A
male
age
51-59,
*omewhere86
writes:Hi,I would be grateful of objective view of my situation. I have been with my partner for 4 years. We are in our early 40s. My partner sees ex's of hers on a fairly regular basis. There are 5 that I know about. She has mostly male friends. I don't have a particular problem with contact with ex's who were important relationships but I do have negative feelings about continued contact with mere involvements, flings or one night stands. Also, over the last year, and perhaps because I have voiced my opinion, she has ceased to tell me anything about who she is seeing. She has admitted to 'being economical with the truth' because in her eyes it's she says she is not doing anything wrong. Also she will see guys and not let me know she will be out until mignight or or sometimes a lot later. I work long hours - about 14 or 15 a day including driving to and from work so I don't have alot of time in the eveing. If we can eat something together and have a little time before I crash out, in the week, then I'm lucky. But she will stay out without letting me know.Because she is now being economical with the truth about who she is seeing when I am at work I am starting to feel resentful. I pay all the bills. She doesn't work but she does complain and is not happy with the place we live which is, I admit, too small.In short - she feels there is nothing wrong in her behaviour and I feel she is disrespecting our relationship by actively not telling, or omitting, the truth. We have had a few difficult talks about this and I have stated that I want the chance to respond and to express that I'm not happy but she says that she would rather not tell me who she is seeing and when because she feels I will not be happy. I have started to feel my feelings for her falling away because of this. Tonight it is gone midnight and she didn't let me know she was out for the evening. For the first time in over a year she, when I called her on the phone at 10pm she told me that she was in the pub with her ex. This ex is someone with whoom she was still sleeping with after we first got together. They had sex on a casual basis even though their relationship had ended over a year before and we had a big arguement 4 years ago about this as I felt so let down when our relationship was becoming serious. she had just told her family about me at this point which I took as an indication that we were serious.I would be grateful of your thoughts.
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reader, anonymous, writes (30 October 2010): You are not being unreasonable; she appears to be using you. She is a pleasure-seeker and from what you say, she doesn't seem to bring much to the relationship. Her dishonesty and disrespect should be enough to make you end this relationship. What's in it for you?
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reader, somewhere86 +, writes (1 July 2010):
somewhere86 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionJust a quick update.
My partner didn't return home until 1.30am as she called in at another bar to see a couple more friends on the way home. She woke me asking if I wanted something to eat. She was hungry as she had been drinking since the late afternoon. I have to be up for work at 5.30am every day.
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male
reader, lerokiya  +, writes (1 July 2010):
I don't think you're being unreasonable. You have a right to know where your Partner is, esp with an EX! my exwife secretly talked with her Ex and it was wrong and we argued over it. i stood my ground. we are no longer together but i realize now that she had an emotional affair with her Ex, along with her cheating partner, who she's now with. in my opinion, your partner is rationalizing her relationships with her Exs' trying to ease her guilt by twisting this into something innocent. If it's innocent, she would consider your feelings, not just her. Don't be a Doormat and stand your ground. What else will be next? that she will be sleeping with them and call it "physical therapy for her Exes?" Good luck
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