A
female
age
26-29,
anonymous
writes:Okay so, me and my boyfriend have been going out for about 5 months and today I figured out he cheated on me...We have been arguing a lot lately and I heard through a friend that he was cheating and I addressed him about it and told him to be 100% honest with me and he lied...after that still not believing him,I texted the girl that he was cheating on me with and she said that he told her that we didnt even go out and that we didnt even talk...that really hurt me, I sent him screenshots of the conversation and told him that I didnt want to be with him anymore and he heartlessly just say okay without me having any closure. I instantly burst into tears and go to the bathroom to cry, because not only did he break my trust but he lied to me constantly (not to mention he accused me of cheating the other day and talking about how I dont trust him when clearly he was checking me for his own insecurities). The girl even told me that he was supposed to go out on a date with her. Am I stupid for wanting him back? I know Im only 17 but I really love him and the thought of living without him is killing me. Also, if he does want me back would I be stupid for taking him back?
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female
reader, YoungButNotNaive  +, writes (22 April 2014):
 Feeling like you can't live without the person is a relatively normal feeling right after a breakup. The way he dismissed your hurt feelings didn't help one bit.
However, 5 months is really not that long of a relationship. I know it seems that way. I was 17 not even a decade ago, so it's still a little fresh in my mind what I considered "a long time" to be then versus what I do now. Anyway, thank your lucky stars you didn't invest any more time in him. It could have been so much worse. I'm not trying to belittle your feelings, I'm just trying to get you to look at this in a more positive light.
You did nothing wrong. You can't control what someone else decides to do, and you no longer have to care what he does because you're no longer with him. By breaking up with him, you basically lifted (insert his weight) off your shoulders. And since he showed no remorse of his cheating it's more than likely he'll do it again in his next relationship. There's nothing about YOU that caused him to look elsewhere, and he doesn't care about the girl he cheated on you with, either. At this point in his life, he puts himself before others. Maybe one day he'll grow up, but you can't afford to waste your precious time waiting on him, especially when there is no guarantee of change. Besides, you were a faithful partner, so you only deserve the same.
Oh, and you did get closure. You showed him proof of his cheating and ended the relationship. YOU rejected HIM.
You're not stupid for wanting him back. Again, this feeling is normal after a breakup, especially if you didn't WANT to end it. But to actually take him back WOULD be stupid, or at the very least indicate you have low self esteem. He can't give you what you TRULY want, which is a faithful caring partner. You want HIM to be faithful and caring to you, but that's not who he is. Therefore you need to move on.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (20 April 2014): You're not stupid for wanting your boyfriend back. Not in the least. You just wasn't given a chance to let go. People don't really get a chance to have a happy breakup. It sucks. It ends terribly. Sometimes people part on good terms; but that is very rare.
You need time to allow this all to sink in. There is a stage after a breakup where you're totally in shock. You were hit with a lot of painful stuff. You found out he was lying. You talked to the girl he was cheating with. He was totally calloused toward you when you confronted him about it.
You have to let him go. He doesn't want to comeback, and he seems to want out of the relationship. You can't hold-on to someone who doesn't want to be with you. It hurts real bad.
You have to learn that you shouldn't hold on to a liar or someone who has no respect for you. He doesn't love you if he can do that to you.
Your feelings will change in time. When the shock subsides, you will realize how rotten he has been. You also have to realize the reason you were fighting was he was not happy in the relationship. It wasn't working. You ego his hurt because he chose another girl.
Look at it this way. You gave up a lying cheat. Now she's stuck with him.
You're not stupid. That's the way you're supposed to feel if you cared for him. What would be stupid, is taking him back after the way he has treated you.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (20 April 2014): You would be naive, not stupid. The decision itself (to take him back or even try to be "friends") would be stupid.
Let him go entirely so you can move on.
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A
female
reader, Ciar  +, writes (19 April 2014):
 You would be stupid to take him back, yes.
OP, having a quality life requires us to make difficult decisions. You've got to give yourself a chance to get over this instead of quickly trying to cover up the pain with methadone (which is what he is).
Without trying to sound patronizing, this is very early in the dating game for you and you will find so much better and be so much happier. Be the kind of person you want in a boyfriend.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (19 April 2014):
 I agree with Caring Guy on half of what he says, i.e. that we can't call you stupid just for being in love. The heart ( and the hormones ) want what they want, and often they have a stronger pull than that of even a very well developed brain.
For the restt, yes, taking him back would be stupid, STOOOOPID in fact. I read somewhere that a good definition of stupid is " knowing the truth and seeing the truth, but still believing the lies ". You know and have seen the truth, that he does not care about you, that he'd have zero scruples in cheating, that you are disposable to him , that he'd keep you around for convenience while he goes after something different, that he does not love you, and , frankly, that he does not even seem to like you that much. ( Sorry for the brutality, but it's not superfluous and unwarranted, I want to drill my point into your head ).
But, you are anxious to believe the lies that he'd tell you to lure you back- that he does care... that it was all a stupid mistake... that the other girl was chasing after him and not taking no for an answer .... blah blah blah.
Now THAT would be stupid. Maybe being in love is never stupid ( although, what about the expression " being a fool for love " ? :), but , in the name of " love " , accepting betrayal, humiliation, disrespect , indifference and cruelty , well, how smart can it be.
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A
male
reader, CaringGuy  +, writes (19 April 2014):
You're not stupid, and you must't be harsh on yourself. You care for this guy, and it's natural to feel the way you do especially when you've just been very hurt by him. It's normal to panic and get scared when you think you'll lose someone you care for. It's not stupid. Don't think that.
What you do have to do with this guy is look at how he treated you, and really think about why you really want him, and whether he is really worth your time. He lied to you, and he clearly lied to another girl about your relationship. He cheated. He continued to lie to you. Then, when you got the proof, and you told him you didn't want to be with him, he just brushed you aside and that was it. To to it off, he even accused you of cheating!
In other words, this guy has no respect for you, and doesn't care about you at all. So, you're not stupid. He is. And he's really quite cruel. And, to be honest, I don't think he's good enough.
It's never stupid to love someone or care for them. But you need to think really carefully about letting someone like this back into your life. He did it once, and showed he didn't care. He will do it again, especially if he knows you will let him get away with it (and taking him back after all this would prove that you would let him get away with it).
You're only 17. I was 17 when my first girlfriend cheated on me, and it hurt. But each time I've met someone else, they've been better than the last. The same will happen with you. You'll meet someone better.
Don't take him back.
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