A
male
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Dear Cupid,I just spent the weekend on a wonderful mini vacation with my girlfriend. We are both 25 years old. We've been together for 3 years now and we have a great relationship which is very loving from both sides.We have had fights in the past and a breakup the lasted only a couple of days. It has always been about issues with her ex boyfriend.From the start of our relationship I told her that I had zero tolerance for her remaining friends with her ex and hanging out with him. She assured me that she was over him completely and wasn't attracted to him at all anymore.Whenever we have a major fight it seems as if she runs to him for coffee or whatever. It bothers me that she does this because I don't go running to other women when I'm upset. I'll simply talk to someone close in my family.Anyway, I just found out a day ago that a little more than a year ago during a rocky period in our relationship she had slept over at her ex boyfriend's house. She called me that night asking me to pick her up at around 3-4 am after going out with her girlfriend and I said no because she had just previously told me that I baby her too much and am always there for her. She claims that she had no money for a taxi and that his house was nearby and that she slept on his couch and they didn't have sex (I asked her this and she made a disgusted look on her face contrary to when I asked if she ever had been to his house I could tell she was lying right away). But really HOW do I know that is true? My instinct tells me it is true but I will never know and that tears me apart. She doesn't come off as the cheating type at all but how do you really know a person and if she was drinking that night who knows.I am so at a loss here. I made it clear so many times that I don't want her hanging out with her ex and still I find texts every couple of months in her phone where she is asking him if he is available to hang out and this always happens when we are having a fight.I don't know what to do. I love her and there are so many great things about her but she really crossed the line by lying to me about sleeping over at her ex boyfriends house (she told me she went back to the party and slept on the couch there)Thank you for reading this through. It is very raw and must be very convoluted.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (23 May 2013): If she only respects your relationship as long as things are sunny then she does not respect it.
There is only one thing you can do from here. Tell her that the next time she defies the mutually agreed rules in your relationship, it's over.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (23 May 2013): You don't have a right to "forbid" anything your girlfriend does, and you can't chose her friends. If she is too close to her ex for your comfort, then you have to find a girlfriend who isn't. It is inappropriate for her to spend the night at an ex-boyfriend's house when she has a current boyfriend. However; if you have a problem with her keeping in close touch, you have the option to end the relationship. You say he is always the problem. Then end it.She is keeping him on hand as a backup, and you have a possessive nature. You claim the relationship is so great, then what do you have to worry about?The only choice you have, is to give her back to her ex and move on.
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A
male
reader, human_male  +, writes (23 May 2013):
 First I would like to answer as if it were me in your situation. If I was in a relationship with someone great who I really loved I would not let my insecurity, jealousy or need to control my girlfriend jeopardise the relationship. Sorry to be blunt. You don't know if she's sleeping with him. You don't know if she's cheating. She might just be very good friends with him, and keeps running to him because he's an important support person for her. You don't want her to see him because you just don't like it.Ok she might be sleeping with him but you don't know. And when it comes to people we love we give them the benefit of the doubt. You have to have trust for a relationship to work.So if it were me, and I didn't know she was cheating, or at least have a very good reason to suspect she was, I wouldn't make a big deal of her keeping in touch with her ex. I may not like it, but I would trust her. Now what I think you should do is break up with her. You're adamant she will not have contact with her ex. She apparently is adamant that she will. You are at an impasse. You're going to keep putting pressure on her and she is going to keep running to her ex because that's what she feels she needs to do, and it's going to get worse and worse between you two. Best to just end it now.
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A
male
reader, Xearo  +, writes (23 May 2013):
At the end of the day buddy, you can't force someone to be friends with another or not. I understand why you are upset but realistically this happened a year ago so hearing about it now makes the situation feel like it happened yesterday. Shake yourself together.
Having said this, it seems like she may never give up her ex as a friend or so. You may have to decide for yourself if you are willing to accept this or not. If not then you jus have to break up and move on, try to find someone else who will not make such decisions. Else you will have to stay with her and continue to try to work it out, talking to her about it in the process.
I know it isn't much to work on but you just to get a grip and try to calm down first. Take a brain cooler and hopefully you find the right answers yourself.
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