A
male
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:Am I wrong not to buy my wife another vibrator?A few years ago I bought my wife a vibrator to spice things up in the bedroom. She was a bit hesitant at first but after a while she would regularly use it to finish herself off. As the months went by, she began to use it a lot to masturbate on her own and tried to hide that fact from me. Some days she would use it a few times. She denied that she used it on her own and eventually admitted that she used it on a very odd occasion. I became very insecure about the whole situation and it also had a big impact on our sex life, i.e., we had sex a lot less.Eventually, the vibrator stopped functioning and the last few times we had sex, my wife mentioned that she would much prefer to be able to finish off with a vibrator rather than have me trying for a long time to bring her to orgasm.I've explained my feelings to her and she seems to accept them. Deep down, we both know she'd much prefer to have another one. Am I wrong or unfair in not buying her a new one?
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (17 June 2012): I know how the guy feels! I too am in a position where my wife and I are having problems with this issue. My wife was 35 and I was 23 when we started dating. She had never been married and didnt want to have sex until she did get married. Shortly after we started dating she wanted to start having sex. After a few conversations I agreed. She wanted sex all the time. The "any place, any where, any way" type. We got married three months later. ALL THE SEX STOPPED! She said that the only reason she did it was because she was horny. What get married and no longer horny? She loves to masterbate and does it on a very regular bases meaning several times a day. We have been married for 20 years and I am fed up with the lying and the lack of sex. The only time she wants to have sex is when she knows I am pissed about the whole thing. She insist she doesnt do it behind my back. However, I have caught her several times and being an investigator I have gotten my self video proof that she is lying to me. Her excuse is that it is happening in her sleep.
A
female
reader, MimiDeLuxe  +, writes (21 May 2012):
 You could get a vibrator to use during sex. The bullet vibrator suggested above is a good idea, but there are also a range of couples vibrators she can wear during sex, which will help her orgasm.
Take a look at We-Vibe 3 and Lelo Tiani. Both of these come with a remote vibrator so you or her could control it and the Tiani is fairly flexible so she could use it on its own, but hopefully she'll enjoy it so much during sex she won't want to!
I own a sex toy shop...so feel free to ask about other couples sex toys.
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A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (20 May 2012):
 I'm also wondering why your wife needs you to buy her one. Why isn't she just buying one for herself?
Many women are being taught to not masturbate, and to feel ashamed if they do. Using a toy to "finish off" is no different from masturbating. Her hiding it is a sign that she doesn't feel comfortable about her sexuality and she feels she can not be open about it. She is being shameful of enjoying sex and enjoying an orgasm. And this will definitely have a negative impact on your sex life. The toy itself is not the cause of any decline in the sex. The cause lies elsewhere, maybe it is coincidental. It could be hormones, as she is closing in on menopause. It could also be stress, or other factors that makes masturbation a better alternative for her, other than sex. But whether she has a toy or not: if your wife prefers to masturbate over having sex then she will masturbate over having sex, with or without a toy. It's not like women can't use their hands, or other things...
Let her buy her own vibrator. But talk to her about your sex life, and your concerns. Leave the toy out, I am willing to bet that this is not related to the toy itself. The toy (and it's supposed effect) is in all likelihood just a symptom of something else.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (20 May 2012): OP here. Thanks for the replies and the stright talking. Much appreciated even if it makes uncomfortable reading for me.
I don't think I explained myself properly. I have no issue with her using it during sex or to finish herself off. We both enjoy it when she does, and she likes to watch me watching her.
My issue is that if she had another one, she would use it herself on a very regular basis and our sex life would diminish greatly. That's what happened last time. I tried to get her to talk about it but I just got denials mostly, although I knew for certain that she was using it a lot.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (20 May 2012):
 Curious - does your wife need your permission / your money to buy herself a vibrator ? why can't she just up and go get herself a new one ?.
Ok, I get it, you don't like her to use a vibrator during your lovemaking sessions, and you don't like her to finish off by herself because it makes you feel inadequate and insecure ( ...and her sexual gratification is not important if it's not all about you you you :)- you have explained your feelings to her and she seems to accept them.
So, I guess that if your wife is patient and understanding, you could agree upon not using her vibrator when you two have sex, or using it only very occasionally.
But, what do you want, also to control her personal use of the vibrator, i.e. her masturbations times,tools and techniques ? Do you want to tell her : You are only allowed to masturbate once a week, and twice on your birthday and Xmas day ? Sessions not exceeding 10 minutes each... ?
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A
female
reader, person12345  +, writes (20 May 2012):
 I'm guessing you are mostly insecure about the fact that she was lying/hiding her vibrator use from you, rather than the fact that has a vibrator period. I tend to disagree with most of the aunts on here about personal masturbation habits in that I don't think they are totally divorced from a couple's sexuality together. If her masturbation habits are bothering you, for any reason, it's a problem. The same if yours were bothering her.
My guess is that she has never been able to have easy orgasms before and the vibrator was pretty life-changing. It can be tricky for many women to get used to the fact that now they can orgasm whenever they want without developing tendonitis to get there. Try to remember when you were a teenager and your hormones were going nuts.
I think what needs to happen now is that you two try to find a balance between vibrator use during sex and during masturbation. Because simply removing the vibrator could possibly turn her off sex entirely.
Even if you can bring her to orgasm during sex, I'm guessing it takes a pretty long time since it does for most women. As AuntyEm said, vibrators just sort of level the playing field during sex and allow women to orgasm as easily and quickly as men generally can. Definitely don't take that as a reflection on your sex skills because frankly, for a lot of women penetration doesn't feel like much of anything. They make several vibrators specifically designed to be used during sex, even some that are meant to increase sensation for both people. You can try out the disposable kind they sell at drugstores if you're curious about that type.
For her own personal masturbation, she should pick out her own. But you should definitely speak up that it really hurts you when she lies about it or when she chooses to masturbate instead of having sex. Just try not to sound judgmental about the vibrator part. She may have been masturbating/hiding it more because she felt ashamed of using it in front of you during sex. So you definitely want to try to make her feel more comfortable about that with you.
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A
female
reader, AuntyEm +, writes (20 May 2012):
 This really made me smile!!!
God bless whoever invented the vibrator, for all the inequalities women face in society, vibrators have been a major payoff...MAJOR!!! They work so well and that's why women love them but they cannot provide loving arms and a warm body to snuggle up to...
I think the bullet suggestion is a great idea, see this as an opportunity to experiment so you can both really spice things up!!!
and Tisha is right...you are NOT the gatekeeper of her sexual desires...but you can be her comrade...you just need to know how best to enjoy eachother.
Good luck
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A
male
reader, Hugh.J +, writes (20 May 2012):
 Why don't you (or she) buy a little bullet vibrator that she can use on her clit whilst you are "in action"? It has been stated many times on here that very few women climax due to penetration alone and that is NOT a reflection on your abilities but a cruelty of nature.
Let her stimulate herself; a bullet won't get in your way and you could be amazed by the result!
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (20 May 2012):
 Why wouldn't you want your wife to experience pleasure, however she gets there?
She's in charge of her own sexuality, you are not the gatekeeper or owner of that part of herself, just as she is not the gatekeeper or owner of your body.
Lighten up. Life is short and your insecurities seem to me to be what is shortchanging your sex life. Try to relax, let her do her own thing and appreciate each other in and out of bed.
I think you are wrong. Let her pick out her own vibrator.
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (20 May 2012):
 why do you have to buy it for her... let her go find her own!
I get what she is saying... it's hard work to make a woman orgasm. She is being considerate of you!
it's not a replacement for you, rather it augments what you two have.
by all means let her go pick a new one. I don't understand why buying it is your responsibility.
bottom line is she should have one if she wants it.
it's NOT a reflection on you.
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A
female
reader, Starlights +, writes (20 May 2012):
 Buy her a new one I say!
A vibrator is helping her to climax quicker there is nothing wrong in it; you may feel insecure about the vibrator but thats really something you need to solve why is it you feel inadequate by a sex toy.
Its not your wife's fault she's gotten used to the vibrator and lied to you because she knew how you'd react and take it so personally when its just a means to an end.
See a vibrator as enhancing sex life not taking from it.
Ultimately you want to see your wife happy and she wants to see you happy.
Goodluck!
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