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age
36-40,
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writes: My sister in law and best friend was previously married to her high school sweetheart, but she had given him an ultimatum before he proposed and he asked for a divorce eighteen months later. No one liked him, friends or family, the unanimous agreement was that he wasn't good enough for her and this fact was not unknown to her, but she was set on making it work. Soon after the divorce was final she began dating an attorney that she worked for who is eleven years older than her and they are nearing their three year anniversary. The problem is that history is repeating itself, we all STRONGLY detest him and because of past experience no one has made this fact painfully obvious, but she is not blind enough to be unaware of our feelings. He's a liar, a manipulator, he's ungrateful, secretive, evasive, temperamental, uncooperative and, frankly, creepy. This is his first and only relationship that has lasted longer than three months and I think it's mostly because after the divorce she had to prove to herself that she could make a relationship work and so she ignored the natural points at which it should have ended and several attempts by him to end it. I have an entire laundry list of reasons why no one likes him and it's growing weekly.I have no question that she loves him though I don't understand why and I have no reason to believe that he doesn't love her, but that doesn't make a relationship with a man like him work. Yesterday they went to a jewelry store for another reason and ended up picking out a ring, they didn't buy it and I suspect that this is another one of the most recent incidents of him dangling the carrot infront of her to keep her happy for another six months. The problem is that if it isn't there is an agreement amongst her family and closest friends that if he does propose we will stage an intervention, but with the prospect looming closer and knowing that it will only be a waste of breath that will push her farther away I'm questioning the legitimacy of this idea. So my question is do we sit back and let her make a second mistake and suffer the consequences of it because she's an adult and won't listen to us, or do we put it out all out on the table and hope for the best while preparing for the worst?
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anniversary, best friend, divorce, liar, sister in law Reply to this Question
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reader, anonymous, writes (25 September 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank (some of you) for your enlightening answers. I had a suspicion about what the consensus would be and it is nice to have that affirmed. Thank you Candid Cally especially for your insight, I have definitely witnessed this kind of reward/punishment behavior and I needed your advice. There is literally no one that I can discuss this with in my life because it is either none of their business or they already dislike him.
From this moment forward I will definitely apply the positive advice that I got to my relationship with my friend and if and when the topic of an intervention comes up I will now be discussing it from a different point of view.
For the rest of you and the question about what makes this my business and the tone of my question, she makes it my business. I see my sister in law everyday, I love her, I care about her, I want her to be happy and though she may know my feelings about him she knows this too and she confides in me. If I sounded nasty it is because I feel nasty, I have had to tolerate him and his b.s. for three years and sometimes I cannot muster kind words for him. Also I love the assertion that we are somehow attempting to run her life when none of us have ever interfered in her actions or decisions. If any of you had read my question closely you would have known both of these things.
Please take a lesson from Cally, Read-the-Signs, Honeypie and my anonymous readers book and don't take someone else question and situation personally in the future or your time and words will be wasted again.
A
female
reader, Candid Cally  +, writes (24 September 2012):
My best friend was in some twisted 'friends with benefits' type relationship with an older man who used her for sex when he knew she thought they were in a relationship. He would lie to mutual friends and say she was insane and that they had nothing together. I overheard conversations between them while she was driving and I was in the passenger seat and he seemed to care about her...but this was only when it was convienent for him.
The thing about creepy, manipulative, powerful men is they can easily overpower a young, optimistic, woman who has low self-worth. The more naive a woman is, the harder she will fall for the man. By controlling the amount of affection he bestows upon her, he can easily manipulate her to do whatever he wants and question nothing. Essentially, he will show her love and affection in return for behaving the way he wants her to.
An intervention is useless. If you have one, you will all lose her to him. She will tell him about it, and he will demand that she break off contact from all of you who planned this event because she shouldn't talk to friends and family who want to poison their relationship.
If you truly care about her, meet with her privately and approach her tactfully. Ask her how she is doing. Ask her how she feels about her relationship. If things seem dodgy but she wants to try and make things work, tell her how you feel about him and that you are concerned. Then offer to be there for her in the future if things don't work out. She needs to know that people other than the men in her life will support her if she needs help.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (24 September 2012):
 Honey, she needs make her own mistakes and learn from them. IF she loves the dude and want it to work, you need to butt out and support her. (doesn't mean you have to like him, but cut her some slack).
Obviously she is the kind of person who HAS to bang her head on a brick wall to know it will hurt.
Her life... focus on your own. Be her friend, be there for her if she needs you. You CAN NOT live her life FOR her. Not should you.
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A
female
reader, Read-the-signs  +, writes (24 September 2012):
Understand that she is undoubtedly harbouring feelings of failure and rejection from her first marriage. She is in a vulnerable position. The relationship doesn't sound great but you need to approach any concerns with great tact and gentleness rather than a confrontational approach.
I see you want to help her but indeed, you could easily appear to be meddling in her life. Ultimately she is entitled to make up her own mind.
If you must say something, your approach is absolutely critical. Gently gently!
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A
female
reader, Aunty BimBim  +, writes (24 September 2012):
 How is any of this your business? what makes you think you know her and her emotions better than she does?
The tone of your question is quite nasty, I suggest you sort out your self before you try to sort out any body else.
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A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (24 September 2012):
 I think that you and this girl's other "friends" and family should consider taking up hobbies..... You (all) need something to divert you from trying to run this girl's life.....
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (24 September 2012): I have been in the same situation,i know how the people in the background feel.It is hard to convince the loving heart of a girl.If your family keep being an obstacle, she will turn against them.She has to feel the pain of being hardheaded,make her own mistakes and pay the consequences.I know it is hard where family cares too much,if you do not want to be blame 30 years later, let her decide her own fate today.
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