A
male
age
51-59,
*metjb
writes:So, my wife and I have been married 12 yrs, and have always been admired for our relationship. About 6 months ago she started sharing her office with a single man, who quickly turned into her "guy friend". Since then, she's spent a lot of time with this person who I've only met once. By that I mean she spent a week on a business trip with him, hangs out at his apartment, does happy hour, and recently spent a day with him at a double header MLB game. She also brings home and does his laundry, amongst other things. I trust my wife, but this just doesn't feel right in my heart. I confided my feelings about this to her, and since then she's told her friend of my "jealousy". Any attempt going forward for me to be friends with this man will awkward at best. Are my feelings justified? b Where should I draw the line? Or should I?
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female
reader, ImmortalPrincess +, writes (30 May 2012):
 I believe you have every right to be concerned, and I agree with AuntyEm.....DO NOT befriend this man, because they will then use that friendship as a means for him to wiggle his way even deeper into your lives.
I've seen this exact same scenario play out with my best friend, and it didn't end well.
Her husband became friends with a female coworker, and they started spending a lot of time together. My friend decided it was time for her to try and befriend this woman. Well, that was all her husband needed in order to escalate their affair. He started bringing her home from work with him, buying her gifts, inviting her to join them out on their family activities, and constantly texting her when they were not together, all while telling his wife how stupid and insecure she was for being jealous. This woman even began doing and saying things to pit the two of them against each other. When they were around all their friends, they had little glances and private jokes going on between the two of them.....lots of snickering. It made all of us really uncomfortable to see how he treated his wife in the presence of this other woman.
Well to make a long story short, he eventually kicked my best friend and their infant son out of the house, and moved the other woman in, and they are now married.
Talk to your wife, and set boundries......if there is truly nothing going on between them, other then an innocent friendship, she will respect your marriage vows and agree to those boundaries. If she gets angry and defensive, then I would say that it isn't innocent.
A
female
reader, PerhapsNot +, writes (30 May 2012):
 Business trips, going to lunch and rounding up several co-workers after work hours is completely fine. Hanging out at their apartment alone, doing their laundry is when it goes into creep mode. Frankly, it wouldn't surprise me if she is having an affair with him. This is not right or normal.
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A
female
reader, natasia  +, writes (30 May 2012):
 I think you should insist that this guy comes round and spends time with both of you. I think that in every relationship where one or the other has good friends of the opposite sex, it is only really after they have been thoroughly checked out by the spouse, and generally time is spent together, to establish boundaries. This relationship of your wife's is a strong friendship, but it is undermining her marriage, which is a serious issue, so she should know about it.
As for the laundry ... what do you mean by 'do'? Does she just shove it in the machine and then roughly dry it and chuck in a black bag? Or does she carefully and neatly lay all the items out to dry, and then iron them nicely? If she does the latter, that is a sign to be taken note of. Women don't do that unless they really care. And why can't he do his own laundry, anyhow?
OK, those are my main thoughts for you, and what I advise is:
Tactical play: Tell her ok, sorry, didn't mean to seem jealous ... let's have the guy over for dinner so I can get to know him as well. And then, get to know him ... and make some superior joke about the jealousy ... and appear supremely comfortable and unshaken, and keep your hand on your wife's knee a lot. As the evening continues, make your affection for her clear.
Look - you're a guy. Just give him the message. You don't have to say it. Just put your arm round your wife, or some other proprietorial gesture, and give him the look ... the look that says 'she is MINE, so bugger off' ! That's what men do, isn't it? Women certainly do that!
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A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (29 May 2012):
 Perhaps you should have "drawn the line" sometime back...
But, now you're where you are... so draw it (the line) NOW!!!!!
What you described in your submittal/question is NOT a "healthy" arrangement between two people (of opposite sex) who "just happen" to be cubicle mates!!!!!
Wake up!!!!
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (29 May 2012): Dude, Grow up man... which sane wife will do laundry for some other man ? Its written all over - 1 week business trip, happy hours without YOU, visiting apartments .... Come on ... be practical ... She is having a double life ... Fix it soon.... Teach her about her priorities - Tell her that her attitude is questionable and that it might lead to a divorce if she does it. She needs to fix it. Also ensure that she is not sleeping with that guy. Coz it seems highly plausible given your description.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (29 May 2012): She goes to happy hour, baseball games, and spends time in his apartment, then washes his clothes? Are you kidding me?
She fucking him for sure. Tell her to quit the job or end of the marriage. Would she accept you spending baseball games with your secretary, washing her clothes, spending time in her apt, and going to happy hour with her? NOPE. You would be branded a "cheater".
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A
female
reader, dontwanttogiveup +, writes (29 May 2012):
I think you have every right to be concerned. I mean she is obviously spending more and more time with him and less and less with you. I would definitely try talking to her again or even suggesting he come over for dinner to give you a chance to better access the situation. It would bug me too if my fiance disregarded my feelings when I told him I didn't like the situation.I've often read on various websites about relationships to trust your gut feeling so if your gut feeling is telling you something is not right I wouldn't disregard it. I am not saying your wife is doing anything wrong but if things continue I would definitely figure out a way to see if there is anything else going on there. Try talking with her first and see her reaction and meeting the dude to see how they act. Pay attention to body language and if you think something is wrong try to find out. But do not accuse her of anything unless you know for sure something is going onI hope things work out good for you and I am sorry my advice seems so negative but as a woman that lives with her fiance and barely wants to do his laundry that definitely seems weird to me and all the time they spend together even away from work.
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (29 May 2012):
 Ya know I was going to say you were overly concerned until I got to “she also brings home and does his laundry”… Heck I barely do MY laundry.
I’ve had “work husbands” Men I get very friendly with at work but it’s clear to them from the get go that I am taken and NOT interested in anything other than friendship.
I personally think you are very justified in being concerned…. Her behavior with him is a bit over the top. It’s ONE thing to be friends at work. Even if it goes OUTSIDE of work (but then partners/spouses should be included)…
She’s acting like a love struck teenager… It may not be more than a bad crush and bad behavior on her part but you should tell her, enough is enough… NO MORE doing his laundry, NO MORE hanging out at his apartment without you and a date for him. Work with lunches will be fine…. At least that’s where I would stand…
although it's very very had to get an emotionally cheating spouse to see what they are doing....
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A
female
reader, AuntyEm +, writes (29 May 2012):
 You are absolutely justified to feel anxious over this... your wife is acting like a single woman and also a fool!!
It's one thing to make friends at the office...it's a totally different thing to hang out at their place and do their laundry!!! Would she do that for a female colleague??
The fact you have discussed this with her and she ran right to him to declare you were jealous...well to me that sounds like she is using that to gain even more of his attention...like a bit of a joke between them at your expense.
Sometimes we are so engrossed in who we believe a person to be, we become totally deaf dumb and blind to their bad behaviour...and your wife is behaving badly.
Do not befriend this man, If he intends to steal your woman he would still do it under your nose but somehow I feel this is all being driven by your wife...she could stop all this nonsence right now if she wanted to...so why carry on?
Time for a very indepth chat, do not just voice your concerns, point out to her that what she is doing goes way beyond friendship and she needs to explain to you exactly why she doesn't think this is wrong...
Unless she gives you a very good reason, I would start laying down the law.
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A
female
reader, virgin18 +, writes (29 May 2012):
 I believe you are justified to feel like you are feeling. Couples should have their own friends and spend time with them every once in a while but when couples have opposite sex friends I think that a more firm line should be drawn. Trust is one thing and it is good that you have that but going all the way to do the guy's laundry? Really? I would start getting worried if she spends more time with him than she does with you. You should talk to her about it and tell her you do not feel comfortable with the amount of time she is spending with this guy, or you should just go out with them. She should respect your feelings as well as you should respect hers, but even I (being a young woman that is in a committed relationship) would feel right about something like that... So talk to her if you haven't done so, and draw the line.
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A
male
reader, no nonsense Aidan +, writes (29 May 2012):
I think you need to explain to your wife that this is not about jealousy, or a lack of trust. It’s about the fact that, whilst she should of course have friends (male or female) and spend time with them, it’s important to make time for each other and your relationship too, so agree to spend quality time together as a couple. And why not get to know this friend better too: you don’t have to join them every time (you should let them have time together as friends too) but why not suggest a dinner, a drink or something where you can get to know him a little better? Finally, taking his laundry home and doing it for him is a bit extreme: he’s a grown up, he ought to be doing that sort of thing for himself.
I wish you all the very best.
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