A
female
age
36-40,
*pfelsaft
writes:Help!I can't figure out what to do. I'm a beautiful, fit, extremely intelligent young woman with a great sense of humor and acceptance. I get along great with almost anyone. Most men I meet develop crushes on me, and a lot of women at work are intimidated by me. I have a lot of friends. I'm one of those people who never thought I'd turn to a Web site for relationship advice. But here I am.I've been with my boyfriend for three years now. Most of my friends and family dislike him, because they think he doesn't deserve me. I'm pretty (supposedly); he is average-looking. I just got my Bachelor's degree; he's 7 years older than me, careerless, and barely finished high school. I am kind to my family and keep in touch with them; he's been all but cut off by his. My friends and family look at these facts and judge him... without really knowing who he is. But I've found him to be the most strangely interesting, weirdly sexy person I've ever known. And when we are together, there's never a boring moment. I mean never. So I love him.The thing is that I am not enough for him physically. I am 5'10", 135 pounds, and athletic. I was a swimmer my whole life. I wear a 34B and a size 6. Most guys find me very attractive, but honestly, my boyfriend hardly ever compliments me on my appearance. Instead, he makes little jokes about my small boobs or my small butt. He's even gone so far as to say my boobs are a "B" for "Big". Very not funny! He's also said my boobs are too small for me to ever look slutty. He's said I should stuff my bra for Halloween. He talks about a girl he used to have a crush on who had a Kim Kardashian" body and he was sooo obsessed with her. He says all these things laughingly, but I know his past 2 GFs had fake boobs. This is making me insecure and I know I shouldn't be. I should probably say, "Hey, he doesn't like me for me, so what the heck!" and leave him. But the problem is I really love him. He's older than me and maybe he feels I'm the ebst he can get, and that's why he's not dumping me for a girl with bigger boobs! (This is my ridiculous thought process). What should I do?
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (31 August 2012): Never stay in love with someone that thinks you are ordinary!
Life is too short...
A
female
reader, Apfelsaft +, writes (31 August 2012):
Apfelsaft is verified as being by the original poster of the question Thank you, everyone, for your advice! It's comforting and calming to read others' points of view on my situation. I never expected such a long list of helpful replies to my question. Just for a little update- I had a long and terrible and heart-wrenching and Visine-requiring talk with my BF last night. And although I had to go to work with eyes that were a bit puffy, I felt good that I poured out my insecurities and complaints.He listened. He really did. Well, that doesn't mean he understood.But it doesn't really matter. Becuase ultiamtely, the decision is up to me - whether to continue this or not.No matter what I decide, I'm promising myself not to let him see me "buckle in front of him," as one of you wrote. That was av very fitting phrase, by the way- thanks for putting it in those terms. Thanks again everyone... XOXOXO
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (28 August 2012):
 Sounds to me like he is over all very insecure and honestly jealous of you. That is why he is trying to chop you down a peg or 5.
Honey, he says the things he says out of spite. He KNOWS he's got a gorgeous GF, who is also very social and successful and I think he frankly resents it.
What my question is, why do you set the BAR so low for yourself? What exactly is it that you LOVE about this guy?
He seems to be sabotaging YOU and the relationship and you just "grin and bear it" ?
Screw whether he can do better.. the thing is YOU can.
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A
female
reader, Vixxxy  +, writes (28 August 2012):
Hey I totally agree with the rest. One, the very fact that you have posted this question means that you have doubts - and rightly so. If he can't appreciate you for who you are he doesn't deserve you - end of. I am very similiar to you in the description and now married to the man and the demands don't end - you only exhaust yourself trying because they emerge not from who you are or what you may be lacking in. His demands come from his own insecurities. And your friends will be right because they are objective - while you are into it. They can see what you can't so listen to them. I'm listening and moving on after many years; and I sincerely wish you luck.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 August 2012): It really doesn't matter how beatifull u are, how thin or big or small breasted you are. He is with you now, and he shouldn't be making any degrading comments about your appearance. May be curvy type is more his taste, and how you describe yourself you appear to be very thin, but it doesn't matter. He is with you, not with someone curvy, and thatbshould be enough for him if he loves you.My husband always dated petite and small breasted women, as it was his taste. And then he met me. At 19 I was already 120$ being only 5.4. with large breasts, thin waist, and round hips.Now after having a child, I'm 135 lb and been like this for the past 20 years. I do workout a lot, but I m very curvy, my breasts even bigger than they were before. He compliments me all the time. He still likes thin and delicate looking women I know that, but he never makes me feel bad because I m not like them, and never was.No one will never be enough for your boyfriend. Because he is not enough for himself. Curvy women tend to become a little on a heavy side after they become mothers or older. I m sure even he was with someone that he likes now because of her curves, he would find faults with her later on in life when she puts some weight on.That's not love.Also I would pay attention to other signs that you mentioned. To be cut off by his family is not a very good sign, unless his family is really dysfunctional. Also, a guy has little ambition, no education. Does he work? How is he financially? That could be indicators of his personaIty, may be that's why your family is worried.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 August 2012): Hi do not let this man project his insecurities onto you because this is just the beginning, you are a beatuful young woman so why would you think this is acceptable (and clearly you are beginning to realise it is not).He thinks that he can get anyone now simply because he has won a prize in you, and believe me when I say ' 7 years seems a small gap but it isnt ) I have been with a 7 years older man for 6 years - he started the small put downs and it made me insecure - this had a massive impact - he then shouted more causing problems saying I was 'off my head' or insecure - but who can blame someone who doesnt feel loved because of those actions.You need to make a stand and fingers crossed he will respect you for the indepenedant girl you are and pack this insane cavelike man behaviour in , as he may have won you now but his attitude isnt going to keep you - futhermore if he carrys on and u stay - he will treat u like a door mat because you take being treated like one - go girl for you can do much better xx
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A
female
reader, Anonymous 123  +, writes (28 August 2012):
 I'm surprised you still haven't dumped this guy! Where exactly is your self esteem? A young, attractive, successful, supposedly confident girl has fallen for a man who is absolutely nothing compared to her and she is allowing him to make her feel small!!
Do you know why you like him? Not because he's attractive or sexy but because no one else likes him. Its your way of rebelling against everyone else and trying to prove them wrong. You are standing your ground and trying to convince yourself that he's the "one" when you know that everyone else is probably right and he's absolutely useless.
As for the man, he knows he has a pretty, young, successful woman worshiping him and he also knows that this is the best he can ever have. His ego has touched the roof and he's belittling you and commenting on your boobs and butt because it gives him an even greater sense of satisfaction seeing you buckle in front of him. He's even more of a king now, seeing you feel bad. What a wonderful sense of achievement for him!
And where does the question of dumping YOU come from? You are the catch of his life, the goose that lays the golden eggs, the trophy he can flaunt. But he'll always make you feel bad about yourself so that you tow the line with him and don't get too confident about yourself because that'll pull him down.
Forget about him, YOU can do much better.
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A
female
reader, Ciar  +, writes (28 August 2012):
 The fact that he's 'been all but cut off by his family' is quite significant actually. Something you ought to pay closer attention to.
Your friends and family see things in your boyfriend that you have chosen to ignore because you're having too good a time with him (which, by the way does not make him a good person). I can understand being skeptical if it were one friend or family member who disliked him, but they all do. All of them. Does that not tell you something? It sure screams volumes to me.
Your boyfriend may see in you someone who is confident, destined to go places and eventually outgrow him. Saying things that cause you to second guess yourself keeps you with him until HE is ready to move no and it helps him feel better about not having accomplished much and having no real ambitions himself.
I think he is dull and common.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 August 2012): Looks ar enot everything in life, you are 26 and just finished a Bachelors, and if that is late and he has 7 years more then you! Imagine! If by that age he has not developed a career do you really want to be with him? It seems clear that on his 30s he wont get much done either!!Kim Kardashian is fake as well anyway ;)Your weight, height or how attractive you are really do not matter. To some guys you might be too skinny or flat, and to some you may be too short or tall! What matters is that HE finds you attractive, you already find yourself attractive, and that is awesome. If he cannot love you for who you are then maybe you should do better yourself and get a real career man.It's like you saying that you were soooooo obsessed with a guy that had a PhD and was so accomplished! How rude of him!!!!!! He is making you insecure!When he mentioned that about your boobs, I would have suggested he should stuff his crotch with toilet paper.I think it is not a matter of you being the best you can do, it is a matter of him not being the best YOU can do. You can certainly do better, at your age a career-less man with no character that disrespects you so much is not worth your time. You do not need his validation.Think if there is anything else that attracts you to him besides having fun, does he stimulate you intellectually? Or is that the only reason you are with him? Is this what you want? Is being with him preventing you from meeting someone that treats you amazing, and that sees a princess in you?Also, honestly a gentleman would NEVER make such remark about your body, to him you would be perfect. I was also once with a guy that loved big boobs, and I have a 34B as well, he said only one thing "They are perfect!" and the only joke he would make would be "They are not small! They are fun size, I love to play with them!" I even suggested getting an augmentation and he was very disappointed.I think that he should love you as you are, or he should go his own way. ;D You hoenstly, don't deserve that, and he does not deserve you.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 August 2012): He can do better and he will when he gets a chance.
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A
male
reader, eddie85 +, writes (28 August 2012):
 From the sounds of it, your are beginning to see the real person behind your boyfriend. I suppose the blinders of "love" have finally worn off.
I think the real title to your question is "Is the best that you can get?"
Why are you attracted to this man? What are some of his positive qualities? Is he someone you are willing to invest your so-called best years of your life with? Is this the best your relationship can get? Why don't you feel you deserve better? If children are in your future, is this man father / husband material?
These are all serious questions that only YOU can answer.
If I were you, I'd take some time out -- just for a day or two and really think about where you are going with your life and where you want to be. Is this guy holding you back from your true potential or does he elevate you to higher levels of excellence? If you have no problems finding dates, you shouldn't have too many problems replacing him -- however, I wouldn't think in those terms, yet. First determine whether he respects you and more importantly, whether you respect HIM.
You are at a pivotal point in your life and investing more time into a potential loser could leave you bitter and with less options. Again, only you can determine what to do as you know the full bounds of your relationship but I hope I have given you some questions to think over.
Good luck.
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A
female
reader, Abella +, writes (28 August 2012):
 One way a (potentially pathetic?) guy sometimes uses to keep the Gf keen and still trying to impress him is to continually undermine and denigrate the Gf. So she starts to doubt if she is OK? and keeps on trying to please him.
He may be a delight in bed but long term is that enough for you? He may entertain you and be strangely interesting but how will that be enough long term if he cannot appreciate you for who you are.
your friends don't find him impressive.Maybe they are seeing what you do not want to see at the moment.
He has this obsession with boobs. There is nothing wrong with your fit body and you sound like you are in proportion. You are a real person not a plastic blow up doll. if he wants a girl with big boobs tell him to get a new Gf - otherwise he should respect and value who you are.
The truth is he probably cannot believe his luck at having such a classy fit good looking intelligent capable gal as his girlfriend.
But sadly he cannot leave it at that.
If he wants a big busted girl then tell him to start looking. You are not going to stop him reaching that goal.
And what's he got going for him? He's seven years older than you and still he has not embarked on building his career? Other guys in their early twenties are already off and running building careers. He's not put much effort into improving himself through education. What he thinks his charm is all he will need? Think again. Because even entry level jobs are hard to get without some studies underway or a willingnes to continuously learn.
His commitment to family is negligible.What did he do to his family that they have almost cut him off? Their side of the story could be illuminating.
Looks fade but character is everything.
If he wants to keep crushing on these girls with bigger boobs then tell him to pursue his dreams while he is young and sexy enough to get such a girl.
If a guy is undermining you and making you feel insecure then I think it is time to reconsider your position. It is disrespectful of him to keep carrying on about your appearance when in truth you are OK in every way.
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A
female
reader, shellycg +, writes (28 August 2012):
 HI Would you be surprised to know that most men infact nearly all are more insecure than us girls... well its true...He sees you , as all of how you described and more, but feels the need to knock you down by making what he thinks are smart jokes - so this comes down to you - you look in the mirror every day and what do you see the beautiful smart, intelligent girl (i have to say thats how i would describe myself too) and say to yourself "do you know what, im the best" keep that thought all day or when you see him - so if he does say something thats a little harsh , you can brush it off - because you know you are the best...DO remember this too my friend that men like whats on the inside too...you havent said what kind of person you are inside... so maybe hes still searching for that too...Please dont worry about ~Boobs~ all men have a book fetish in some way or another.Do something special - so that he will remember a special time or meal or place , then he will forget all about saying things to hurt.Hope this helpsx
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A
male
reader, mistermann +, writes (28 August 2012):
When I first started to read this post, the opening paragraphs painted a picture of a very secure, confident and self aware person. Somebody who receives quite a bit of attention and compliments to raise there self esteem shouldn't feel insecure at all.This suggests to me that there is something quite wrong and that your boyfriend is really starting to eat away at your confidence.First and foremost, in a committed and healthy relationship, the size of your body parts, whether it's boobs, bum, nose, ears, chin, arms, legs or whatever body part, really shouldn't matter. You should both be comfortable and happy with one another for who you are.Your boyfriend obviously fails to realise that his insensitive remarks are fuelling insecurity. What does its really matter how big or small your boobs may be?Your boyfriend sounds like quite a joker, so this could very much be a case of insensitivity and distasteful jokes. However, I can fully understand why you would feel inadequate.You need to let him know how he is making you feel and that you cannot be with somebody who doesn't accept you for who you are. I also think you are seriously due an apology. If he does have a problem with the way you look, then more fool him for ruining a relationship for such petty reasons.I hope things turn out okay for you.
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