A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:This is a very complicated situation that has been around for many years. It is a long story but I will keep it as short as possible. Please, I really need advice so badly with this before it ruins my life even more.My father was an extremely violent abusive alcoholic and my mother was a cheat and slept around. In the end I got palmed off on an aunt after my parents split - neither of my parents actually had a role in bringing me up. My aunt gave me a good life making sure I had the best of everything, however, she was extremely controlling. I was not allowed to have friends, play, or even speak to my own parents at some times or other members of my family. I was not allowed to even have my own bedroom, she moved my bed into her room so she can see me all the time. When I was 17 I ran away from home to a different country. I now live in country where I have no family or even real friends, no boyfriend - I am all alone. I have had a really hard life here since 17 all on my own trying to survive but I manage to and I have done so all on my own - with no help from my family or anyone.I never used to dislike my family when I was younger, but lately as I have grown older I have run out of patience. They call me all the time (father, aunt, mother) and I find that I can not even stand to speak to them now. I do not know why - it could be so many reasons, they all hate each other, none of them speak to each other so in the beginning it used to be to complain or make me take sides. It could be that they are extremely extremely extremely smothering and behave as though I am still 5yrs old. It could be that they are selfish and so consumed with their own existance (as always) It could be that they turn to me for some sort of moral support and it feels alot of times I am the parent. It could be that I just cant stand them anymore. I mean, it could be alot of things.But the point is, everytime I see their name flash up on my phone - it already puts me in a bad mood. Everytime I speak to them, I leave feeling in a bad mood. I have spoken to them hundreds of times, even cried, telling them to change the things I dont like - ie the complaining, smothering, treating me like I am 5yrs, telling me their problems etc etc. But now I feel I do not even want to speak to them. They are not very educated and quite backward, so I feel sometimes our communications are on different levels. I have grown to have this dislike for them and alot of times I feel I do not even want them in my life. Nowadays my conversations with them are bad - I am evil, I say horrible things that I feel regret for after - even though I know I can not control it. And I am God-fearing so I am worried I am being a bad person but I can not control it.I just do not know what to do anymore or even how I feel. I have spoken to different counsellers for many years but it has solved nothing. These people I suppose are not allowed to give you opinions or suggestions - they remain nuetral. So I come here looking for opinions and suggestions.My head is messed up- I just feel I want to be left alone. Seriously, if none of them ever called me again I do not feel that would be a bad thing. Nowadays, all they even have to say is "hey how are you" and I will fly off the handle. This is NOT who I am. At all. But I feel things are so bad now - too many things, and it is irrepairable. IF I say to them I want nothing to do with them anymore and to leave me alone, it will break their hearts. And then when I am older who knows I may regret. But I dont know...even though I have love for them and wish them the best, I just feel I do not want them or can not cope with having them in my life.
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female
reader, SillyB  +, writes (10 November 2010):
 I have a very abusive father and a very narsisitic mother who is very controlling and negative.
I heard nothing but criticism and abuse during my life. At 17 I ran away and did not talk to them for 3 years. They finally showed up at my door wanting me to help them with their problems.
I was in touch with my father for 3 years until he sent me horrific emails and smashed my laptop on the floor. I was then in contact with my mother for four years until she threw me out of her home (I was there for a visit) at midnight (I ended up staying at with all my luggage in a hotel full of drunks and prostitutes).
I finally decided to cut them out. They are horrible and negative people. I cannot have them in my life.
At 28 I have no contact with them. Not even on my birthday or theirs. I feel much saner that way.
I don't think you are doing the wrong thing. Negative abusive people are difficult to handle. Just figure out what you can tolerate and draw some boundaries.
A
female
reader, Viv Acious +, writes (9 November 2010):
Hello. I have to say that you really do have my sympathy.
They say you can't choose your family and you know what?You don't have to like them, if you don't want to. I had a friend, who was a Christian, who would say to me: "I love that man with the heart of Christ, but he really is a complete pain in the ass." You can see someone as a child of God AND see them as a flawed human. Resentment and frustration with people who have injured you or repressed you does not make you bad. I would say it was perfectly natural.
You have really had a grim time. You really have.
Not only did they not take proper care of you as a kid, they are now acting like demented, squabbling children - each one desperate to get you onto their warring side. I am amazed you have actually had anything to do with any of then, at all. But, it is now time to stand your ground and put YOUR boot right up their backsides. NO...you are not going to take it anymore and why should you? YOU matter.
I think Dirtball's advise is good. You are going to have to train them to act in a way that suits you. You can do it or, you know what, you are going to have to just cut them out of your life....because YOU matter too! Remember that.
I wish you lots of love and all the best.xx
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A
male
reader, dirtball +, writes (9 November 2010):
 Well, since you mentioned "god-fearing" I'll lay out this nugget. The commandment reads "honor thy mother and father." It doesn't say anything about liking them or talking to them. Please don't feel guilty from a religious perspective for your thoughts and feelings toward your family. If anyone would understand why you feel the way you do, it's god.
What you're feeling is normal, natural, and nothing to be ashamed of. It is true that if you cut all ties you may regret it later so that may not be the course of action to take. I know it doesn't deal with the problem directly, but what if you ignore them? Call them back on your terms, when you're ready. You don't have to always be in the middle of their crap. You ran away to get out of that.
Really, you have a couple of options. You can keep going like you are, but that will lead to more regrets and unhappiness. You can ignore them and hope they get the point. You can address the problem. What I think you should do is some mix of ignoring them and addressing the problem. Tell them that you want to keep in touch, but only if that doesn't involve having you pick sides or having them do nothing but complain about stuff. Then, if they start doing that, you hang up the phone. That way, you dictate the topic of discussion. You can gauge if they are just telling you about what's happening, or smothering you and cut it off. Take that control into your hands. I think this may help you maintain contact without the things you don't want. The hardest part will be actually hanging up that phone when they inevitably cross the line.
So, to sum up my advice. Tell them what you won't tolerate anymore when they contact you. If they do that stuff, hang up. If they call back, reinforce that you will not be dealing with such topics and if they wish to continue the conversation, then they need to keep the topic on something else.
It may seem harsh but sometimes you need to set black and white rules, especially with people who don't understand anything else. The biggest key is to stick to your guns. Don't let them sway your resolve. Once that control is back in your hands, you may find the relief you seek.
Whatever happens, I hope you can find some level of happiness. It is very hard when your family hurts you. My heart goes out to you.
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