A
female
age
41-50,
*ope4betterdays
writes:I still care about my husband but I am ready to move on and better my life and the lives of my children. I have been with my husband 9 years now but for the last 6 years my husband has not worked and I have been the one supporting our family usually working two jobs. When my husband stopped working it was to better our family and go back to school, and 2 years later he received an AA degree then went to get a bachelors he is now a couple credits shy of that degree but he has not went to schoool since 2005 as we had no money to send him to school. I have tried to get my husband to find a job but it had been to no avail. My husband has an ex-wife and two other children he has not paid child support for in years and he has been going to court since 2006, the judge had even ordered him to get a job and he just hasn't. Now this year he is serving his second time in county jail for not paying child support. This has now caused me to be seperated from my children because I could not afford daycare and so my childern have stayed with my dad. I have since relocated back closer to my father and found a new job. I just am tired and I want to leave my husband but am I wrong? Should I be giving him another chance? I did marry him for better or worse. There are several other things that my husband has done to make me resent him. He has taken the last few dollars in my checking account to by beer or cigerettes when I needed lunch money for the kids or has taken my last dollars for gas and then I had to scrounge up change just to get to work.
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ex-wife, money, move on, shy Reply to this Question
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female
reader, hope4betterdays +, writes (10 November 2008):
hope4betterdays is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for all your answers I believe that I knew and have known what I need and want to do but at times you just need that extra push to move forward. Sometimes I believe we stay in situations because we are uncertain of change even though it is for the best.
A
female
reader, bemused  +, writes (9 November 2008):
 I am going to add my voice to the other posters here. Irish 49 states it clearly. A marriage union is all about mutual support. Your husband has not understood this in the past and continues to not understand it. You mention you are tired, depleted and what other outcome could there be...you have been pulling a difficult load on your own.
Now you are wondering about giving this relationship another chance. This is only human, even though most of the times have been bad you have a shared history with this man and he is the father of your children. Sadly though, in most cases the best predictor of future behaviour is past behaviour...his is not pretty. Jail time is not good..not a good influence for your kids. I would agree that you need to consider letting this relationship go. It does not have to be acrimonious on your part but it seemed to have run its course. I would concede that when this man sees he is about to lose you, he might, just might pull it together but you cannot bank on this happening. Your heart is warring with your head....so sorry this is happening but we are all routing for a better day for you. Take care hunxxxx
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (9 November 2008): I am sorry you are stuck in this sad situation and no, you aren't wrong. You are fed up and who can blame you. . Marriage is supposed to be a mutualistic relationship, where both people build a life together, both contributing efforts, making sacrifices and contributing financially to the proper care and wellbeing of the family. Sounds like you have been doing this all on your own. You state you believe in marriage, and that you married for better or worse. Well, dear this is the worst and from what you said, and it sounds like you don't have a marriage.
Sounds like you have been doing everything, all on your own. So with that in mind, it appears your husband is doing everything he can do to undermine this marriage, isn't he? Everything that's happened in your marriage, is a complication of not doing what he needed to be done then and what he needs to do now. He has grieviously let you and the kids, down. He seems not to care whether the kids have food on the table, whether or not his children from the previous marriage are looked after.
Your husband does this, because like some people, he likely seems certain, that you will not leave him. So if you won't leave, why should he change now? What's in it for him? You've done the best thing, you need time to think and regroup and think where you want to go. You have removed yourself and you kids from the situation. I recommend you stay that way. There may be struggles, being a single Mom, but you will be less one mouth to feed, you won't worry about him taking the grocery money and the anxiety and stress will be lessened a great deal. A much healthier, sensible situation for you. And having kids that depend on you--you do need to remain healthy. --both mentally and physically. All you will have is, yourself and the kids to worry about. Stay where you are and accept all the help and emotional support from your family, that you can get. You and the kids will need this, more than ever.. I also suggest you consider legalizing this separation and in time, when you have your thoughts and feelings in place and you are stronger...I suggest you get that divorce. I am sorry I haven't more hopeful advice but the reality is...he's not pulling his weight..he's just weighing your life down. Don't tolerate this. Good luck and all the best to you and the kids.
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A
female
reader, huneygyrl +, writes (9 November 2008):
 This sounds all to familiar.
Honey, I have to say....I understand. The reason why I understand because I've been through something similar.
What's wrong with wanting to better yourself and having a better future for your kids? You want better yourself. You deserve that and better. Especially for your kids.
Have you discuss this with your husband prior to serving his time?
My daughters dad also have two kids from his first marriage. I've taken them in as if they were my own. He served his time in the brigg (military jail) for fratanizing. He lost everything...benefits, pension, retirement...everything what the military offered. He could have retired in a few months with keeping all of it. Unfortunately, he screwed up big time. During that time, I was pregnant with our daughter, taking care of his two kids from his first marriage, household chores, doing homework with his kids, taking his son to football practice, putting up with his sons behavior issues, his sons poor grades in high school, finding a condom falling out of his sons wallet, caring a full time government job....the list goes on. When he got out of the briggs, he was devasted, depressed, down and out. I needed him to carry his weight around and in the house. My income was the only one caring for five people. He applied for state assistance, which helped however, child support from his ex wife wasn't coming in. I was getting angry, frustrating. I use to cry myself to sleep. When he was suppose to be looking for a job, he's been cheating on me while I'm doing all this. I was so hurt. I forgave him. We worked things out. He did it again. I left. To make a long story short, we can also do better without the one thing holding us back from improving ourselves, which is our better half.
Be happy with yourself.
I will keep you in my prayers.
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A
female
reader, SugarCookie +, writes (9 November 2008):
I say that its time to move on and worry about your kids and not your husband. You are not blindsiding him with the divorce the no money has more than likely been the cause of many fights.
If you have your dad to depend on you will be able to work less and be able to be a part of your kids life. Its time to move on and dont feel guilty. Your husband is selfish.
Sorry if this is a little messing I'm cooking dinner!
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A
female
reader, vamp-gal  +, writes (9 November 2008):
 I see nothing wrong with you taking your children and leaving your husband. Yes you married him for better, for worse, but the thing is, he hasn't exactly been pulling his weight, he hasn't gotten a job, you need a break. You also said you should give him a second chance, you also said that this is his second time in county jail for not doing what he's supposed to be doing, I think that was his second chance.
You could talk to him, ask him why he hasn't gotten a job, why he hasn't been helping you support your children, in the way any father should, I'm guessing you have asked him about it, but make it clear to him that if things don't change, you will leave with your kids, maybe that will get him motivated wanting to keep you and your children.
You really need a break, you shouldn't have to handle working 2 jobs and be a mum as well, you love your kids, and will do anything for them, and to do that you're working yourself harder, but I don't think that's very healthy.
Talk to your husband, talk to him about the situation, if he still doesn't change, you may have to do what you're thinking of doing, which is the last thing you want, but somethings have to be done, for your life and your childrens.
I really hope things work out for you and everything turns out okay.
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A
female
reader, boo22 +, writes (9 November 2008):
 hi, run for the hills girlfriend! dump this guy please. he's just a millstone round your neck dragging you down. don't you think you deserve better? think about the effect your marriage must be having on your children. do it for their sake at least. good luck x
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