A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I've been married for almost 11years. At the 3-4yr mark I found out my wife had an affair with one of our older friends son. He is about a year younger than us, we were around 19-20 and he was 17-18, he was in college. Okay so when I found out, I was shocked, I knew we had a rough start, but at the time our relationship was perfect and things were great.I decided to forgive and forget. She told me to ask anything I wanted to, but if i ever tried to throw it in her face, it would be over between us and I agreed that it was something I would not hold on to and bring it up. We had moved away for almost 9 years and then when we moved back, she asked if it was okay for her to be friends with that family again. I said okay. Well, I ended up leaving town on business for 3 months and when I returned she had started to spend a lot of time with the family and my kids played with his kids and all of her friends grandkids. I told her that I was not okay with her being close friends with this man, but her friend and the kids were cool. she blew up. It turned into I didn't trust her and for almost 10years she thought she was blessed to have a great guy who had forgave her for a terrible act she commited and the pass years of our marriage didn't mean anything to me if I still needed assurance that she wouldn't cheat. she went on and on about me not throwing it in her face. So i said if it easier for her and the kids, I would walk away. Then after I told her I wanted it things to work for us and it wasn't a trust issue and i wasn't throwing it in her face,she said if i said I would walk way, then in time i will walk a way. Am i wrong for not wanting her to be friends with this guy? Do you think it is a trust issue? Now she is not sure if she wants to risk puttin her whole heart in our relationship if I don't trust her and may one day throw it in her face or walk away. what should i think about that? Why would she put me in this situation?
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (1 February 2011): No, you are not wrong.
"she blew up"
She is way out of line, and she knows it.
I've been through this, my wife never wants to see the other man again, anywhere, because she has so much remorse about what she did (she had a lot of mental stuff going on and I forgave her and we moved on with life). As much as I love my wife, if she wasn't like this, and wanted to have any sort of relationship with the other man, I'd move on with my life without her being as involved other than child care arrangements. Why? Because, it's insulting. Also because it teaches the children that this kind of thing is somehow OK to do to their spouse and I don't want my kids to grow up and ever do this to anyone, I'd far rather they be the victim than to be the bad guy or bad gal in this type of incident.
Frankly, spouses, and I do mean women as well a men, shit on their spouses/marriage/family when they do these things, and the "other man or other woman" shits on them as well.
So, to go back into any type of relationship is to somehow define that shitting on someone as being OK at some level as long as everyone forgives.
Forgiving is good. Forgetting is stupid.
A
male
reader, CaringGuy  +, writes (1 February 2011):
It is 100% unacceptable that she has acted this way.
Just because you don't want your cheating wife to speak to the man she cheated with doesn't mean you don't trust get overall. It means that with that one man, you can't trust her. And there is a difference.
Her whole reaction stinks of guilt, all the way. She knows this is wrong, but rather than admit it and deal with the problem, she's throwing it in your face.
Straight up, she still has a thing for this guy. Her whole reaction shows it. Personally, I'd pull the rug from under her and get it over and done with. You've got a bad wife here. She's thrown it all in your face, not the other way around.
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A
female
reader, Br1dgette +, writes (1 February 2011):
She was the one who cheated. Just like everyone else said.
If she cares about you she will not be close friends with this guy. Maybe she wants you to walk away. After 11 years of being with you she should know you well enough to know what is and isn't ok.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (1 February 2011): She holds a torch for this guy. Trust me, I'm a woman and from what you said it seems like she still has something for him. She is willing to break up a 11 year marriage just to be friends with some guy? A guy whom she cheated with in the past? No way. Its a lot more than that.
If it was a genuine mistake, then she wouldn't have even dreamt of talking to him again, or even being in the same room with him out of respect for you. But she cultivates a friendship and then casts YOUR feelings and insecurities (which she caused in the first place by cheating) aside for a friendship.
Seriously, I would consider this carefully if I were you.
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A
male
reader, Kilcardy +, writes (1 February 2011):
She cheats, and you're the bad guy? I don't think so. She's doing this because apparently she's hardly ever wrong. And, when she is wrong, you're not allowed to really say anything about it. You are not wrong wanting her away from this guy. Wifey may actually have a thing for this guy (still) and is hoping you walk away. Lots to sort out here. Good luck.
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A
male
reader, Capri2  +, writes (1 February 2011):
You wife is supposed to love you. Now, does a person who loves you hurt you on purpose?
I mean, she cheated on you with a guy and you forgiven her, now she wants to be in touch with him again. She do know you will be hurt with that.
In my own personal opinion she doesn't love you. Quite simple.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (1 February 2011): She told me to ask anything I wanted to, but if i ever tried to throw it in her face, it would be over between us ***
When a person cheats they don't get to define the rules of engagement. That is her way of assuaging guilt and still being in control of you and this situation.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (1 February 2011): Of course it's a trust issue, you trusted her not to have anything to do with this guy anymore.
He's the guy she cheated on you with for god's sake.
It's not about you trusting nothing will ever happen again, even if nothing ever did she has decided to start becoming close to him again.
It wasn't you that threw this in her face she's the one throwing it into your face. This is not good, not good at all.
She's asking you to trust her and not throw this back in her face but she's the one who has reintroduced this problem back into your lives.
No you're not wrong to feel this way, she wants her cake and eat it too. What's worse then is she is trying to throw this back at you, she's trying to turn it around and make it look like you're the one in the wrong and what's worse is she's using the threat of not continuing the relationship to try and make you comply. That's fucking insane! This is the guy she cheated on you with and she expects you to be okay with that?
She has reintroduced the whole topic of her cheating back into your relationship and she expects you to just "get over it?" and even has made up some bullshit that if you're threatening to leave now that you'll do it eventually? Sounds to me like she's trying to force you to leave. That actually sounds to me like she wants to move on but wants to make you leave so you look like the bad guy.
This is so wrong and she's effectively chosen him over you. The two most important conditions that are necessary if a couple is to survive cheating is that the person who cheated 1. never has contact with the person they cheated with again and 2. they never allow themselves to get into the position/situation emotionally or physically where it can happen again.
Both those conditions are vital for trust, if either of those conditions are broken then the trust is broken.
You need to reconsider this whole thing because frankly she's not a fool and she knew from the start of creating a new bond with this guy that it would be a problem yet she went and did it anyway. To me she has already broken your trust and it even seems like she doesn't care because instead of talking it out she becomes defensive so she;s trying to protect her new relationship with him to the point where she's willing to break up with you over it. Make no mistake that's what it is, her excuse of you might leave her eventually if you're threatening to do it now and she can't fully commit to you because of that is a load of bollocks and you know it.
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