A
female
age
41-50,
*aurajane1983
writes:Right this is going to be a lil long and I do apologise. Basically ive been with my man for years we have three beautifull babies together but I dont know what to do next. This relationship has been anything but easy but I love him dearly and know there is a good guy in there he just gets lost often. My guy doesnt work he cant hold down a job and doesnt have that many friends. My family hate him because of the trouble hes caused over the years, his family hate me because he landed in jail recently for attacking me they blame me because I shouldnt have called police on him yet again I should have dealt with it myself. I dont trust him but up until now his only saving grace was I didnt think he had or would cheat on me. However, recently problems are arising again whilst I was on holiday with our kids he was out every weekend on one occasion he went home with a girl from a club and the girls brother I did speak to him while he was there and when the other girl asked who that was he shouted out my baby mother, at that I hung up because a baby mother means its just the girl you knocked up and had your child. When I got back of my holiday he suddenly had loads of new numbers on his phone, some girl called him I repeatidly asked who it was whilst he was on the phone but he didnt answer me, he told her he was spending the day with his kids, why not say he was with his family? He told me this girl called him and he simply returned her call (the one he went home with from a club) I got her number and called her to warn her off and she told me I should get my man in check as it was him calling her not other way round. Hes always deleted his messages and call lists but recently this is really starting to bug me and when I ask him what does he have to hide he just tells me not to be silly its something he has always done! The final straw was this weekend he went out on the friday night for a mates birthday bash, turned up at mine the next morning my gut instinct told me something was wrong so I asked him to be honest had he ever cheated on me he promised he hadnt. Then in the afternoon I noticed dodgie stains in his boxers and they smelt of sex, when he defends himself he always gets agressive generally but this time he was really timid "baby I promise you I didnt you have to believe me, I didnt change my bs at mums so theyre from us the other night (he doesnt live with me anymore but is here 99% of the time, im almost 100% he wasnt wearing them particular boxers though as I can remember washing them and he was in different ones with a different logo. I just dont know what to think anymore. He has a go at me for always checking his facebook as he doesnt mine, but Ive never given his reason to doubt me, when I check his I have found him giving his mobile number to an ex from school days but even on facebook he deletes the private messages the only time I see them is when a reply comes in and I retreve all the threads. He told me when he got here yesterday morning he had to go stay at his mothers last night as she wanted him to go bournemouth with her the next day (today) but last night decided he couldnt be bothered. Ive phoned her land line today just and shes at home which to me tells me he lied she wasnt going bournemouth today it was a cover up for something else he was of to do. My kids love having there daddy around and I want it to work but I dont trust him and dont know weather its all in my head or not. Its been like this for years, he promises to stop drinking total which hes almost done yet still goes out and drinks then (he has a drink problem and can get violent when drunk). Every promise he makes me he always breaks. I feel like when he has nothing to do the kids and I are good to be around but the minute his phone goes hes off out to more fun pastures. Ive always felt second best to everyone and thing else. He is really affectionate when here, helpfull and kind but if the phone goes with an invite hes off out. What do you guys think? In the past he disapeared all night after giving me the run around waiting for him, after trying to call him all night the next morning some girl answered his phone to tell me im just the baby mother we werent together so he can do what ever he wants (at that time our daughter child number 2 was only a few months old) he promised nothing happened when he turned up his arguement it wasnt his fault he was asleep hed never have let her answer his phone if hed been awake, he couldnt understand my attitude that he shouldnt have been there in first place as that day he had taken the kids to his mothers for the day and decided to pop out and leave them at hers if I hadnt got a lift down there the kids would have been left there all night as he never went back for them. Its like when he met that girl in the club he couldnt understand why I was so angry as in my eyes you only go home with some one from a club for sex, his attitude I was just making friends. Sorry this is so long I just need some outside advice.
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male
reader, rcn  +, writes (7 September 2009):
 First, you can't be at fault for his behavior. You are, however responsible for yours. Why are you staying in a situation that is not good for you, and will end up being not good for your kids? He's really trampling over your relationship and doesn't have much respect for you. All though you said the kids enjoy his being around. Sometimes the best thing for them and you is to allow them to enjoy their father in his home not in your home. You need piece of mind and focus on raising your kids without this additional drama affecting your ability to do so.
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