A
female
age
41-50,
*ichelle74
writes:I have been with the man I'm with now for 2 years and our relationship is ready to crumble. I have a daughter with my ex that I was with for 12 years and my current man can not handle our friend relationship. It hurts me deeply that he can't see that I only want happiness for my daughter. I had told him that it makes me happy when her father comes by and that I like to see them together because of the look on her face and of how happy it makes her. He got extremely hurt and asked me not to talk to him about it ever. It hurts me because I feel like he doesn't want to hear about me being happy for my daughter and if I can't share that with him then what else is there since to me my children are everything. Please help! He tells me I am wrong am I? I don't feel that way at all. HELP!
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reader, anonymous, writes (16 September 2009): Your child's having a relationship with his daughter should be important. You are lucky he hasn't just disappeared like some men do.
Your husband feels insecure and threatened. If he too has a close relationship, you should praise him for it. Taking on a step-daughter does not always go smoothly. Show your husband your appreciation and give him credit if credit is due.
A
female
reader, michelle74 +, writes (8 September 2009):
michelle74 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you so much for all of your advice it is greatly appreciated. There is so much more to this situation and it is just tearing me apart inside. I did think that it is jealousy and I always try to reassure him that I only love him and that the thing with my daughter and her dad makes me happy in a way that I guess he just doesn't understand. It just hurts me that I can't share that with him since family has always been important to me because I never had my father around when I was a child. I really do love this man and tell him so all the time. I really hope that he can let go of his insecurities and let us be happy. We fight about this thing all the time. He has told me that I should care more about him being in my daughters life than her father and I just don't see it that way. I think I should be able to think that he and my ex being in her life are equally important. He says he doesn't believe that I am in love with my ex still and he doesn't think that I want him(myex)so then I have to ask what is the problem? Why is it that me making it important for my daughter to have her dad a bad thing to this man and why does it hurt him so much?
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reader, anonymous, writes (8 September 2009): Not at at all, it takes a man to show an interest in his offspring's life/lives. There's lot that don't, but there's also good men in the world too.
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reader, anonymous, writes (8 September 2009): Yes, it makes absolute sense that you should have a decent (but not close) relationship with your x for your daughter's sake only.
But hell's bells, aren't you expecting a lot from your husband? No man would want to sit and listen to the "gah gah" of his relationship with him. It makes him feel insecure. Keep your mouth shut to him. If you want to tell someone, call your mother, friend, or sister.
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A
male
reader, bouncer  +, writes (8 September 2009):
Ofcourse you are not wrong. Your first priority must be to your daughter. It is very important that your daughter continues to have a happy relationship with her father. Your partner sounds very immature and VERY SELFISH.
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A
male
reader, softtouchmale2003 +, writes (8 September 2009):
 You have an interesting situation here. Your man is in an emotional war with your daughter over your heart.
He sees your ex showing up, and you're happy to see your daughter bond with her father. But your man sees this as a threat.
Basically, you have a massive trust issue going on here.
You need to sit down with your guy and explain to him that he means a lot to you, and you value him greatly. However, you are still responsible for the emotional well-being of your daughter, and, the girl's father has a right to visit with and be a part of his daughter's life.
That doesn't mean you can't love your daughter and your new man at the same time.
All he has to do is get rid of the jealousy and understand that you only want what's best for your daughter, but it has nothing to do with your love life.
If he can accept this, then pay a little extra attention to him, and reward him for that. It doesn't take much but he still has to understand that you're happy when you're daughter's happy. Just like you're happy when your man's happy.
If he still can't get with this program, maybe he needs counseling or the two of you need some kind of couples' therapy to get him to accept this.
The only other issue I see besides his insecurity problems, is some sort of anger issue simmering below. He may be using this as an excuse because there's something else deep down that's bothering him that he hasn't told you about, or you haven't discovered yet.
If he's capable of loving you, then maybe he's capable of dealing with these issues.
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A
male
reader, baddogbj  +, writes (8 September 2009):
 No, you are not wrong, he is insecure. He needs to pull himself together.
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