A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:My mom has had menopause for two years now, and it is getting progressively worse. She is very sensitive to medicine, so hormones are out of the question.Problem is that she treats me like trash, she starts nagging me about everything and anything that I did or did not. For example today : Why did you leave the door open?!bla bla bla... and I had not even gone out. Or she would start screaming at me because "I left the toothpaste out" when I do not even use her restroom.She calls me a pig, and says I am a disgusting woman because my brother was eating and he left some crumbs. She accuses me of stealing spoons from her and keeping them on my room. ( I do not take them...) If she sees someone else on TV doing something, and I comment on how great that looks, she will say that It's too bad I will never do anything like that because I do not have what it takes. I don't know if its the menopause or if she finally feels free to say what is on her mind.i feel like a failure to my mother, I go to a community school because I could not afford anything else, but I am transferring out to my University On May 2013 to finish my Bachelors! I get good grades and have a 3.7 GPA out of 4.0. I do not drink, or do drugs, or anything. I worked at the same company for 5 years, but I was laid off 2 months ago , and it is killing me.When she is on her moods and yells at me and accuses me I don't answer back, and I just apologize whether I did it or not. Talking to her is absolutely useless, she never listens, sometimes my eyes get watery because I am trying to hard to stay calm, and she will mock me fro crying saying I'm just looking for attention.It's come to the point where I hide in the restroom to cry, and pretend to shower.I am afraid of crying in front of her.Please tell me how I can deal with her, or how can I help her feel better? How can I help her moods? Any pointers on how to respond to mothers on menopause?I would get away, but since I was laid off I do not have a car, so I am mostly stuck at home. I will move out in May for school... What to do until then? How to deal with it better? She wont take medicine for it.Thanks you for any answers...I really have no one else to talk to about this, and I feel lower than dirt.
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female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (28 August 2012):
 It doesn't sounds like "normal" menopause. Something else is up.
I think Abella put forth a lot of great info and ideas, and I'm sorry you are dealing with this.
A
female
reader, Abella +, writes (28 August 2012):
 This cannot be blamed on menopause. Your Mom is being mean and she may be feeling bitter and twisted for a variety of reasons but she should get some counselling. She should not be taking it out on you.
She needs to see the doctor and be assessed to see if she is suffering straight out depression as well. I am sure the Doctor can find a treatment that would help with whatever is ailing her.
That she treats you badly suggests that she has some sort of resentment towards you. If that is the case why would that be? She is too critical of you. And if she could relax a bit more then maybe she would find it a little easier to cut you some slack sometimes. Some of her compaints sound so petty as if she is talking to you like a child, not her capable adult daughter.
Is she a naturally jealous woman? that could cause her to be easily resentful.
Her responses are abusive.
She puts you down - and that is so destructive for a parent to do that.
You are NOT a failure. You are studying. You write well and sound very articulate. She should be proud of you. you are ambitious and have started studying at Community college and soon you will be at University. Well Done! You clearly work hard and deserve success.
A good education and a resourceful attitude is going to get you a good job eventually. you wil build that into a good career.
And you are stable. You were able to successfully work forthe same company for 5 years, suggesting that you get on well with others and do your job well.
Many parents would love a daughter like you.You are not out getting drunk and you do not do illicit drugs,
Financially this is a tough time and being laid off would have hurt. Start looking for a part time job as soon as you can.
If there is a confidential counselling service available through the college or the University then take advantage of it to learn better ways to assertively deal with your mother. while you are so meek and mild perhaps she feels she can get away with bullying you. That is cowardly of your mother.
Check out Biderman's Chart of Coercion on the Internet. You will see the stages your Mother has reached at different times in her bullying. Then the reaction she wants. Do NOT react in the way she expects. It will throw her. And confuse her. She feels she has the right to bully you and she feels justified in her unacceptable behaviour.
Your Mother's moods are her own. She ought to get treatment but she may not want to.
I am glad that you will be able to get away in May. But before that is there any other trusted relative who you could stay with?
Every time she starts to speak abusively just get up, without comment, and leave the room. No response. No remarks, no replies. Starve her of a response. if she demands a response tell her : "I will respond once you stops speaking to me in an abusive manner".
Do not further explain. But repeat the original sentence again. It is called "Broken Record" response.
If you need even more support then search online for the book called "Toxic parents" as it may give you some pointers (though the parents in that book are even more toxic in most instances than you already abusive toxic Mother.
In May and once you get some part time employment will you be able to access low cost shared student accomodation? Getting away from your mother will give you some breathing space from this abuse.
Maybe she just feels like her role in your life is diminished. Maybe she has her own money woes? or she regrets things she never had or lost or never tried. Those are her issues. She ought to be thrilled for you. Not mean and nasty.
I would suggest some bonding activities but at this early stage I think she is far too toxic to even try such things. your mother will need to earn your trust before she is ready to enjoy outings and mother/daughter activities with you.
Maybe also start using Affirmations every morning and every evening. This means when you are alone and very quietly you say a positive assertion about you out loud. Do it daily for 6 to 8 weeks and it will become a habit and will help you.
A typical Affirmation is
"Good Night (your name) you are a lovely capable person and people find you easy to get on with?"
and
"Good Morning (your name) today is a new day and it is going to be a successful day because you are focused and you well organised. Well done (your name)"
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 August 2012): Thank you, she wont go to the doctor, but I will try to speak with her head physician.
I actually had 2 interviews this week, and one next week. Honestly, I applied to every job out there so I could get out of the house.
3 Thank you
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (28 August 2012): hey there i am sorry u are going threw this situation but like the comment before i think also this is more then menopause,have patience n breath cry it out better that the letting ur mom see ur frustration.my advice talk to her whene shes at her best when she calm watching tv or even when she goes out grab a calm 3 secounds n let it out tell her how u feel.
i hope things get better have patience life is one and so is mothers :)
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A
female
reader, Basschick  +, writes (28 August 2012):
 I'm afraid this is not normal menopause. She must be having other problems. Either that or she is using the whole "menopause" thing to say what she really wants with no restraint or regard for anyone else's feelings. You may want to talk to her physician. Call him or write a long letter. Be sure you include her name and date of birth on the top of the letter. Then proceed to detail her nasty behavior. Suggest to her physician that he consider giving her an anti-depressant, or that he recommend some therapy for her. Something bizarre is going on with her. I am assuming she wasn't like this toward you before. In the meantime try to find another job, anything to make some money so you can stay away from home and save some funds to move out. You have to keep on a forward path and not let this side-track you from your goals. There are other jobs, find one, even if it is temporary. You can always find something else so keep looking untiil you find what you want. Good luck.
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