A
female
age
41-50,
*oppedout
writes:My boyfriend has been lying to me about where he has been going out, does that mean he's cheating too? How do I get passed the lies and trust him again?My boyfriend and I have been together for 2 years. I'm 31, he's 28. I recently found out he has been lying about where he has been going out. I'm very supportive of him going to clubs every week because I believe they are a place for single people. Guys nights out, stags, birthdays are okay, but every week for someone in a relationship is a little excessive. I found out 4 weeks ago that he has been lying to me since February about going out. His reason was that he didn't want to fight with me about where he's been. Now, I have become suspicious of him cheating. If he was lying to me about where he was, maybe he cheated on me as well. Now he says that he needs a break because he's not sure if he can commit to me. He's scared of us moving in together. He says he's trying to figure out if he lied to me because he's scared of committing, or if we're just at different stages in our life.I'm am going crazy. I wake up thinking about it, I go to sleep thinking about him. I feel sick all the time. I love him more than anything. Am I supposed to wait while he gets over his committment issues? And if he does decide he wants to commit, how will I forgive him for lying? How can he earn my trust back?Help!Signed,Coppedout
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female
reader, AskEve  +, writes (6 September 2007):
 Your boyfriend is going out and is enjoying himself. He's been used to the "single" life with his friends and is enjoying it. It may well be that he's seeing someone else or has his eye on someone else but what he's telling you is he doesn't want to be tied down to a committed relationship anymore. He wants to be free and single again and enjoy life before settling down with anyone. THAT is his prerogative I'm afraid. My advice to you is to lie low and let him get his head together. Don't wait around for him but move on with your life. It may be that he'll decide (during his break) that he misses you more than he thought and come back but if I were you I certainly wouldn't chase after him, it's up to him to decide here what he wants to do with his life.
Whether you decide to take him back (if he asks) is entirely up to you. He's obviously not ready to settle down yet, that's for sure.
Eve
A
female
reader, tobme  +, writes (6 September 2007):
 Well I have had a moment a lot like this one that you are dealing with. I hope my honesty and bluntness can help here! Well for starters, I know that younger guys do not want commitment. They are still trying the field or think they are not ready to settle down period.Alot want friends with benefits and if you wait you may never move on period.I was seeing a guy younger than my age of 33 and he was 26. We dated exclusively for 3 months and he would stay at my place weekly. Well on the 4th month he told me one nite as we went to sleep in bed.."It isn't you, its me and I am not ready to commit or move in or stay here anymore. I am sorry I have a lot to still do in my life and I need to complete that now. Please do not hate me understand me and I am sorry again. Maybe someday we can be in a relationship."Hell, he even left in the am with my apt key still on his key ring!Its been almost 6 mths and I havent heard from him at all and as though I liked him alot and was wishing we were still in touch I learned to move on and just be me happy.I changed my locks and sleep fine knowing he is gone and I am ok and nothing in my life has truly changed for better or worse.As far as "breaks" go..noone deserves to be put on the shelf for a later what if date!! His way of not being so cold is what I see and I have heard that "break" thing in my past and it NEVER turned out good on my part.All it is, is a "what if" scenerio period.He wants his freedom and will go out and see if anything better comes along.Sorry for you that you have to deal with such nonsense.Seriously we women deserve so much better alot of the times.Get support from your friends and family till you can accept fate and truly move on hun!! At least he did this now and not while he was married to you or further years down the road. :)It couldve been alot worse!
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reader, anonymous, writes (6 September 2007): aw you poor thing, i think your mind has been doing more than your boyfriend probably has! I may be wrong but i dont know the full situation.In my experience, when we are suspicious of someone cheating, stealing or lying (now dont go mad at me here, im not pointing fingers or accusign) but it normally means that we know we have been and done or know we are capable of doing that ourselves. Sad and horrid i know, it was a rude awakennig for me i can tell you.you need to figure out what you really want out of life, without out him in the equiation, then draw him in and see where the conflicts lye...if you can forgive him and he can go on with a clear consciounce then take it one day at a time. if even one of you has doubts, its not going to work and maybe you need to split...no contact...if things are meant to be, you will find your way back to one another, if not, then you move on with out holding out and waiting and comprimising yourself (making you more insecure) im going through this right now myself and i konw how horrid and painfull it is. I am reading a book called 'feel the fear and do it anyway' and its doing wonders for me... i wont say its not hard work..you can hardly read a book and miracoulusly chang eyour life...it takes commitment and hard work, but i can see a light at the end of the tunnel and that means more than anythnig to me...my life isnt all about who can give me security, pleasure and happiness. i need to find that in myself first, and then that special someone will come along... i have faith in that.
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