A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Hi I am getting married next may.Next week we are having our engagement party. We have been together for 2 yrs. I have not met his 2 best friends yet as they live interstate. They will be coming to the engagement party. One is his best mate who he grew up with ( a male ), the other is his good friend ( a female ) who he met through his best mates sister. They are both single and party animals by the sounds of it. Anyway, I have had a gut feeling about this chick for a while so last week I just came out and asked him if she was an old f*** buddy of his and he promptly replied YES! I was shocked, mainly because he never told me and probably was never going to which makes me wonder what there was to hide... he says he just figured I would not want to know....I have told him I am cool with him still being friends with an old f buddy but am feeling uncomfortable about it all. That is all I have said, I am waiting until I meet her to decide anything further.But whether I like her or not, I really don't want a guest at our wedding that used to sleep with my partner.... I think it is inappropriate and distasteful, even if he is still good friends with her. She is single and would come alone to our wedding, it will just make me feel akward.Am I being over sensitive? How can I address this issue without having my partner resent me for feeling like this? Our wedding is going to have like only 50 guests. And I sure as hell am not inviting anyone I used to sleep with!! And I am still friends with alot of them too.What do you all think about this situation? I appreciate everyones opinion on this !!!Cheersworried bride to be
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (30 September 2009): [Mod Note: This is from the original poster.]Well now I have met her....I tried to like her I really did, I tried to be nice, I really did. I don't know whether it is the whole deceipt that turns me off ( the fact that their history was kept from me for so long ) or the fact that I just don't gel with her...She made me feel uncomfortable and said inappropriate things throughout the night that just didn't go down well with me. Such as that my partner will always be her (his name) and she will always love him. This was said to a work colleague of mine that had no idea who she was and came to me in shock asking me if she is an ex because she seems very much in love with him.We just don't have anything in common, she is bogan, I am not saying I am any better than her, sure we all go through our bogan years but she just didn't grow out of party drugs, sleeping around etc like most of us do. My partner obviously has grown up alot since keeping company with her and I find it difficult to understand exactly why they are still friends when they seem to have nothing in common... he hardly spoke to her the whole weekend which made me wonder just how much she does mean to him.I sure hope I mean alot more to him than what she does because it has come to the stage that I would rather not get married than to feel so uncomfortable on my wedding day which is supposed to be perfect. May sound selfish and maybe it is, but I can't help the way I feel, I just wish I knew how to tell him.If he asked me to cull a friend that I used to sleep with I would completely understand. It is just inappropriate and very distasteful in my eyes. Unfortunately we sent out the wedding invitations to long distance friends with the engagement party invitations so she is actually already invited. I did not know their history when we sent them out.Not impressed, have really got myself in a sticky situation and it pisses me off that I can't just let it go. I feel pathetic for feeling so strongly about this but like I said, she made me feel uncomfortable and I can't help the way I feel.I tried, I really did.Anyone got any advice?cheersworried bride to be
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 September 2009): it is your day and you can choose whomever you may want at your wedding AND whom you should strike off the invitation list. and make certain you tell your fiance this as well.(the trick is being tactful when you tell him) be coy and loving and oh so sincere
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A
male
reader, eddie  +, writes (7 September 2009):
 Anything to do with a marriage/wedding etc can turn into a hornets nest realy easy. Women tend to get caught up in the planning and there almost always seems to be stress and hurt feelings over something. Yes, people do become over sensitive. It's usualy the bride, bride's mother or one of the women in the bridal party.
What problem does this ex Fbuddy pose to you? It's hard to imagine that on your special day, after all this planning you still feel threatened by this woman. Don't forget that whether she is at your event or not, that doesn't change history. He is with you and that is what counts. If this person is really a friend of his, what position do you think yo're putting your husband in? It is his wedding to.
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A
female
reader, k_c100  +, writes (7 September 2009):
 Its difficult because you say she is his best friend (one of two anyway). So I imagine that your best friends will be attending the wedding, therefore it is a little harsh if his best friend cant attend.
I dont think your being unreasonable - it would make any women feel a bit uncomfortable to have someone her husband to be slept with at her wedding. And with it being a small wedding, there is definitely no room for ex-partners! If she was just a friend rather than a "best" friend then I would say just dont invite her, but because she has this best friend status you might just have to allow her to attend.
I think you need to have a chat with your partner about this, just approach it calmly and be honest and I'm sure he will appreciate that you just want to talk about this with him. dont make it into a "I dont want her there because she had sex with you" situation. Instead just say that you understand she is a good friend to him but it makes you a little uncomfortable about her attending the wedding, and would like to know what he thinks. Asking for his opinion on the matter rather than laying your opinion down on the table straight away will mean you have a proper talk about it rather than an argument.
Explain to him that you would not think of inviting any of your friends who you have slept with, even though many of them you still speak to. Hence why you feel a bit weird about inviting her.
I'm not really sure what else you can do on this one - if she really is his best friend then maybe it would be best if you just allowed her to attend the wedding. It will help keep your partner happy and even though you will be uncomfortable, you will be the bigger person and everyone will respect you for that. At the end of the day you are getting married to the man you love, so nothing will spoil your day! It will be wonderful whether she is there or not, and it will make your partner just that little bit happier that his best friend is there too. And if you do end up inviting her, your partner will really respect you for being ok with it. Just make sure you voice your concerns with him first and see what he has to say, then make your decision from there!
I hope this helps and good luck!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (7 September 2009): I think you should sit down with your partner and tell him exactly how you feel. Tell him you're a bit worried about her coming to wedding and see what he says about it.
But remember, he's with you and he's getting married to you, not her.
Go and meet her, maybe have a drink with her and see what she's like. If you really don't like her and still have the same gut-feeling then you don't have to invite her. It's your wedding.
Hope this helps! x
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