A
male
age
30-35,
*ombrematto
writes:I'I'm a young man, in college and I consider myself to be a nice, generous and caring person. My friend was having a house party to celebrate his 17th and during a party one night , I was introduced to "Steph". ". She is an amazing person , same interests, same tastes in music and we talk for the whole. Everyone had a few drinks, except myself as I was working the next morning- and I had to leave early. About an hour, before I left the party, another man, Called Rob, and though I get on with everyone , Rob was pretty much of a dick but somehow the women love. And as I left , Steph starts talking to Ron, in a flirtatious manner- I don't object cos I've only just met her and we are at a party to have a good time , but I felt there was some bad feeling that something was going to happen that night. I had a special feeling for Steph, not of love, as I hadn't yet known her properly, but I really did like her. But when I left- Steph gave Rob oral sex. I was a little disappointed, naturally, but more infuriated when I learnt that, after the night Rob claimed that it was "beer Googles" and said she was a whore. Which really thought of a bad person he is. Steph doesn't tell me directly but the host of the party does. In the next months, me and steph talk lots, and casually meet up. I decided I really did think of it more than infatuation and I asked if she wanted to be Boyfriend/Girlfriend. She said No, because I was a friend and nothing more?Am I too nice? Why do bad people only interested in sex, get the girl? I have never had a real relationship with a woman, and I don't know what to do. Sorry if too long x
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (12 November 2010):
Actions speak louder than words. Look at what girls do, not what they say. Nice guys finish last.
Stop trying to be a girl's friend first. Start trying to get into their pants while you are getting to know them.
A
male
reader, LovelessAct1  +, writes (12 November 2010):
Yeah us nice guys always get the short end. Its no secret. Why? Well, alcohol is a lot of the reason, but that's not worth getting into. The other reason? The setting.
Think about it, if you met Steph at a coffee shop or at school in the halls, you would easily have a great head start with her, just being nice and friendly. When she's in that setting, that's what she's looking for; a nice, calm guy to talk about music with. If you were in a coffee shop and Rob busted through the doors yelling, "Who wants to give me oral sex?" not only would he be banned from several coffee conglomerates for life, but he'd get absolutely no attention or respect from her.
At a party, however, especially once alcohol gets mixed in, people want to be around the "life of the party." The guys who are loud, obnoxious, and outrageously drunk.
As a nice guy, meeting girls at a party is rarely a good idea. If they are at a party, the guys who are drinking and being loud are going to get their attention. Don't change who you are, just change where you meet women. Talk to them in the halls of your school, meet for coffee or lunch. Don't feel you have to impress her, just be the nice guy you are. Eventually you'll find a woman who sees that kindness. Good luck.
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A
male
reader, Jmtmj  +, writes (12 November 2010):
 Being nice, generous and caring... fantastic qualities to have... but utterly useless in attracting most women you've just met if you don't act confident enough to take the risks involved in escalating the interaction to a more "sexually orientated" level.
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A
male
reader, Odds +, writes (12 November 2010):
 It's not that you're nice, it's that you're not assertive and sexual. You went to a party and talked; Rob went to a party and turned her on. You asked if she wanted to date; Rob *made* her want to screw him.
Neither of those things require you to be a dick, although it's mostly nasty guys to whom those traits come naturally. Rather, they require you to be willing to offend, willing to be rejected, and willing to treat girls as sexual beings.
Did you note specifically *what* Rob said to her, what his posture was like, the way he quickly moved to get physical - say, standing tall, leaning a little back, up very close to her, touching her arm right away? Speaking slowly, with a deep voice, and saying things that you would be nervous to say? Notice that he didn't make her feel judged about being sexual until after he'd gotten what he'd wanted?
That's what you have to do (except maybe the judging part). It's not that he's a dick, it's that he is happier to take a chance and get rejected (believe me, he's probably been rejected more times than you've approached) than he is to miss the chance altogether. You have to move in and do it quickly.
By keeping respectful distance, talking about "safe" things like music, and imagining her as a sweet girl who'd never kiss someone she just met (much less blow him), you sabotaged her image of you.
Remember, it's possible to go for a girl romantically and become her friend instead, but very rare to be her friend and then upgrade.
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A
male
reader, The Realist  +, writes (12 November 2010):
 I'm sorry you had to go through that. I've been in your position so much. I've always been the nice guy who is just seen as the friend if they even talk to me at all. I have learned over the years though that the nice guy has the best advantage. Firstly you will end up with a girl even though it seems like it'll never happen, girls stay with the nice guys and the ones who don't pay you any attention aren't right for you anyway. Maybe you could try flirting a bit more, don't be afraid to say something that might catch them off guard. As long as the girl knows you are joking around it will be cute and show her that you are capable of the passion. Don't be afraid be more staight forward with a girl. I know it's easier said then done but it does work. I went through high school as just the friend but then I stopped caring about what everyone thought of me and now I have no problem talking to any girl.
A relationship will come in time and I'm sure she'll be an amazing girl. I hope this little bit helps the waiting around a little more bearable.
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