A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:So almost 24 and have never dated or been approached or even remotely shown interest in by any guy. And that's fine. I've never really been into the idea of relationships and never felt like I needed to be in one to be happy. I'm very content in my own company. I even thought for awhile that I was asexual because I just never had a desire to find that "someone."But now I find out through a coworker, I'll call Sally, that this quiet, shy, 28 year old guy at our work, I'll call him Jack, (who I've temporarily worked alongside, not WITH, but in the same area) wanted to get to know me better and thought about asking me out to dinner or a movie. I've barely talked to him at all about anything. And have only had minimal work-related, small interactions with him. And though I've thought he was nice, and a decent guy; always polite and usually smiling when he talks, I do know that he's known for having a bit of a temper and shortage of patience. Jack tends to work by himself and moves at his own speed, so gets flustered when people are sent to work with him in his area and they don't do things correctly or don't move fast enough to keep up with him. I've only worked with him in his specific area once and I was warned beforehand by a supervisor to not let Jack get to me if he snaps at me or makes me feel like I'm doing a bad job and to just come get them if he acted up in any way because the day before an older guy complained about how Jack was treating him for not doing things right/fast enough and another coworker who witnessed the interaction complained to HR too. So Jack got a talking to. This warning ended up making me a bit scared to work in the area, but I did it, and I kept up and things honestly went well and nothing happened. I noticed one single moment where I could see agitation on Jack's face from something not quite going right that he was trying to fix, but that was the worst I saw. He kept his cool and everything went smoothly. And all interactions between us since have been nothing but positive and normal. Now the day Sally told me he was interested in me, she asked me to go to lunch and movie with her the next day and I said sure. Then just as we were about to go home for the day, she came up to me and said Jack wanted to join us for lunch but it was up to me. So I agreed and said it was fine if he came along.So yesterday was the day, and we went to lunch at 11am and instead of going to a movie afterwards, we decided to go bowling. And from there it just turned into a massive hangout day for the 3 of us, going to a mall and some small stores, then seeing a movie, then going to dinner until 9pm, then hanging out at my house playing a card game Jack had bought at the mall. Eventually they left a little after midnight. Like it was a LONG but very fun day. I've never been as relaxed hanging out all day with new people as I was yesterday. Usually I try so hard to come off as casual and normal as possible but instead I was just myself yesterday. I wasn't as self-conscious about my actions or what I was saying. And I THINK Jack showed some signs of interest. There was no exchanging of phone numbers or anything really romantic, but he did offer me his sweatshirt a few times when things got windy, though I politely refused since I was really okay, he let me control the music in the car the whole time we were out and we actually kinda connected a bit through that as we found songs that we both really liked, and he purposely left his card game with me at my house. (Perhaps an excuse to come back?) During this hangout, among our conversations and the carpooling from place to place, Jack showed a bit of impatience while driving and mentioned having a bit of road rage occasionally (which I do too), and mentioned knowing that he's had moments of losing patience. Like he's aware of these issues. And I did notice a few bits of agitation when Sally commented a few times on his driving like trying to tell him directions and things like "are you okay? Do you need me to drive?" when it was night time and he wasn't driving perfectly straight, (slightly drifted over the right hand line just a bit). But I know from experience that MOST people don't like getting negative comments on their driving. Like, it's a hot-button issue for lots of people. Basically, I know this temper problem would be a massive red flag to most people, but like, I see where he's coming from because we all have things that drive us a bit crazy and make us lose our cool. And there's even people with anger issues that seek help but I imagine they still find love. My question is, am I wrong to just easily brush aside these red flags? Am I too caught up in the excitement of a possible first time relationship to think rationally or is it possible to date someone with temper problems and/or who display red flag personality traits? I do think he's nice and deserves a chance at getting to know him more, especially since we did have some things in common and seemed to get along pretty well, but I don't know if I'm entering dangerous territory. My best friend said I should wait for a one on one date (if it happens) to see how things go and how I feel afterwards.I don't know if my own feelings are valid because like I said, this whole experience is so new to me and I don't know if I'm just blinded by the excitement or if I really should give him a chance if he asks me on a date.Any advice?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (30 April 2018): You are entering dangerous territory.
Avoid.
A
male
reader, N91  +, writes (30 April 2018):
 I have to agree, keep an eye.
If he’s willing to lose his temper with people where he could lose his job, then I’d be worried about how mad he could get in his personal time when there’s no one watching.
I’d try and find out more info or do a background check. I think it is a shame to dismiss people entirely from what you’ve heard of their reputation. But I think anger problems definitely aren’t something to be taken lightly. Do your research and maybe give it a trial run and see if you notice any blowups for yourself. If you do hightail it out of there and don’t look back. It does sound like you’re making excuses for him already though. Don’t be one of those people.
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A
female
reader, fishdish +, writes (30 April 2018):
 I think I would keep a major eye on it. In general, my feeling is if you have a tendency to explode at work, where there are more social/professional constraints, and those constraints don't induce you to follow social norms, boundaries and exercise self-control, then it's going to be worse in a social setting where there are even less rules, or a relationship setting where rules are often compromised, modified, and determined by the two in the relationship. I could see you making a lot of excuses for him for a lot longer than you should. You're already doing it. I think if you see one full explosion for yourself, and it's as unreasonable and disproportionate as your colleagues have indicated, you should move on. If you don't know the details of his work dramas, maybe ask the person who reported him, if that's not too intrusive.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (29 April 2018):
 I absolutely agree with Code Warrior.
DO NOT ignore red flags. We notice those for a reason. They are WARNING signs.
Now I get that you might be a little "thirsty" to go on a date, but that doesn't mean you should be stupid about this.
He is ABUSIVE to people he works with, HAD to be told off by someone else to not do that.
He has a temper and can't even handle driving in traffic that annoys him... SO what do you think will happen the MOMENT you annoy him? Road rage is not normal. Sure we can all get some WTF moments towards other drivers but that kind of anger... It's not healthy.
I also agree that MANY abusive men, knows how to pick inexperienced, previously abused, etc. TARGETS for their partners.
And sure there are people with anger issue who seek help. And many of them who dates. It still doesn't mean they make GOOD partners!
DO not become a statistic.
If you someone how have come to a point where you think dating is something you want to do, then BE smart about it. That would include NOT ignoring red flags and NOT dating coworkers.
He sounds like a guy I'd tell ANY woman to avoid.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (29 April 2018): Hi. This is the OP. Thanks for the advice so far. I do want to mention a few things. What I meant about the driving was he was already in the right lane, just drifted towards the shoulder a bit because he was trying to navigate around traffic and figure out where to go and was using Google maps in his phone. No drinking whatsoever. We were together all day and he only drank water the whole time.As for severing ties with people, I think I'm capable. I've severed a 9+ year friendship with someone I thought was my best friend when I realized she was manipulative and a bully to others. I've also blocked someone online too who was becoming too clingy and he even blew up at me through another site but I haven't looked back since. I don't appreciate being mistreated so I will back off from someone if I feel that's what's happening. The only difference in this situation is we work at the same company. And I was even considering full-time employment in the department he happens to work in because it was a good fit for me and I got along with everyone there. But currently I'm back in my original department so I don't see him really. I guess in my head it just bothers me to completely shut out my very first opportunity due to "what if's?" When it could be a good experience. Especially when I haven't necessarily seen anything that I myself haven't done. I get road rage, I easily get angry at stupid little things for no reason, I get flustered and lose my cool. I actually showed my frustration once when a coworker wouldn't slow down and I couldn't keep up and things weren't going right and with that anger building I tried to open a step ladder and I couldn't get it open and I snapped and told her "how do I open this f**king thing?!" Like she saw that anger. I apologized to her after and told her I was flustered and wasn't angry AT her and she understood. The difference between me and him though is I'm a tiny 5ft girl and he's like a 6ft tall, skinny guy. So that's intimidating. Me showing my anger isn't going to be as scary/threatening as it would if he did. That would be the only huge concern of mine.Also, I'm not like head over heels for him or crushing on him. I just think he's a fairly nice guy and worth giving a chance too. It's just the new experience that I'm excited by. But I would definitely be extra careful in my future interactions with him. But also he barely knew anything about me before showing interest so I don't think he'd be targeting me as someone he thinks he could push around but I don't know for sure. I just don't get that vibe from him.
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A
female
reader, Greene +, writes (29 April 2018):
Hi -- I wish you well in this situation!One detail jumped out at me: "drift into the right hand lane a little." That's sort of a big deal, right? It sounds like he was drinking? It seems OK for another driver to comment if he's crossing into another lane. I wasn't there so I don't know how bad/good (or drunk/sober) of a driver he was, but perhaps ask yourself: if this were not Jack, but someone you have less curiosity about, and he/she was driving like this, would you think it was a problem and worth mentioning?If you say yes when you think about this type of driving objectively, then it sounds like you're already making exceptions for him because you'd like a boyfriend!It's natural to want a boyfriend or to feel drawn to someone who might be offering a relationship as a possibility; that's OK! But I'd say for your FIRST boyfriend, you're increasing your chances of pain (emotional pain) if you pair up with him. If deep down you've always really wanted something and you've never had it, when you get it, you might be more of a puppy to the giver than you'd normally be. You might be too soft.That's OK -- we all need a first boyfriend/girlfriend! But it sounds like you're setting yourself up for an extra dose of difficulty if you do it with someone who has a track record of saying hurtful or rude things to people.Of course, the obvious: you also don't have much boy/girl-relationship experience to guide and protect you when his already documented bad sides come up.So while it of course is perfectly OK to give people who have problems a chance, to test things out, I think you're opening yourself up to a real possibility of being mistreated, unless you are very shrewd.Are you shrewd?? Can you easily dump someone after you've bonded with him but he still calls you names?In the worst case--and not unlikely--scenario, this could turn into a situation that sets you back a lot -- where you're vulnerable (because you enjoy and are thrilled, understandably, by becoming close to someone emotionally and physically) and you let someone mistreat you. Unless you're a "cool cucumber" who can sever ties easily and you have an ultra-strong back bone... Don't do it. Just wait a few more months for a nice guy who will hug you and not yell at you over little things. :)Addendum: Don't feel bad if you don't meet many men right now who want to date seriously. Many don't! Many are just looking for casual sex! (Tinder, etc.) But there are also nice guys and you can get one. You have a lot of time. Just take a look at the facts and figures of where/how you meet people (through friends? at bars? at events? at work?) and see if it seems likely that you'll meet relationship-minded people that way. (It sounds like no, since you say this Jack has been your first option.) If it's no, then start brainstorming about ways that will increase your odds in ways that are self-respecting and interesting to you!GOOD LUCK!!!
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