A
female
age
,
anonymous
writes:A couple of years ago my husband and I went on holiday and took his child from a previous relationship with us. During the holiday my husband did absolutely nothing with the child and I ended up doing everything for him so it was no holiday for me. This year the child has broken his arm and I am very wary about the child coming with us as I have a great fear that I am going to be left doing everything again and with an injured unhappy child. I have explained to my husband that I was not happy at being left to look after him last time and do not want an ocurrence of this again and if he is not well in reality I do not want him to come as it is going to be an awful lot of work as the child will not be able to play, swim etc and he is a very active almost hyperactive child. My husband said he was ill last time - although he failed to tell me this at the time and that things will be different. Having watched the situation I firmly believe I am going to be left doing all the work again. I can tell my husband thinks I am being nasty but I think if the child is not well they would be better off at home. I feel the mother will push for him to come with us as she wants a break but I really don't want this as this is my holiday too. Am I being really unfair here?
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female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (15 May 2011):
 Good for you,op, and this was exactly what I meant : you don't have to " punish " the child for something that 's not his fault, you just have to make your husband get off his lazy butt :)
A
female
reader, angelDlite +, writes (15 May 2011):
 good for you! :) you're husband needs to learn that your role as a step mother does not involve running round like a skivvy for his child while he chills out. i hope you all have a great holiday
x
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (14 May 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThak you all for your very varied respones. I was told today that the child's arm has mended well and he will be well enough to go on holiday. My husband has his child every other weekend and for long periods during the school holidays but does not tend to take him abroad. I have explained to my husband that I have no problem with his child coming with us but this year I will not be looking after him 24/7 and that ultimately he is my husband's responsibility. Last time I fed him, washed him, clothed him, amused him etc etc and this year it is not happening as I want to lie in the sun and read my book. The child is exceptionally active and requires constant supervision as he is unable to amuse himself or sit quietly. My husband said that he would look after him and this year if he slopes off for a sleep I shall wake him up. This child receives an awful lot of attention from both his mother and his father and is not hard done by at all it is just that after last year I am not putting up with any of the nonsense again.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (12 May 2011):
My response was based on a few factors. First, that the boy lives with his mother full time and his father, your husband, has visitation so it's not as though he would be abandoned at home.
I'm also assuming you're not planning a trip to Disney World or some other obvious child friendly destination and chattering about it in front of him.
And since you haven't described any other troubles with his son, I'm going to assume you get on well with him and that you are as good a step mum as you can be, but that you just want a vacation that doesn't leave you with all the work and none of the fun and relaxation.
Based on that my original answer stands. No, you are not being unfair or unreasonable.
It is understandable that his mother would want a break. Parents need that every now and then. And I'm not buying for an instant that your husband was ill during the last holiday. If he were you'd have heard all about it at the time. And if he hints or outright accuses you of being nasty then he is trying to guilt you into not speaking up for yourself.
Yes, marrying someone with children requires some sacrifices. It does NOT require you to let your partner kick back and relax while you're left with all the work.
Instead of telling your husband his son can't come, tell him he and his son should go and enjoy some father-son time and you plan your own vacation with the girls. It may not be perfect but I think it beats being a slave on your own holiday.
And in response to the uncle who married a woman with two children: you may be more a parent than their biological father is but not more than their mother is. She, presumably, isn't leaving you with all the heavy lifting. It's give and take. Something that isn't happening in the OP's situation. And the OP is not thwarting her husband’s access to his son. She simply wants a holiday in which she is not being used as a work horse. So no, I don't have any questions.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (11 May 2011): ****You're talking about a vacation, not expressing resentment that this child exists. ****
Tell that to the child when you are explaining why she has to stay home.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (11 May 2011): To the female anon. I am a man married to a woman with two kids. I am more of a father to these kids then their biological father.
Neither of them have even seen their father in years.
It would not be so if I was always negotiating the terms of engagement and enforcing boundaries.
Any questions?
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A
female
reader, CindyCares +, writes (11 May 2011):
I am a woman,but I think too she needs to " suck it up ".
That's precisely the reason why I always shunned like the plague men with kids. I know I don't have the patience and generosity to deal with other people's kids.
But you married a man with a child, and, you could expect there were going to be times when you'd have to spend time all together, even if not totally fun or convenient for you.
You can't marry a man with a dog and then decide that after all you are not a dog person and this summer Fluffy should be kenneled ,not to spoil your vacation.
Set the ground rules with your husband first, decide how are you gonna share the care for this child and when, who's going to cook how many meals, who's going to wash his clothes,who's going to take him to the beach or to the movies or play games with him etc.,work out turns if necessary , and stick firmly to the schedule. The idea is not letting your husband to be lazy and and complacent about the status quo, NOT of preventing him from spending a holiday with his son.
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A
male
reader, the_phoenic +, writes (11 May 2011):
just a thought,
why dont you delay your travelling untill the child is cured and then you can all travel together and have fun
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (11 May 2011): Note that the male responses, in varying degrees of diplomacy, are all pretty much telling you to suck it up for the sake of the child and completely ignore your own needs.You're talking about a vacation, not expressing resentment that this child exists. The whole point of having a vacation is to relax and enjoy yourself and having 100% of the parental responsibility dumped in your lap, for someone else's child no less, is NOT relaxing and enjoying yourself. I've seen too many women get duped into going on holiday only to find themselves in the same predicament - doing all the work.Be honest with your husband. Using his son's health, or ill health as the case may be, will only invite debate and breed suspicion. He'll come up with a 1000 reasons why a vacation would be good for him and you'll be fuming that he isn't getting the point. And he isn't because you aren't getting to it.There is nothing wrong with setting some limits for yourself. Marrying a man who has a child does NOT mean raising that child for him.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (11 May 2011): When the mother is a bit weary, are these questions she gets to ask herself . When a vacation is imminent,
does the mother get to split hairs and ponder semantics?
No ......she takes the child when no one else wants the burden of being a parent.
If he has a child that makes him a parent. If you are dating him, that makes you a woman dating a man who is a parent.
Are there any more questions?
Is this clear or do you still want to pour over the fine print to see if being a parent allows you to abandon a child occasionally?
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (11 May 2011): Yes you are wrong. Adults need to suck it up for the sake of the child or quit having children.
Once you have a child it is about them not you.
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female
reader, Tisha-1  +, writes (11 May 2011):
 Could you please help us understand the situation a bit better?
How much time does your husband spend with this child?
How much time do you spend with the child?
How many holidays have you had with the child? And how long is the average holiday?
How would you characterize your relationship with the child?
Do you and your husband have children of your own? Do you have children from a previous relationship?
Thanks!
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female
reader, angelDlite +, writes (11 May 2011):
i wonder why your husband wants his child to come along if he did not bother to do anything with him last time?? its a shame for the child if he doesn't get to come, its not his fault that mum and dad have split up and that his dad can't be bothered to do anything with him and that his mum wants a break and that he's broken his arm. it will make him feel bad probably if he misses out on the holiday too. how old is he? have you got children yourself? seriously, experiences like this in our childhoods can have really negative effects that can last a lifetime.
make it clear to your husband that you were very annoyed on the last holiday and that you will be expecting 100% from him this time instead of sitting on his arse while you look after and entertain his kid
x
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A
male
reader, CaringGuy +, writes (10 May 2011):
A small amount of me wanted to agree with the post below by Dear Mandy - but I re-read your post and sadly came to another conclusion.
I actually think this sounds like a bit of a tragedy. There are three adults here - you, your husband and his ex. And it seems like none of you are out to put the child's welfare first. You want a break, so you want the child to be with its mother. She wants a break, so she wants him to be with his father. He wants a break, so will palm the child off with you. No one seems interested in the child!
Now, at this point I agree with you that you should be allowed time together. I also have to say that you are not the child's mother and shouldn't have to do any significant childcare.
But, well, facts have to be faced here. You are married to a man with a child - basically you have to accept the child whether ill or not. That's a commitment you made. As the child's father, your husband has to look after his child - ill or not (perhaps even more so when ill). Also remember that your husband will probably have specific times to see the child. This holiday is time that he legally is not entitled to get back. That'a a big deal.
I understand Dead Mandy's point of view. But if you stick your feet in the ground, one of two things will happen:
1 - You'll wind up losing and your husband will choose the child anyway.
2 - As the child grows up it will become aware that no one seems to give a damn and it will start to resent that. And children have a very good way of causing a lot of trouble.
So, if it is that the child is to come on holiday - take it gracefully and don't lift a finger. Make your husband do everything with the child. Then book another holiday.
I just wish you three adults could do what's right for the child, and not what's right for a holiday.
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A
female
reader, Dear Mandy +, writes (10 May 2011):
 Hi
I feel you are right to be wary, This should be a carefree holiday, after all a holiday is about relaxing. If the child is unwell, then his mother should NOT want him to travel anyway. You need to be strong about this, and tell your husband that you would like it to be just you two this time. Sometimes you need that time alone together, and if his ex partner see's this she may be pushng to see if she can tarnish your plans!! This time I WOULD NOT give in, I would say when you come back have his child over for the weekend, and bring him back a nice gift!!
I hope this has helped
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