A
female
age
,
*eenamaria
writes:Hi I need help, about three years ago I left my husband of 10years to move in with my present partner who left his partner of 23 years, I have four children from a previous marriage and he had two children with his partner, my husband and I had not been getting along for a long while and it was when we were packing up our house after we sold it that we decided to split, my partner did the same their relationship had come to an end and they split, My husband and I were friends with my present partner and all has been amicable and friendly. My son also moved in with us, he's 23 years of age and gets on fantastic with my present partner and i am pleased to say all the kids get along. So your thinking whats the problem then.When we first moved in together life was great exciting and new, but now seems boring and i am starting to think if this is all life has to offer me.. These are the problems and i need advice...am i asking to much..My partner and i have good jobs, in the region of around £60.000 a year, we rent a house which is split financially three ways, with my son, which includes everything from rent to shopping. But we do nothing, we go nowhere. My parnter has tried since we met to start a little business to generate an income and this is where the problems lie, he spends all his non-working time on the computer, any spare cash he spends on the projects that he's trying to start at the time, he's lazy does sod all around the house, doesnt cook, doesn't pick up his washing he just pays his monthly amount and that's it, we never go out, not even for a meal, if i mention a night out, he doesnt want to go, and i have tried everything from go karting to the theatre his answer to all is its not his thing, or thats boring, or we cant afford it, or any other excuse...When we got together sex was regular, but now maybe once a month, he does not show any affection whatsoever, a kiss when he goes to work is the limit, or a kiss when we go to bed which i add is more 'i go to bed' - he stays up on the pc till 4am in the morning. When i am working and he's a home he will just be on the pc and do nothing else unless it somthing to do with the project that he's working on at the time, i have been accused of not being supportive, although i am and the recent project he's working on is in my name as he is nearly bankrupt due to failed business in the past.I feel like a paid landlady who when i am lucky gets a quick jump, because thats all it seems to be, he lays there, then when excited seems to just want it, there is no foreplay on his part, and to be honest i feel a bit used, i just feel that after two failed marriages i wanted this relationship to last but it just seems crap. The question is am i asking to much, is this it? When you get to forty odd and its a new relationship is this it...? I suppose i expected holidays and weekends away, time together, making the effort to make time together, but it seems that is not the case. I do understand that he wants to make something of himself and for us, but we live financially separate i have no car at the moment due to my car being scrapped, i am struggling to save for a new one, due to just paying for divorce and setting up this home which i add i bought most of the furniture, but he does not seem to help, just seems to buy things to sell on ebay and such like,....Am i asking too much..am i the selfish one...?
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female
reader, teenamaria +, writes (16 June 2008):
teenamaria is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you every one for the help and advice all of which i have taken on board, i will talk to him and explain to him how i feel, he knows that something is up as i to say the least am really pissed off, usually i am so easy going but lately have got really snappy, so this weekend will take the bull by the horns and talk to him, and if he does not think things will change then time to move on i think, and yes you right, i dont have to put up with it, plenty men out there that want what i want, and kids have grown up so heres to the future and thanks again all the people that took the time to answer, its nice to know that its not all me..thanks again
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 June 2008): If he doesn't want to do housework or cooking, ask him to contribute some income towards a housecleaning service or take in food a couple of times a week. Life is too short to feel bad about housework.
As for his not giving you time, no couple can stay together if they don't spend at least 12-15 hours of quality time together, alone, a week. You're not being selfish. He needs to wake up and realize that relationships need maintenance, like everything else in life-- you can't just build something once and expect it to take care of itself forever.
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A
female
reader, lexilou +, writes (15 June 2008):
 No you are not asking too much you are just with the wrong guy. It sounds like you jumped straight into this relationship and whilst he may have been a family friend you really didnt know him very well.
When you first got together it seemed wonderful but then it soon faded which does happen to lots of couples and you have realised this wonderful person is really a waste of space and you are not compatable.
It doesnt matter if you already have two failed marriages if you are this unhappy it is time to do something about it. It is very hard to change anybody, they have to want to, BUT if you want to make it work then tell him exactly how you feel and see if he is willing to try.
As I said its normal for the magic to wear off but you have to work at it as a couple and thats the only way you can stay together past the 'honeymoon' stage and you cant do that if he is not even willing to try. Good luck x
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A
female
reader, nettles +, writes (15 June 2008):
 Let him know you want his attention. When your son is out, put on the sexiest lingerie you have and plop yourself on his knee at the pc. Show him how much you miss him and what he is missing out on.Stop cooking for him and doing his washing etc and he'll soon learn how to start doing things around the house.Most importantly, talk to him. Explain to him you know his business is important but you are feeling neglected. He may not even have noticed as men can be really dense about this kind of thing.
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A
male
reader, wildman  +, writes (15 June 2008):
 Maybe you moved out and into another relationship too quickly. It sounds like your new husband needs a wake up call before it is too late. You should have a serious talk with him, maybe go somewhere for the weekend where he is away from the computer and has to listen to you. You make the plans ahead of time. I tend to stay on the computer too much myself and have recently started doing it mainly when my wife is doing something she likes like softball and is out of the house. I also am trying to start my own business and do not go in everyday like she has too. I have been trying to take care of the dishes house cleaning and projects she wants around the house. The business is great but needs to be put in the proper place 2nd. good luck with everything, its not easy but be persistent it pays off believe me
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (15 June 2008): Just because this may have turned out to be a mistake, doesnt mean that you have to live with it forever. Do you really love him and want things to change. You need to be honest to yourself. If you want things to work, you should sugest you go to counselling together. Does he know that you are unhappy?
However, if you find that you do not love him and he is not who you thought he was, then what is stopping you from leaving. Life is short. Be Happy.
Just remember the next time that the sex and affection is always something that fades...but it doesnt have to mean that love isnt still there. Look at values and relationships of the person youare iterested in.
Hoep this helps
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A
female
reader, misfitschik66  +, writes (15 June 2008):
 YOU are not being selfish HE is you need to have a serious talk with your man and let him know how you feel everything you just said you need to tell him that and you need to force him to listen and if he doesn't seem to get it then you deserve better your life is not over and there ARE more men out there looking for the same thing you want .. if your children are grown up then get out their and enjoy your life and if it means dropping this man do it because by the way you seem to explain it he is just keeping you from moving forward
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