A
female
age
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anonymous
writes:Im a 49 year old divorcee and have a boyfriend. We get on well and my 22 year-old daughter also accepts him. My daughter never has a boyfriend until recently she starts asking a boy at work out for a drink. She said they are just friends he is not sexually attracted to her. However she likes to bring him home after work. I dont like the idea they are alone together in the house while I am out. I ask her to meet up with him at pub but not using our house. My daughter is not happy with it. Am I wrong to ban her bring a boy mate home? Please advise.
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male
reader, Honest Answer  +, writes (16 December 2009):
 I will take your side on this one. It's your house and she must obey your rules. To me, age is not important. If she wants to play house, she needs to move out. At 22 she should be well on her way.
Jeff
A
female
reader, Not My Name +, writes (16 December 2009):
 U seriously would rather her be hanging out in a bar with the potential to drink and have alcohol cloud her judgement than choose her actions contientiously and sober in her home?
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (16 December 2009): I think you are being overly controlling. What is it you have a problem with exactly? Do you not like her bringing any friends home, or is it just men you object to? She must feel very isolated if she is not allowerd to socialise with people she gets on with in her own home! I am sure you have friends round, and you have your boyfriend - what is the difference for her?
If this male friend of hers is just a friend, what is the problem? Would you rather she was miserable and lonely? Going out to socialise gets very expensive, and maybe she wants to be a bit more relaxed with her friend?
She is a 22 year old woman. You say she hasnt had a boyfriend before? Maybe she is scared to have one, fearing how you will react? If you wont even have male platonic friends in the house, how would you react if she wanted to bring a boyfriend home! Not let him past the doorstep?????
She is not a teenager any more, she is entitled to her own life and her own friends. All you are helping to do is isolate her, and her confidence will be wrecked. If she does not feel able to invite friends OR boyfriends home, no relationship she has will ever develop to a more deeper level.
As someone who has been in this situation - it makes you very lonely and depressed. I am now 27 and have never had a proper boyfriend because of my mothers attitude towards me having friends and boyfriends. I was too scared of he wrath to push for what I wanted. My confidence was totally crushed - no one wanted to hang about with me, because I would never reciprocate and invite them back to mine. They gave up on me. Now, I lack the confidence because I dont know HOW to invite people back. If you have any feelings at all for your daughter, treat her as you would wish to be treated, as an adult, as a grown woman.
If you object to her having friends so much, then help her to move out so she has her own space. If you can afford to help her. If not, then you are going to have to learn to be more accomodating, because you really are not being fair.
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female
reader, eyeswideopen +, writes (16 December 2009):
 I think it may be time for the little birdie to fly from the nest. Perhaps you can help her with that. She's a big girl, Mom.
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A
female
reader, Angzw  +, writes (16 December 2009):
It sounds like tou are worried she is having sex in your house and letting her bring boys means you are enabling it? Let her bring boys to the house but tell her she cannot have sex in your house. But the reality is that at 22 she is probably doing it so I would have a talk with her about birth control too. As a mother myself I can understand your worry about appearing to encourage promiscuous behaviour but as mothers we have a new generation of porno kids who will do things we never dreamt of so the only way is to try prevent unwanted pregnancies and STI so have the talk.
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A
male
reader, Anadin  +, writes (16 December 2009):
 my other half is 22, still lives at home, like you her mother openly objects to the idea of her daughter bringing boys home, dating or anything like that, she feels that 22 she should be out partying innocently just making friends.her mum sticks her nose in everyones business, especially my other half, which she really resents, the more her mum tries to pry into my lady's business the more bitter the confrontational arguments when the three "mum stop snooping's" are issued. i think its best to let her be herself as she is an adult and as such will repsect your wishes, the more you try to enforce your rules on her, the more she will hate it and want to run away from you. in this way you become your own worst enemy by becomming to invasive even though your intentions are good.
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A
female
reader, riddlemethis  +, writes (16 December 2009):
 I am a mother of two girls ages 10 and 13. I am not at the stage in parenting that you are and so I am not sure how i would react to my daughters being in relationships... however, there are a couple of things that stand out here to me that may be part of the reason you are feeling confused.
How close are you with your daughter? You say your 22 year old has never had a boyfriend before but this is uncommon. Are you aware of her level of experience and maturity in dealing with men and relationships? Perhaps it is time you talk to her about these things.
If she has little experience, then it may be fair for you to feel protective, but you have to realize that she may not want your protection as technically she is an adult now.
Perhaps you are uncomfortable with your daughter 'getting it on' in your home.... which I can completely understand. What I would say here is... that when people are responsible enough to have sex and be involved in serious relationships they should also be responsible enough to have a career and their own place and not be living at home. This would tell me that if something were to happen, like pregnancy, she would be in a place to assume responsibility for her own adult actions instead of living under your care, getting pregnant and then needing you to continue taking care of her and her situation.
I think it would be wise for you to have a very frank conversation with your daughter about men, sex and life responsibility. I always tell my girls that with freedom comes responsibility. If your daughter wants the freedom that comes with being an adult she should be ready for the responsibility as well.
I am not saying that she should be forced to move out on her own. I am saying that she needs to accept that as long as she lives with her parents, there are certain things that are not acceptable. It is fair to assume that if she is 22 and bringing her boyfriend whom is attracted to her and who she is attracted to home after drinks that they may have sex. If this makes you uncomfortable it is for a reason.
On the other hand, it is very important for your daughter to date and learn about relationships. It is an important part of her development. She needs to figure things out just like you did, like I did, like everyone did. She will make her mistakes and it is your job as a parent to be there for her and make sure she doesn't bite off more than she can chew. There is a fine line here between giving her freedom and pulling on the reins.
You just have to figure out why you are feeling conflicted. Do you feel that you have a good balance between giving her freedom and looking out for her? Do you think she is responsible enough to have a baby? Is she using protection?
For me, a big issue would be responsibility. It may be confusing you because she is still at home and so boundary issues are crossed. She wants the freedom that comes with being an adult yet she is still home under your supervision which is what we do with children.
I hope that helps.
Talk to your daughter.
:)
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A
male
reader, Beingblack +, writes (16 December 2009):
 Yes you are immensely wrong!
Your daughter is 22 years old, not 12. She has her own mind, and can make her own decisions about any aspect of her life.
You don't like the idea of her being alone in the house with him? Why on earth not? Is she not a responsible adult? Will she burn the house down while making a cup of tea.? Is the boy likely to 'take advantage'? Steal the silver? Hmmm. DON'T YOU TRUST HER?
Force her out of YOUR house, and she might well end up at HIS after work. Then, because she has little experience (so we think), it becomes more awkward.
You brought her up according to your own values, so trust her to live up to them.
Life is all about growing up, making mistakes and learning from them. Let her live her life, and don't stifle her.
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female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (16 December 2009):
 Well, it is your house, your rules, but I have to say that at age 22, your job of protecting her honor should be over. Is she an adult? Did you do a good job raising her? Does your own behavior match the standards you set for her? Or is this a case of "do as I say, not as I do"?
I think she's ready to start making her own decisions, personally. Perhaps you should encourage her to find her own place, so you aren't troubled by what is (or isn't) happening in your absence.
Good luck.
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A
female
reader, k_c100 +, writes (16 December 2009):
 Well I am 22 so hopefully I will be able to give you a perspective similar to that of your daughter's.
I would be horrified if, aged 22 (which is well into adulthood), my mum wouldnt let me be alone in a house with my boyfriend! So I would say, yes you are wrong for being so strict with her, she is not a child any more!
I understand it is your house so obviously there have to be some rules and she should respect you and your home. And aged 22 she should really have moved out, I moved out 4 years ago when I went to uni! But I'm sure she has her reasons for living with you still. But even so, she is an adult and she is entitled to do what she wants without her mother sticking her nose in her business - you cannot tell her what to do anymore I'm afraid. You can have your opinions and she should listen to you, but you cannot control her behavior anymore.
Are you unhappy with the idea she might be having sex? Or is it the idea she might be having sex in your house? If they are just friends (dont you believe what your daughter says? Do you not trust her?) then what is the problem?
I have been bringing male friends and boyfriends home to my parents house (before I moved out and when I return to visit) since the age of 15/16 when I had my first boyfriend. My mum never had an issue with me being alone in the house with them, in fact she preferred that while she was away, then there were a couple of people looking after the house so its not empty! She told me she doesnt like me having sex in the house (its her house so of course I follow that rule) but she is more than happy for me to have boyfriends or friends round to the house.
In my opinion you are treating your adult daughter like a teenager, you are being overly strict and controlling when there is no good reason to be.
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A
male
reader, CaringGuy +, writes (16 December 2009):
Well, your daughter is 22, so you need to let her have some freedom or she will just stay silent and do it anyway without you knowing. It is your house, so you can set the rules and she should at least have respect for that. But please remember that she is 22, and is an adult. I would say to her that you would prefer if she did't bring him home, and if she does you will have to charge more rent or something like that because it's your house. But remember she needs to be able to make her own mistakes, and lead her own life or she will be less likely to listen to you in the future.
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