A
male
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I’m 27 and have never had a girlfriend or any kind of relationship for that matter. I just can’t understand the why of it all. No woman has ever wanted me. My love just isn’t good enough for some reason.I’ve gone so far as to ask my friends for advice on this topic and even they have no ideas why I am unable to attract women. I’m5’9, 150 lbs., have a pretty average build and am good looking by most standards. I put in four years on active duty and have a total of six years in the military. A little over a year ago I decided to go back to college to finish my four year degree and have really enjoyed being back in school. I have a pretty good size group of friends too as I’m involved in the fraternity on campus. Ask anyone I know and they’d say that I’m a very easygoing, friendly, and genuine type of guy. I have my moments where I can be quiet but I can also be very outgoing. I do have my quirks just as anyone else does. I have a relatively mild case of Tourette syndrome which causes a few motor and vocal tics (No, not shouting profanity. That’s a very rare and severe form of Tourette’s) and a slight limp from an injury sustained on active duty. I have a hard time believing that a woman couldn’t look beyond these things I have no control over. Am I wrong to think so?I just don’t get it. Relationships just seem to come so easily for everyone around me. My two friends I still know from high school are both married and the majority of my friends at school are in relationships. It hurts to see so many happy couples around. I’m happy for them, but it’s a sinking, empty feeling in my chest to witness what I can’t find. I’m just not seen as potential boyfriend material for some reason which is a complete mystery to me. Try or don’t try, look or don’t look, it doesn’t seem to matter. At the end of the day I still eat a good portion of my meals by myself, go back to an empty room, and fall asleep alone while my friends are spending time with their girlfriends. I’ve even tried a few online dating sites in the past with no success there either. Am I really unlovable?
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limp, military, never had a girlfriend Reply to this Question
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female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (13 September 2012):
 So you met this girl and said.....
Then she said....
And you said.....
And then she said......
Let's get to some specifics here so we can figure out how you can meet someone and ask them out on an actual honest-to-goodness date.
If you've been active service then there's nothing to fear, am I right?
A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (13 September 2012):
It's funny to read the word "frat" as my brother was very involved in his and that abbreviation was avoided, in fact, I would say it was actively detested!
So it's not the typical fraternity in the university system? Great.
Most people do start dating before the age of 27.
So when you were 14, 15, 16, 17, and your friends were beginning to date, you were..... doing what?
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A
female
reader, Dorothy Dix  +, writes (13 September 2012):
Hi again. (Message No. 2).
The worst thing anyone can ever do, is to compare what they have to what others have.
When you do this, in your own mind it makes you feel less than.
The main thing is you want to be happy.
And at the same time as I say this, you want to be happy in the right situation and with someone truly worthy of your love.
Not just "Anyone".
And you definitely DO NOT want to have just anyone, just so that you can say you have SOMEONE.
So for that reason, you need to be very careful about what you wish for - because it might come true.
Sometimes, it's far better to be really happy and on your own, than to have someone who makes you very UNHAPPY and treats you badly.
You need to feel "whole" as a person to begin with, and meeting someone nice, will then complement your wholeness.
Because they will be someone who shares your life, rather than someone who you need, so you can survive throughout life.
If you only feel like half a person without someone special in your life, well then you will still feel like half a person, when you DO have someone special, and they are not there with you.
"Anyone" is NOT better than no-one.
So DON'T feel you want to have someone - "anyone" - just so you are NOT alone.
That could be the biggest mistake of your life, so don't ever go there. It's a really bad move.
You are the only person who can make you feel happiness. No-one else can make you happy - only you can do that.
The responsibility for our own happiness lies with us, and no-one else.
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A
female
reader, Dorothy Dix +, writes (13 September 2012):
Hello again. Perhaps when you saw that lady who you got along well with on the previous evening, she may have been put off, because you became over eager to please her on the next night.
Or at least, it could have come across that way to her.
Sometimes, people can interpret over eager to please behaviour, as possibly being controlling or even pushy in some way.
So without your realizing it, you could have seemed a bit overbearing in some way, and taking it for granted that it would all continue on from how things were on the previous night.
Unfortunately, you can't always take things for granted and assume they are a certain way, because things can quickly go sour and without any knowlege of why.
So this can make things rather frustrating, as a result.
It seems strange that you both got along like a house on fire the previous night, and then suddenly she turned cold on you. And for no apparent reason.
She could have simply had a bad day.
Or, maybe she didn't hear you say "Hello".
All you can do now, is if you see her again in your travels on the campus, don't make a special effort to walk up to her, but just if you happen to pass in the hallways or out in the grounds, you could give her a friendly smile and perhaps say "Hi" to her, and keep on walking.
And don't stop walking unless she does, and starts a conversation with you.
Otherwise just keep on walking.
It's also possible, that finding yourself a girlfriend is the main thing on your mind at the moment, and the other interesting parts of your life get put aside once you DO get talking to some nice girl.
Because your thinking then goes - "Mmmm, she's nice. I wonder if I will see her again after tonight?"
And so then, you become one dimensional and the rest of your personality and your life, kind of gets a bit forgotten.
Because then you start to focus mainly on - "I really want to get into a relationship, NOW."
Even if you aren't consciously thinking that exact thought at the time, it is still going on over and over in your mind - in the background.
And it will show in your conscious behaviour.
These forgotten things when you are talking to a lady, are all important parts of who you are.
And you want a lady to know these things about you, as it truly is your chance to shine.
For example, things like:-
(1) What type of music you like.
(2) Books you like to read.
(3) Movies you like.
(4) Shows on televison you enjoy watching.
(5) Sports you enjoy watching or participating in.
(6) Your ideas about life and it's greater meaning.
(7) Your interests and hobbies.
(8) Good restaurants.
(9) Types of food you enjoy.
(10) Let your sense of humour shine through, don't suppress it.
The list goes on and on. You can fill in all the gaps yourself.
It could well be, that in conversation with a girl you really do like, that your desire for a relationship overpowers your desire in getting to really know each other.
And it could be getting in the way, as a result.
A bit of an inner battle between the two.
So as others have also said here, it might be a good idea in expanding your own life and building up your confidence generally.
When you feel confident as a person, it will always flow on over into all other parts of your life.
While you were in military service, and because you were probably often away for months at a time, it would have inevitably been very difficult for you to sustain any relationship, as it would have been too lonely for the person back home.
As your situation now seems to have changed, there will no longer be those long absences and you will be able to have a normal relationship where you see each other a few times a week, like most other people.
Perhaps when you were referring to having difficulty in meeting girls or seeing them again after a couple of dates, you must be talking about while you were in the military and were going away all the time.
It's a whole different ball game between being in the military and not being in the military.
Two totally different lifestyles. There really is no comparison whatsoever between them.
First now, you need to gain more self confidence, and the rest will be easy.
You need to believe in yourself, and that you WILL meet someone special when the time is right.
You can't rush it though.
Everything in good time.
The more you do with your life to make it interesting and fun, the more likely you are to meet lots of different people wherever you go, and it will far increase your chances of meeting that special someone.
It will broaden your horizons.
So don't confine your social activities only to campus fraternities etc.
It's a little too limiting.
You really want a life WITHOUT limits.
It's the only way to go.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (13 September 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI should probably give a little background on the fraternity. For one, our chapter of the fraternity has a dry house. The members are allowed to consume alcohol, just not anywhere on our property. Because of this, any event we put on is inherently dry. You really have to take whatever preconceived notion of a fraternity you have and throw it out the window when it comes to us. We have no pledging, as any form of hazing is not allowed. Instead we encourage interested new members to spend time with us and get to know the brothers and learn what we are all about. These are just a few ways we differ from your average “frat.”
I can’t say that I’ve ever considered dating someone else with Tourette’s. Then again I can’t say that I’ve ever met anyone else who has Tourette’s.
No, I am most definitely not professing love really early on. That really would put someone off. I don’t know that I would call it bitterness but it is really frustrating being so unsuccessful with women. After all, most people begin dating well before the age of 27. I feel that I missed something earlier in life that now puts me far behind guys my age. Being my age at school does make me somewhat of an outlier. Everyone I know who is my age is already married and looking at starting families of their own. Tell you what; returning from a deployment to nobody really hits you hard. That was my first deployment. Everyone else had a wife or girlfriend at the airport to welcome them back. I ended up walking back to the barracks and cried when I saw my empty room exactly as it was left eight months before.
As for military background, I’m in the Air Force with a job in security forces; basically the Air Force’s version of Military Police. I served two years stationed in Germany and was deployed twice from there. Once to a support base in the Middle East and once to an undisclosed location. I spent the next two years stationed in North Dakota working around nuclear weapons. Since then I’ve gotten out of active duty but still train with a local reserve unit.
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (13 September 2012):
Have you considered dating someone else with Tourette's? I ask because there are support groups for people with it and maybe all you need to do is find someone who knows exactly what it's like to have a tic and be just a tiny bit different than the 'norm.' Whatever that is.
http://tsa-usa.org/aPeople/LivingWithTS/LivingTS.htm
So did you ask the lovely girl for her number when you were talking to her? If not, why not?
You say, "my love just isn't good enough for some reason." Um, are you professing love really early on? I doubt you are but that is a very dramatic statement and sounds very bitter. Could it be that you are now bitter and show it without realizing it?
If you are amenable, we could try to do a post-mortem on your last encounter with the girl you thought was cute. You give us the dialogue, her body language, and we can try to coach you so that the next time you meet a cute girl, you have a focus and a plan to get her phone number.
One thing I have to point out, is that you are 27, have served in the military (thank you for your service, where did you serve?) and may be a bit older than the usual group in a fraternity. Are there others your age there or are you an outlier, age-wise?
Tell us about your military background, which branch and are you active in the veteran's groups? I think there would be no one better to tell you what you need to do than a friend (female, preferably) who served with you. "Dude, women don't want you because _________." Maybe that isn't what you want to hear but as you were active duty you know about doing things you don't really want to do, am I right?
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A
female
reader, BondGirl72 +, writes (13 September 2012):
 I apologize...you said it was not a fraternity party, it was a social event. I still stand by my statement that some girls would not even consider going to a fraternity social event. So, consider some other options and be active in getting to know, not just meeting others. Take an interest in them, ask them questions, see what you have in common, etc.
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A
female
reader, BondGirl72 +, writes (13 September 2012):
How could the girl you met be so flirty one night but so cold another? It's called "fraternity party". You need to get out of your zone and mix and mingle with all kinds of people. Not just people who attend fraternities and fraternity parties. Perhaps the type of woman who would like you...does not like fraternities and would never consider going to one of their parties.
None of what you do is off-putting, but like Stacy says...if you are putting out some kind of vibe that we don't know about, that could be it.
Are you asking women directly if they would like to go out for coffee, a pizza, or go see a movie? Are you friendly and non-threatening? Did you initiate contact with your fraternity girl? Did you approach her, ask her how she was, or just assume she wasn't interested? You can't assume women aren't interested.
I have ignored many men in my life primarily because it is always up to me to make contact, intiate conversation, make plans, etc. I've also ignored men because they don't make eye contact, smile, take an active approach in getting to know me, many times do not even look excited to see me, etc. I don't have time to mess around with men who are wishy-washy types. I am not saying that is what you are, I am just telling you what I, as a woman, want and look for.
If you think you are doing everything right and still can't find a steady relationship, then it is possible the type of woman you are meeting is just not interested in a relationship either. When I was in college, I was so busy I could have cared less about having a date let alone a relationship. I worked, went to school, and commuted to and from class, so I was very busy. Once I was out of school and had a full-time job, the pressure was off and I felt like dating and sharing my life. It's possible a lot of the women you are meeting are the same way.
You might also consider attending a church service...or better yet...going with a friend.
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A
female
reader, Stayc63088 +, writes (12 September 2012):
 Ok I have talked to a couple of different men who are in your type of situation. It's hard to tell by talking to you through here what your problems could be when speaking to women or how you come across.
To answer your first question, women can look past the facial tic and the slight limp. If you have a great personality these things can easily be overlooked. If you are overshadowed by these things and let it affect your confidence then they are noticeable.
You can try what bondgirl said because that sounds nice if it's good for you. Or you can try online dating again. I had luck with it and so have 2 other posters here. With online dating you need to be patient. It takes men a lot longer to meet a woman than a woman to meet a man on there. Also you need to make sure your profile looks good. I have helped a couple of male friends in the past with their profiles. To them it looked great, but when I read over it as a woman I saw everything that would be overlooked or turned down by other women. When I helped them out they got dates within a couple weeks. Photos are also important. You can think the picture looks great but maybe get a second opinion on what's your best look, have a friend take good shots of you. Also it matters which site you are using. Free sites are garbage and you wouldn't meet a quality woman through there. I met my husband on match.com. I sound like the commercial but it's true. I didn't have access to tons of friends or a fraternity like you do though so you can try both and have even better luck.
You are certainly not unloveable. You may be putting off a vibe that we can't tell from here what it is. Or you may be trying to go after the wrong type of women. You didn't mention really getting turned down so I'm curious if you do try? Or do you wait for them to come to you? The dating game is all about confidence and how you portray yourself. Whether online or in person that's what it comes down to. Regardless of a facial tic or limp confidence will get you a girl. So I'd suggest rechecking your online profile and spicing it up a bit, making sure it has correct grammar and looks appealing, nothing too personal or down. Take some new good pictures that show your interests. And get off the free site and onto something substantial. Then in person relationships do as bondgirl suggested and talk to people. Dress nicely, show confidence, joke and laugh. Don't come off as someone who is trying hard for a relationship.
If you want to you can message me on here and talk more about dating profiles. I've got a lot of experience with them. And remember you aren't unloveable. Actually no one is unless you are a serial killer, but even then someone probably still loves them. Feeling that way will probably show and turn people off though. So realize your potential! You are a good guy who would make a great boyfriend and a girl would be lucky to have you. Remember that and you will have the confidence.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (12 September 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for your thoughts everyone. It’s just really frustrating trying to find an answer to ] what seems to be an answerless question. I have actually tried online dating sites that are not free. I’ve been on eharmony and match along with free accounts on plentyoffish and okcupid. I even had friends and family look at my profiles for their input and they seemed to think they were pretty good.Maybe saying relationships come easy for everyone I know wasn’t quite the right way to put it. I’ve seen problems come and go in their relationships. That’s not what I was trying to say. It’s that they seem to have no problem at all getting interest from women who genuinely want to spend time with them. They are seen as desirable while I for some reason am not.I do actually meet new people quite frequently. My fraternity is very involved on campus and we have quite a few social events we put on. Just the other day I met an interesting girl at one of our events. We hit it off really well talking for most of the night. I saw her the next day at an event highlighting the many student organizations on campus and she barely even acknowledged my saying hello. How could she be so flirty and welcoming the night before and not 24 hours later be so cold towards me? It’s either that or girls just want to be friends with me; never anything more. I’m never even considered as a possibility.School keeps me busy to some degree, but I do have a few hobbies I enjoy. I like woodworking, fixing things, reading, pretty much anything outdoors, or just plain hanging out with friends and seeing what comes up. Over the past couple years I’ve even taken up home brewing. I also do some volunteering here and there; Habitat for Humanity being a favorite of mine. I’m also an assistant scoutmaster for a local Boy Scout troop.Am I just missing something? What about all of this is so off putting to women?
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A
male
reader, SensitiveBloke  +, writes (12 September 2012):
 I would suggest you try dating websites again, but not free the ones. Get a good photo and write some interesting info about yourself.
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A
female
reader, BondGirl72 +, writes (12 September 2012):
For starters, if relationship come "easy" for everyone around you, you must be living in one perfect place. I have never known relationships to come easy for anyone.
My advice is that you might be a good-looking and nice guy, but if you aren't smiling at every woman you pass by, if you aren't actively trying to be friendly to women, if you aren't actively trying to talk to women and just ask how their day is going, if you aren't putting yourself in a variety of situations (from your local farm market to art shows to air shows), then you aren't trying hard enough.
You can sit around and pine all you want, but women won't just flock to you because you're good-looking and nice. You have to show interest and be friendly. A new challenge for you could be talking to 5 new people a day. They do not have to be women. Meet all kinds of people, talk to all kinds of people, and soon, some of those people will be women. The more people you meet, the better chance of finding a potential partner. The more you get yourself out there (and I am not talking about dating sites or bars), the better your chances of finding a partner.
We want exactly what you want. Someone who is genuine and who takes an interest in us.
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A
female
reader, Dorothy Dix +, writes (12 September 2012):
Hi there. I think it's entirely possible that perhaps you are trying too hard.
I realize how lonely it can feel when you see your friends with their girlfriends.
And very often in life, we don't all meet someone special at the same time.
It simply doesn't work that way at all.
Each time you DO go out on a date with someone, you are probably thinking to yourself the whole time - "I wonder if this one will work out well?"
The unfortunate thing about that type of thinking, is that it usually makes you act rather anxious and unable to just be yourself, and truly shine.
This then can make you appear a little too eager to please, and perhaps trying to do too much for your date, and it could come across as a being bit needy and wanting to get very serious, way too soon.
And this can scare people off from wanting to spend more time with you.
And it goes both ways also.
Meaning, there are also women who seem to find it difficult to get into a steady relationship, because of failed previous relationships, and this naturally causes them to lose a lot of self confidence, and they behave really anxiously whenever they DO go out on a date.
So then, what happens is they act over eager to please each guy they go out with, in the hope that this one will work out - but it never does.
So effectively, they can NEVER relax and be themselves.
They just scare each guy off, because the guy thinks they just want to get married - and SOON.
And I believe this is probably what is happening with you.
Unfortunately, it is a habit we all get into sometimes, because we are so keen to have something, that we unconsciously sabotage our efforts.
And so the cycle continues, sadly.
It can be incredibly frustrating, I realize.
And then we start to believe there must be something wrong with us.
What I suggest, is that whenever you go out on a date with a nice young lady, just DO NOT even think about - "Is it going to work out this time?"
Instead, simply focus on having a lovely night, and just having fun and enjoying yourself, and nothing more complex than that.
Take "The Future" right out of the equation altogether.
Focus ONLY on "Now", and having a wonderful, happy night.
And if the night goes really well, and you would like to see the lady again, well then when you drop her off at her house, ask her if she would like to go out again soon - and just see what she says.
The main problem seems to be that you are thinking way too far ahead, to what the destination will be. The destination, being the final result.
Life is ALL about the journey, believe me.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (12 September 2012): Hi,I've been dating my 29 year old boyfriend for 9 months now and like you before me he had never had a girlfriend. He too is still in the military and told me that this did put a lot of women off with the distance etc. We met online (so don't give up on that avenue)and all I can advise is you will met someone thats right for you. None of the things that bothered other women concerns me and I love my boyfriend very much I honestly cant understand why so many women let him get away but Im glad my gain!. And I know for sure that the right women is out there for you, its so much better to wait and meet the right person who loves you for you rather than date lots of women in relationships that lead to nowhere. Use this time alone to work on yourself, travel, take up a hobby, work on your career important things that will make you a happier more content person thus more attractive and confident. This will eventually lead you to the one thing you most desire. Good luck.
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