moral of this is that you need to be sure about everything:
My advise is this:
She knows she has a good man in her life (Thats you!!) she has made a determined effort to change the pattern of her behaviour (from the past) so she obviously thinks alot of you..
Subtly suggest that you both have tests done for sexual health, this way you can progress in you relationship, and having the all clear will show both of you that it's OK to truely love one another and show each other this love both phyically and emotionally.
You will need to patient with her as she has been through hell, I remember when my EX told me of her ordeal (In great detail) that it tore me up, I could not cope with what she had told me and I cried my heart out for days, I felt sorry for her, i felt anger and every other emotion I could imagine, including guilt for being upset.. I was a real mess for a long while after hearing what had happenend to her...
You should let her know that you are there for her, should she need it and you'll be happy to hang back should she feel crowded, basically, you need to let her know everything will be fine, don't smother her with love, but let her know she is cared for, make sure she knows you have needs too. No one likes a door mat, no one likes someone cold. Just be yourself, enjoy eachothers company and make her feel like she's your everything.
Women have to put up with so muchs sh!t from guys that it can put them off us.. You are obviously a decent guy, with a heart, otherwise you wouldn't have posted on here, so have a little patience, be yourself and spoil her once in a while.
everyone wants to be wanted, only a few need to be needed!
AndyMagic
A
reader, anonymous, writes (5 February 2008): No matter whether you think you have one ornot, I would strongly advise you to go get tested.
...............................
A
male
reader, flyboy275 +, writes (5 February 2008):
flyboy275 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionDo not worry sir, i am 21 and she is 20....you are definately not contributing to the delinquency of a minor...
I find it hard to give her the boot when i love her so much. In so many other situations, we agree.....im pretty sure she does not have and STD because sadly, if she had....i would have contracted it by now......
I just hate that i love her so much and that she is being so ignorant
...............................
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (4 February 2008): I normally do not respond to posts on here....for one, though I would like to and want to give advice to someone who asks....I have a problem giving advice to people younger than 18 years old....I feel I'm contributing to the delinquincy of a minor if I give advice. But I have to respond to you, though you will not like my advice.
YOU need to dump this young lady from your life. YOU need to STOP having sex with her, no matter how attractive or nice looking or how good a friend she is, YOU need to stop having sexual relations with her. Her 'ignorance' can cost you big time! When you wake up with HIV/AIDS, would you think wonder what to do? No your frustration would be too late. There are a bunch of people in this world who are ignorant.....I have 3 male friends who are in their 40's and have contracted a veneral disease through "oral" sex. They all stated to me that they were unaware this was possible. My outlook on these men immediately declined, because I thought they were all smarter than that. Do not fall for this foolishness. You are smarter than she is, so protect yourself by leaving her alone.
...............................
A
male
reader, flyboy275 +, writes (4 February 2008):
flyboy275 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for all of your replies......it makes me feel like there still are SMART people out there......I just cannot fathom her state of mind and her justification of these actions......She said she DID not want a baby, and we have discussed that if she did ever get pregnant, that we would have an abortion because we are both in college and dont need to deal with that situation. She has been on the pill before on 2 occasions, but that never was a factor on whether she cared about condoms......I guess it is up to me to be the smart one, I am just so taken back by her stubborness
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (4 February 2008): well if she continues to not accept your point then you should seriously consider whether you can carry on being with her. Maybe that will give her the shock she needs.
...............................
A
female
reader, just-ask-xx  +, writes (4 February 2008):
 Ok, to your last post:
Even if she doesn't listen to her doctor, she should at least acknoweldge you. Tell her how it makes you feel and tell her in her response to 'Well I didn't!' that doesn't mean it's impossible the next time, yeah she was lucky but she might not be lucky the next time, or the time after that!
And I don't really think she's infertile but maybe ask her to see a doctor about it maybe and while she's there, ask for a STD test.
Hope this helps some!
Take care x
...............................
A
female
reader, just-ask-xx +, writes (4 February 2008):
Ok, so she has a system?
When I have sex with guys it's one word: condom. Even though I'm on the pill! But hey! I'm only 19 and kind of not ready for a baby and I'm not running the risk.
I mean, it's not just pregnancy to worry about...HIV, AIDS etc.
But you and your gf is a different matter, why not tell her about the risks, force her to watch a pregnancy tape...something, anything!
I know this isn't very good but I've never heard of a girl not wanting her partner to wear a condom!
Take care x
...............................
A
male
reader, flyboy275 +, writes (4 February 2008):
flyboy275 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI have tried talking to her, but she shrugs my pleas off and attributes them to a simple "difference of opinion"
She has even said that she didn't care what doctors say, because her system worked for her!
Every time i try and explain to her that she had a great chance of getting pregnant, she responds with "well i didn't!"
I find it astronomically surprising that she did not end up pregnant more often, could she be infertile? Could it be hard to get her pregnant?
thanks for the responses, i just needed to talk to some people about this
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (4 February 2008): Number one her method is ridiculous. One abortion is enough, how many is it going to take before she realises??
and secondly BIG SHOUT OUT TO
STI AND STDS AND AIDS PEOPLE!!!!!!!!!!!!
you both seriously need to get tested
no joke
xxxx
...............................
A
female
reader, Serinity +, writes (4 February 2008):
 Her "system" is based on the possibility of getting pregnant but what about STD's? It is still possible to get pregnant with her "system" but chances are more likely of getting HIV or AIDS!!!
...............................
A
female
reader, korculan queen  +, writes (4 February 2008):
Hi mate I am a domestic violence worker and in my experience promiscuity in a woman comes down to three things: 1 childhood sexual abuse, 2low self esteem, 3she just loves sex. Ok so on the first part if a girl is subjected to power and control at an early age it makes her more susceptible to succumbing to further unwanted sexual advances because she has been pre programmed for abuse. 2Low self esteem comes from the first instance plus whether she has lived with domestic violence in her childhood or relationships. 3 She may just enjoy sex immensely or she may have been programmed at an early age to be submissive and to wrongly think that she has the power through sex. The method of contraception she is talking about is the Billings Method. I used the Billings Method during my marriage and I found that I was at my horniest when I was in my fertile period. You also have unresolved issues with your history with the pregnancy scare. You say you love her but you don't want to get her pregnant. This is admirable but I wonder then whether you love sex with her or the idea of being in love with her. Pregnancy used to be the reason for sex. Now it has become a reason to get off. I am not condemning you but praising you for your pro active response with condoms.I do suggest you get tested as I would suggest to her to get tested for stds. You have to put her past behind her but acknowledge it pro actively and positively through talking with her and finding out what her history was in her childhood in a non condemning way to better understand the lifestyle choices she has made in her past. Good luck mate.
...............................
A
female
reader, rockelle +, writes (4 February 2008):
 Well to be honest with you, I agree that her actions were careless and stupid. Needless to say that birthcontrol/contraceptive methods are personal decisions. I think that you should express to her your disagreement with her method b/c there are far worst things that can result from unprotected sex other than pregnancy. It is her body and you cannot change the past but you also can not force your beliefs onto someone else whether you are right or wrong. You just keep on protecting yourself and be very safe dealing with this girl.
...............................
A
female
reader, birdynumnums  +, writes (4 February 2008):
 I am so very glad that you have had the great sense to use a condom. At this point, I would be asking her to have a very HUGE blood panel done to find out if she is affected by any STI's that could affect you.
What can I tell you? There were girl's that I knew 30 years ago that did this, and my 22 year old daughter has friends that are exactly the same. It's a kind of magical thinking isn't it? The sad fact is that this could be affecting her future fertility as well, and I have a family member who is childless because of HPV.
I'd try to sit her down in front of 25 taped episodes of "Sex Talk with Sue Johansen" or any other show about sex and discuss the different issues with her to see how far this magical thinking is imbedded, or if she is open to new ideas. Try to get her up to speed, it might not work, but you would be doing her and any future partners of hers a big favor.
...............................
|
