A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I met this man almost five years ago. At the time I was 20 and in between relationships. We went on a couple dates and agreed to keep it "low key and simple". Then I met someone that I wanted a relationship with and cut it off with him. That relationship did not work so after a chance run in with each other, we started talking again. We have a connection that is unbelievable, to the point where people can see it between us. We have so much in common, enjoy the same things, want the same future. Our dates are perfect, it's like we go to this place where it is only us. Recently we have started traveling together and continuing our rendezvous. When we are together, I see such a future with this man. But he is 15 years older than me. He is a successful doctor, well educated, funny, handsome, the perfect package. Except that he doesn't seem to want to settle down. We never talk on the phone, we only text to set up the next time that we will meet. He says that he wants to "try" marriage one day, but he's already 42 and hasn't tried, let alone lived with a woman in his life. He has had affairs, admitted to not being faithful, and told me that he believes what one doesn't know can't hurt them. I do not believe that. But I do believe that he is better than that and that he can be the perfect man. I have continued dating but I compare every other man I meet to him, and he is the only man I ever think of. I just want him to give us a chance, but I believe he just views me as a "good time". Am I not good enough? Am I just wasting my time hoping he'll change? When I don't hear from him it hurts....
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reader, anonymous, writes (25 September 2012): "I do not believe that. But I do believe that he is better than that and that he can be the perfect man."
That's the most deluded thing I've seen on this site in weeks OP.
You don't believe a 42 year old doctor who you've known on and off for 5 years when he tells you that he's not the settling down type and that he can't remain faithful? Really?
I'd believe him OP because he's told you exactly what the deal is.
You believe he's "better" than who he is?
OP he's been nice enough to clearly outline to you exactly what to expect, which is nothing more than what you have.
You're wasting your time OP, we guys don't tell you girls that kind of gory, unappealing side to us unless we mean it.
We don't tell a woman, that we can see a future with, that what a person doesn't know can't hurt them after admitting to being a cheater OP. We admit that kind of thing to our good time girls, our FWB's or our one night stands.
Why would he put such an absolute huge deal breaker for most women and risk making you paranoid and not trust him by admitting that to you if he had any intention of settling down with you? He's a 42 year old doctor OP, he's not an idiot, nor is he inexperienced.
You need to walk away OP, you're making a horrible casual lay, fuck buddies don't talk about feelings for each other or ask to "give us a chance" they drink a few beers, have a few laughs, open their legs and keep us warm at night, rinse; repeat. Or they can be our disposable girlfriends that do all the things girlfriends do then get disposed when they start that "let's take it to the next level" crap.
But sure who knows, maybe the universe will implode in on itself and movies like Twilight and Pretty Woman will be the way romance actually works in real life.
But 5 years OP, what hope is there that he'll change? It was casual then, it's casual now you literally have no hope. Is he a glittering in the sun, mopy, brooding, vegetarian vampire that came to your high school?
Time to wake up OP, you're living in a fantasy of hopes and dreams and ignoring the harsh cold reality of this guy being exactly as he says he is and treating you exactly relative to how much he wants you.
A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (25 September 2012):
 He doesn't want to be your perfect man. He wants to be his own definition of a perfect man. And he's doing just that. He's perfectly happy with the way things are and the way he is. He's set up his perfect life and is busily and happily living it. You are merely a player in his perfect life.
No one will be good enough to sway him from his plan. You are indeed wasting your time.
Walk away now before you get too emotionally hooked on him; the mourning period isn't fun but all you need is some time and distance from him and you'll be fine in a short period of time.
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (25 September 2012):
 you must love someone where they are... if you are not happy with what you currently have, then you can't accept it.
to be honest I totally agree with CindyCares...
you can't wait for him to become what you need and want.
he's been honest with you so it's not his fault at this point if you sit around some more saying "he will become what I want and need"
you are just a FWB to this man.
yes men his age who have not settled down do sometimes find someone... a male friend of mine just got married at age 52 for the first time.... he just had not met the right woman before.. BUT from the second he knew he's been hopelessly devoted to her... nightly long skype calls... total weekend visits 3 out of 4 weekends... she likes one weekend to herself... and yet both trust and know what's going on 24/7 in their lives.
my partner is 39... we met when he was 36.... now we are getting married next weekend... he had never had a serious relationship before me...
if you are asking me what I think about this situation, I do not think it's going to become what you want and need....
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A
male
reader, Serpico +, writes (25 September 2012):
I have lost count on how many times I have told people (esp women, for whatever reason), that there is one certainty in life besides death and taxes - its people dont change. People are who they are. They can put on a mask for a while and hide it, but at the end of the day, they will go back to who they are. The Florence Nightingale syndrome will lead you to heartache. You will NOT change anyone, and if anything the less desireable qualities will exacerbate over time as they get more comfortable in the relationship.
If there are significant things about your sig other that you cannot accept, you must move on. They will not change, and you will not be able to change them.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (24 September 2012): If nothing has changed in all this time....it's probably safe to say it never will. They guy has already admitted that he lies, cheats, and doesn't plan on settling down anytime soon AND if he does end up getting serious about a woman one day, it's probably going to be someone who isn't all that into him---he is going to be far more into her than she is into him. If you want more, if you find yourself developing feelings for him, it's time to LEAVE him and this relationship. Don't waste another moment of your precious young life with this guy.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (24 September 2012):
 Hoping he will change is a sweet thought but not at all realistic. No more then for pigs to fly, I'm sorry to say.
The whole " I want to "try" marriage one day" is a line to make you think there is hope. No one "tries" marriage they do and succeed or they do and fail. If his idea of marriage is something to "try" he isn't taking it serious, at all.
Honey, find someone who wants the same things as you.
Also, if you could drop this guy at the drop of a hat for another guy, I honestly don't think you really love him. You might have found him fascinating, interesting, sexy and whatnot, but I don't think love.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (24 September 2012): He has told you his tendency to cheat,not settle down, have affairs, he has given you the lowdown.
This man makes an appointment via text to see you.Its an arrangement that suits him,he wants nothing more.
There is nothing 'wrong' with you, he is the way he is with women. He is not nor never will be relationship material for you. Dont be his plaything any longer.
Your good enough for plenty of men so go forth and find one.But start as you mean to go on be a girlfriend not a plaything for anyone.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (24 September 2012):
 Yes, I think you are wasting your time. 4 or 5 years and nothing has changed... if anything could have changed, I guess it would have happened already. This guy found his groove, he likes it the way it is with you, if it ain't broke don't fix it.
I also doubt that he will really change , for you or for another woman. Single at 42,inevitably a bit set in his ways, used to freedom and independence , unfaithful and promiscuous. He should be really, totally head over heels to change this lifestyle that obviously works for him, and if he has not fallen in love with you so far....
Also, you paint a pretty picture of what is basically an FWB. Surely, a refined , civilized FWB. An FWB -cum- travel, an FWB- cum- conversation and shared intellectual pursuits, but , let's face it : you don't talk betweeen appointments. He has not made you part of his life , his schedule, his friendships, his family. He just give you
text appointments : " Monday at 7 " - and he could be very well giving similar appointments to several other women. I don't doubt that you spend wonderful moments together, but a string of wonderful moments is just that, nothing more and nothing less.
Are you not good enough ? I bet you are plenty good for any number of guys, but , apparently, you are not in your doctor's eyes. Why ? Because he sees you as " good fun ".
Good fun is welcome, appreciated, even cherished- but no, it's not as good as wife / permanent companion material. I think that if he had seen you as such, he would not have involved in a "low key " rendezvous only situation to begin with- so , the deck was rigged from the start .
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (24 September 2012): There's a say that goes like this "you can't bend an old tree" unless he, himself, is ready to change and settle down with you.
Start slowly, start a conversation but in a funny way. Don't be so serious because guys tend to be scared by a 'marriage talk'. Communication is the best. Everything that you need to know you will know if only you ask him. I can't tell by his reaction what he thinks.
Good luck girlfriend
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A
female
reader, lmao1989  +, writes (24 September 2012):
 You say he's cheated... been unfaithful and feels what they don't know can't hurt them.
Maybe he is this perfect guy because he has been doing this for so long and he charms woman into things leading him to have affairs and being unfaithful. This is probably why he's never lived with a woman why would he when he can charm women into believing he is Mr. Perfect he needs somewhere to take them.
I know you see so much of a future with him but how many women haven't?
You should tread carefully with him i mean he doesn't seem to be an honest guy he believes what they don't know will not hurt them, he could be doing the same thing with you.
Please be careful and really think about this before you set your heart on it.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (24 September 2012): in my opnion, ask him clearly about this....if he answers posetively then you may continue with him.....but he dont take it sereiously leave him....
beleive me its hard but not impossible. thik about your future.
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