A
female
age
51-59,
*iao
writes:My husband and I have been married for 10 years. My 83 year old mom moved in with us about 6 months ago. My husband hates my mom. He only bids her the time of day and doesn't say anything else to her. This is very uncomfortable for me and my mom as it creates a horrible atmosphere in the home.My husband treats me well but doesn't like the idea that my mom is living with us. We currently live in a 1 bedroom apt. but I have been looking for a 2 bedroom apt. to accomodate my mom. Maybe moving into a 2 bedroom apt. will alleviate the problem. I am an only child, therefore I have no siblings to assist with my mom.My husband hates my mom because he thinks that my mom is too dependent on me. She is scared of doing things on her own. She won't even leave the apt. to take a walk around the block. The only time she goes out is when I take her. He feels that she is intruding on our marriage and he needs his space.Sometimes I think about leaving the marriage as the way he treats my mom really hurts me. I don't think he's being fair to my mom.Am I being too sensitive towards my mom's needs and too hard on my husband, or am I being reasonable about the entire situation? Please advise. Thx.
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female
reader, Ciao +, writes (3 January 2011):
Ciao is verified as being by the original poster of the questionEveryone, thanks for the feedback - really appreciated.
CaringGuy: I admit that my mom is way too dependent on me. I will work on the situation as I don't want to end my marriage.
Anonymous: You made very valid points. Last week I inquired into signing her up with a senior citizen activity center. Of course she already mentioned that she doesn't want to attend the activities alone. I will work on swaying her. I believe this will be the solution.
Cindycares: Mom is very self sufficient and does everything for herself at home. She craves companionship and attention all the time. She always wants to go out but won't even go to the park around the corner by herself.
Mjfbla: Agreed that mom needs to become more independent. A compromise will need to be reached.
A
female
reader, Ciao +, writes (3 January 2011):
Ciao is verified as being by the original poster of the question
Thanks to all who responded - I really appreciate the feedback. A third party's opinion always helps in resolving the situation.
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A
male
reader, CaringGuy  +, writes (3 January 2011):
I'm afraid I'm more inclined to believe that you're being hard on your husband. If he's right and she's not leaving the apartment unless you go with her and she's not doing things by herself, then there are issues here and she is too dependent. Also, you're all cramped into this little 1 bed apartment, and it must be too crowded. How on earth are you and your husband supposed to have a decent marriage and love life in such a crowded place with her constantly needing attention?
You are married to this man, and you need to listen to what he is saying to you. He is clearly saying that she is too dependent, and that he needs his space for you both to be able to continue in this marriage. Listen to what he is saying. This is the man you chose to be with, and instead you're considering leaving him?
I think you need to seriously be more sensitive towards your husband. I appreciate that you feel the need to take care of your mother. But you're in a 1 bed flat together, she's seemingly too dependent and your husband is telling you very, very clearly that he is unhappy.
So decide. Are you willing to throw the marriage away, or do you think that you need to re-consider the living arrangements. Because there is no third option.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (3 January 2011): This is a tough and touchy subject and I commend you for taking care of mom. It is really nice of you to think of her and not to leave your mom in a nursing home. I've volunteered in a nursing home before and it's a sad place for some of the residents living there because their children and family don't come around to visit but maybe only twice a year. I know times are hard and maybe mom doesn't say much about it, but I'm sure she's very grateful to you and your husband. Do you have family members like cousins who might want to take her in for a day once a month? Or even go to a church where there's an outreach program that takes in senior citizens for the day and then they come home in the late afternoon? I know of an aunt of mine before she passed, my cousins would drop her off at the senior citizen day care and she would be with others her age and they would do activities together or go out thus giving you and your husband some time together. I'm sure there are places that can help alleviate the tension at home. Also, see if there's someone that can come over to your home or a good close friend that can watch mom while you and your husband go out for a date in the evenings (like on a Friday or Saturday night)to revitalize your marriage. It's not easy for both parents and children when the roles change. Be patient and understanding with both sides. Talk to a pastor or a friend about the situation and most importantly talk with your husband in a gentle way and tell him of some of the solutions that need to be addressed. Set up a chart of me time, husband and me time, mom and me time, mom and day care time, mom, husband and me time for dinner. Mom is now a responsibility, the way you would with a child. Don't treat mom like a child but you need to make sure you are on top of it, just like you would be when you are in mommy mode. Scheduling is now a part of your time for this moment in time. This is your mom you are thinking of and want you want to cherish every moment you have with her. Make time to go out with mom to buy groceries or things she used to like to do while your husband makes time for rest and relaxation. Sometimes, these are the times to make time with mom to make memories and no regrets. Make time for your husband, your mom and especially you. You'll be thankful for it. You can do it!!!
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (3 January 2011):
 You don't specify in which way your husband creates a horrible atmosphere at home. Or maybe you did, when you
mentioned he barely speaks to your mom. But it all depends. If he manages to be civil, polite and respectful... well, frankly that's already a lot, you can't expect him to be chummy and talkative with an older lady whom probably he would not have much in commmon with even if she lived on her own. Imagine having her living with you in a 1 bedroom ! Really too close for comfort, and I am neither surprised nor scandalized that your husband is less than thrilled with the current accomodation.
It also depends from your mum's "needs ". I mean, is she in good health or has she got physical ailments requiring regular care and assistence ? Is she still self sufficient ? If what you call "needs " are needs ,not for practical help with cooking or getting dressed or washing herself etc., but just a "need " for constant companionship,attention and reassurance,... well, these are "wants " !, not needs.
Sure, your husband should understand that she's your mom and you love her and want to please her ( but I guess he does,since he accepted to take her in )- but at the same time she should understand that you may be her only child, but you are also a married woman . A married woman ,= a woman who chose to share her life with a man, in the way that works best for your couple first of all. You have responsibilities and obligations also ( I am tempted to say first of all ) toward your husband, who is the family you have CHOSEN to create.
I understand that yours must be a difficult and delicate balancing act, but I still feel ,honestly,that seeing yourself mainly as a daughter and then as a wife is very unfair to your husband. He may be not very sensitive to your mother's "needs " ( or preferences, maybe )- but , are you being sensitive to your husband's needs ?
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A
female
reader, Mjfbla +, writes (3 January 2011):
 Uhm I think your husband could be a bit more understanding, but thats no reason to leave the marraige. I understand his point of view. The best thing for you to do is sit your husband down and tell him how he treats your mom is wrong. If he loves you he needs to treat her a bit better. You need to explain that he is right in his own way, but as of right now theres not much you could do. Just ask him to please understand where you are coming from and be nicer to your mom. In return you need to talk to your mom and ask her to become a bit more independent.
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