A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Hiya, my boyfriend cheated on me two years ago I agreed to give him a second chance we have a family a house now. We didn't do these things to fix the relationship I found out about the cheating after we had settled.I find myself thinking more and more why am I with this person? They only came back to me because the other girl didn't want him. I mean he's proved he wants to be with me now but it's not the case for me. My question is how do I leave him? I have taken a whole year to come to this decision. The relationship isn't the same and never will be I want to let him down gently.Am I being selfish to do this 2 years later?
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (15 September 2012): No, this is a common thing after a couple of years.The first year is just work on finding out about what happened, and recognizing the full impact of what happened.the second year is more of dealing with what happened in your own mind, and getting by day to day.But, eventually, you have to learn to truly live with what happened, and the impacts on it in your long term life, and that is very hard. Most marriages don't survive it.That is OK.It is OK to realize that for you something essential has been lost.It may be that he hasn't done enough to show his remorse.It may be that you haven't done enough to accept what happened.If you are done, then finish it.If you are not sure, then get MC and work on the marriage.
A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (13 September 2012):
 For some people there is just no getting over the betrayal of being cheated on. It will always linger and infest the relationship.
And THAT is OK. At some point you will have to reexamine your feeling and find a way to forgive him and yourself, because that is the only way to let things go. However, that doesn't mean you HAVE to stay in a relationship that no longer makes you happy.
Once trust have been broken other things start to erode. And you end up finding yourself having no respect or love for the other person. It happens. There is no instant cure to "fix" that. You will feel the way you feel.
The thing is in order to "move" past issues like this in a relationship BOTH parties have to put in a lot of work an effort, now if he didn't I doubt he really regrets what he did. He is just hoping the rug is thick enough to hold the dirt you two swept under it. If you know what I mean.
Figure out how to split your assets, who gets to stay who gets to move out. Get your ducks in a row so to speak and then sit him down and tell him how you feel.
Learn from this lesson.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (13 September 2012):
 I don't think it is a matter of selfish or selfless.
It is just , that the relationship has run its course. You don't love him anymore , he does not love you anymore ( he came back just because the other girl did not want him ). You can't trust him anymore , because he broke your trust and trust it is difficult to rebuild, some times you can, more often you cannot.
No love,no trust - the relationship it is over , it is an useless , empty shell of a relationship. I do not doubt that it would be easier keeping it up regardless for practical reasons ( house, money, kids ) , but often the easiest solution is not the best one.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (13 September 2012): It is selfish to a degree. Unfortunately when you forgive someone for cheating, you also agree to put the past behind you and work towards a better future with that person.
Obviously you can't help how you feel, and you're going to have to do the best thing for you. I think the problem is that you didn't think this through thoroughly enough at the time, and you underestimated your own abilities to forgive him.
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A
female
reader, jinxx  +, writes (13 September 2012):
 No, you aren't being selfish. It was big of you to want to give him a second chance. It's not your fault the feelings just aren't there for you, anymore.
Just tell him you have tried to move past what happened, and be happy, but you just can't seem to get there. You've thought about it for quite a while and this is what you have decided would be best for you.
It's hard to end a relationship, but in your case, I think you're making the right decision.
Good luck !
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