A
female
age
30-35,
*atie-Lynn
writes:Hello. I'd like to give a little background before any opinons are made so please bare with me. My boyfriend and I will have been together 3 years this coming October and we are both 22 years old going on 23. I have asked something like this in the past but I'd like to give more updated detail. I have this dead-on feeling that this is all in my head because this has been a problem of mine for a really long time now yet his feelings for me have never altered. Actually, since the last time I asked this question, he has called me his wife, stated many times that he wants to marry me, and that if by some reason I got with someone else he'd get possessive and try to get me back with him. Before I move on, he even bought me lunch at Taco Bell last Sunday. However, here is what's going on in my point of view. Again, lol.We have our ups and downs, sure, but that's hardly ever at all and it's typically of something other than each other cause we don't have problems with ourselves. However, the main issue that has been happening on my end is the fact that whenever we're apart until our next meeting, I feel like he is losing interest in me, cheating, and you can feel free to make the list bigger cause it'll just go on for days. He doesn't communicate with me with the technology we have such as fb, texting, and skype even though they are available all day every day practically. I'm always the one that says I miss and love you first and when he replies......it's not that he doesn't say it back, but sometimes he'll take hours or even a whole day to respond and depending on how I started the conversation it'll be only a few words while I'm making huge paragraphs. It makes me feel like a bother or that he doesn't love me cause I figure if you love and miss someone like you say you do that you'd act like it and even reach me first a few times while you're at it. He doesn't though, or rather rarely if I should say, and you get how I'm feeling already cause I stated it. What makes it harder is that I've had exes that has always kept up with me when I was away but I have friends that suggest that they were only buttering me up to get what they want. which could always be true. Look. I have friends that tell me that he talks about me a lot such as he can't live without me and talks really good about me in general. I always end up feeling so bad because the other thing is that we are really good when we're in person. The sex is great and he always tells me that he loves doing it with me. He loves snuggling, and just be around me. We don't ever have to feel like going out or anything. We can watch netflix and be perfectly fine and that's what gets me. We do so wonderful when we're together yet he doesn't show it as much when I'm away????? Everytime I bring it up, last night was the last time actually, He tells me that he thinks about and misses me all the time, is busy, and his friends don't like how he talks via text/fb either. Like that's all he ever says. He says he tries too and he does for a while but then he'll just go back to the old routine he has always had. We had a blow out, again last night, and I hated it. He says he's over it but I always end up feeling bad in the end. Why can't he just take a few seconds of his day to ask how I am or that I am missed? Or even I love you? I swear, It's so frikken hard. It wasn't hard when he first got with me so why the sudden change? Well not so sudden. It's been going on since the 6 month mark of our relationship. So yea. It's been a long time and nothing is actually changing. I jsut hate it cause I'm happier when we're together and I end up feeling like such a fool in the end. I've done my research already on that's how guys just are but it never hurts to ask another person's opinion abot my own special situation. Thank you for your honest and consideration. I really need it. Like seriously be honest. It's what I really want from all of this.
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female
reader, Katie-Lynn +, writes (24 September 2014):
Katie-Lynn is verified as being by the original poster of the question Thanks SeaGreen. Things are looking up already :)
A
female
reader, SeaGreen  +, writes (23 September 2014):
 Good! I'm glad you have nothing serious to worry about. It sounds like it's just your insecurities which to be honest I still have myself and I've been married 3 years to someone who has been loyal.
The best way I cope with these insecurities is to focus my attention on something productive when they pop into my head.
I'm sorry to hear you suffer from General Anxiety Disorder. Try to keep your head up and from my view it seems like you have a lovely boyfriend who like most guys can drive you crazy at times. :)
Take care and try not to worry about it!
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (19 September 2014):
 I just would like to add :
" if others can do it... " ( he can do it too ).
1 ) He can, but he does not HAVE to. Everybody have our different ways to show we care and to carry on a relationship and to express ourselves within it, why it has to be ONLY your way ?
2) Those guys who can text you all your " I love you " " I miss you "... where are they now ? Not with you. They have broken up with you, cheated on you, probabaly lied to you.... talk is cheap. Where's your non texting Bf instead ? Right there, loving you, making you happy, and putting up with your antics :).
If you suffer from Generalized Anxiety Disorder, ... it seems I was sort of close to the mark. There's something to fix, so to speak, ... in yourself, not in your Bf or in your relationship or in the way he communicates
( Although, of course, if he wants to do a little effort to meet you half way, that's not forbidden either ! ).
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A
female
reader, Katie-Lynn +, writes (19 September 2014):
Katie-Lynn is verified as being by the original poster of the questionFor some reason it won't show the names I've mentioned but what I wrote in my update was for you too WiseOwlE. At a certain paragraph I started talking to everyone as whole. I don't know why it took those words usernames out.
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A
male
reader, Xearo  +, writes (19 September 2014):
It sounds like he does more than his fair share in the relationship. You need to wake up and realize that you need to become someone he can depend on and not someone who is only dependent on the other.
Try to find something to do during the day that is perhaps meaningful because as it stands, you are just letting your thoughts get carried away again which is nothing more than a bad habit for you. You are only nitpicking and pointing out issues that has no substance to it. Instead of wondering what he can do for you, try asking what you can do for the relationship.
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A
female
reader, Katie-Lynn +, writes (18 September 2014):
Katie-Lynn is verified as being by the original poster of the questionSeaGreen,He doesn't seem to be all that active online and as for how often he hits people up on his own, It doesn't seem like he does either and I'm not just going by what he says cause he tells me this too. This is why I made the point that his friends get bothered as well cause he also told me this. No, I do not have any 'real' reason to think he is cheating. As for being protective over his phone, fb, and email, that isn't so because we look at each other's fb, email, and phones just for the fun of it and because we have nothing to hide. Lastly, I don't have my eyes set on any particular woman cause it just hasn't happened. Nothing has made me suspicious to look for a certain woman. As I said in my question, I've had it where an ex would stop contact with me and in the end he was cheating so I have baggage.Speaking of baggage, I have General Anxiety Disorder according to you asking if I was mentally-ill. Yes, I have compared him to others but not in malice and I would use it to show that if others can do it I just don't see why it's so hard for him specifically. Thank you for the blunt honesty. I asked for it for a reason and I got it. It's the only thing that helps. As for an update, my boyfriend wanted to talk on the phone because he wanted to tell me something funny that happened to him that day, tell me that he wanted to see me, as well as apologize for some of the things he told me in our blow out 2 nights ago like I've mentioned. I told him I forgave him but also told him it was fine for him to be the way he is. He doesn't have to talk to me like I'd want him to and should do it when he really wants to. I mentioned how I''m just not used to that kind of communication and also how my ex cut contact with me and cheated before he broke up with me in a very wrong way. My proposal was that I would downgrade or water down how often I reach him and that he knows where to reach me if he so chooses cause it feels forced when I do what I do. I found it hard to believe that he told me 'not' to do that and to keep doing it. His reason behind it was because if I were to stop he'll start thinking I don't care. That's when I told him "Then why should I keep reaching you to let you know I care if that's what I've been wanting from 'you' to show that you care?"He got silent and said he'd try. I just told him that I made myself clear and that I was still just going to keep myself busy but that doesn't mean I don't care. Otherwise I wouldn't have been like this about us communicating often to begin with. But yea. Here's the update if anyone wants to add anything.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (18 September 2014): After three years the solidity of your relationship is well-established. Time to outgrow your text-dependency. Learn how to put down your devices, and go about life in the adult-world without a digital-crutch. Realize that just because you hit the off-button on the phone, you didn't delete him from existence. He exists in the real-world, in real-time. He doesn't fit in your smart-phone.
Your separation anxiety is very similar to that of an infant left alone in a crib. Crying for her mother to pick her up to constantly reassure her; because she panics when she doesn't see her mother around. Mommy refuses to pick her up; because she knows the more she does, the more spoiled and bratty baby becomes. So baby is left to cry on her own, until she realizes mommy has other things to do, and being left alone isn't reason to panic. She'll be back.
Baby learns mommy will return, and boy will she be glad to see her! Greeting each other with huge smiles! Now baby knows mommy will be back later, so hmmmm what's that rattly thing for, what's that colorful thing circling over my head with the pretty music? If baby knows better, so should an intelligent articulate young woman in her 20's.
Mother calmly knows there is no emergency, nor is the child in distress. The child just requires too much coddling and hasn't learned what independence is about. To a baby, their lack of understanding would lead to distress when they feel too alone and helpless. They are dependent on our coddling and frequent contact; because they don't understand their surroundings. They lack mobility. They can't talk yet, and ask for things. They can't put their feelings in words.
As an adult, you should know better. You require far too much reassurance after three years. You want him to gloat and fuss over you. That would be silly, forced, and unnatural behavior for him.
He hardly gets a chance to miss you, because you don't allow it. You sulk the minute he steps away for air to breath. He must call you every other hour to remind baby that daddy's still here. He assumes he has a woman at home. Not an adolescent whiny schoolgirl.
Don't you dare compare your mate to others. That is not fair. You don't want to be compared to other females. That is a huge no-no!!! He offers you what is unique to who he is. He is not competing with how other people treat you.
You selected him for the qualities HE possesses. Remember?
You have had three years to grow a little faith in your boyfriend and your relationship. Believing in what you can't see, being confident something is there. That is trust and faith. Relationships die, if there isn't enough faith and trust to sustain them. Wanting more pampering and affection is very reasonable, and all you need to do is snuggle close and get it when he's there.
Distract your mind and when he's not. So when you do hear from him, it is not to extinguish childish anxiety; but to sooth you with his affection, and lift your spirits. He shouldn't have to think about you 24 hours a day. I had a very loving relationship for nearly 30 years, and I didn't think about my partner every hour of the day. I had work, friends, family, hobbies, and a social-life all zooming around in my brain. It was a lovely surprise, if he happened to find time in his busy schedule to give me a call. I only required he let me know unexpected changes in schedule, or if he wasn't going to be available; and I "trusted" him to update me at his own discretion. He had a sense of freedom; and loved me enough to let me know all was well with us.
He is dead, but to this day, I know how loved I am and was. He wasn't all gushy with affection, but I "coached" him to be comfortable with showing affection. I made sure I was not the puppeteer of his emotions. I also put a safety-valve on my neediness. I am a very affectionate guy, grew up with hugs and kisses all my life. So if I felt love-deficient, I said so. I'd get an unexpected hug from behind. Hear some silly comment to make me laugh. Find an unexpected gift. Not because I expected them, because that's his way. Don't pout, whine, or overreact. Notice small things that you might be overlooking while you expect "Hollywood-style" or phony-magazine article expressions of affection. Men don't really act like that. If they do, it's an act. You don't walk around in pearls and heels with dinner on the table precisely at 6:00pm every evening either. Rolling out the red-carpet when he comes home.
I had to be a grown-up if I wanted a healthy and enduring relationship. You'll learn over time. You're very young and these things come with experience. Trial and error. So I understand you fully. Been there and done that.
You have to make "baby" stop demanding so much attention.
You are overreacting and you know you are. People have to be free to express their feelings spontaneously and in their own way. Nowadays people try to allow their insecurities to dictate and manipulate their romantic partners. It just gets absolutely ridiculous. Every sane human soul on the planet has some kind of insecurity.
That's what makes us human.
Maturity and intelligence is how we manage our insecurities.
If you're mentally-ill, you are not expected to have the capacity to manage them; so you seek treatment for them. If the world danced around our insecurities, we'd all be like a bunch of cats on a hot tin roof. There would not be a calm and reasonable person anywhere.
You have a constant deficiency for reassurance, and that is immaturity. The more you demand, the more you will wear at your partner's nerves. Until he gets sick of you. It will make him pull away, and you'll start fighting a lot. Don't believe me? Just keep it up. My guess is, it's happening already.
He doesn't have to talk to you if he has nothing to say.
Sometimes people like peace and quiet. They talk all day on the job, they want time to decompress and just relax with the person they love most, when they're home with you. You're his source of love and affection. His rock, and his support-system. His woman, not his "baby girl." That's a term of endearment I often use myself. I don't mean it in a literal sense when referring to a full-grown woman.
Give the man a break from his devices. Save some lovin' for when he gets home. You'll be twice as glad to see him, and he had all day to look forward to seeing your sweet face.
You know daddy loves yah! You don't have to be a baby about it!
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A
female
reader, janniepeg +, writes (18 September 2014):
 I would like a guy to tell me he misses me too. I would feel the same way you do but would try not to compare with what other people do, especially exes. At the end, would you like to break up over not getting enough texts in between if he's really a great guy? I have dated guys who thought I was breaking up with them if I didn't reply in 30 minutes to guys who would not pick up the phone. There is always one that seems to be loving the other more. To bring that balance back you have to tone it down because people are not motivated by pressuring. I used to be one who says "I hate texting. It's for teenagers." Now I regularly text my boyfriend. At first it was hard to get used to because you can't say one thing over and over again. I developed my creativity, humour, and actually find that repeating something can deepen a bond. It's all about being flexible. When you see that being upset and changing him didn't help, you can try changing your lifestyle. Fully enjoy your day without worrying about contacting him. You may see that even if you don't talk for a day, it does not mean losing interest. Maybe at the beginning it feels like out of sight out of mind for you. Your mind needs to make an adjustment because he's expecting you to get excited to see him again while you feel distant. You may explain to him you can't just pick up where you left off without reassurance. Do it for sometime to see if this is workable until it feels natural to you.
My honest opinion is that he loves you. It won't do you anything good to fight over this. You don't want him to feel forced and do something unnatural for him to keep peace. If he slowed down on the texts after the 6 month that's because the first few months are about knowing details about each other. There's danger and the worry of losing the other. Now he's comfortable with you. It doesn't mean losing interest. It means he trusts that even when you can't be physically together all the time your relationship is still solid. I notice you try to generalize guys. Some guys who do text a lot have insecurity issues. So it can be a good thing that your guy feels safe in this relationship.
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A
female
reader, SeaGreen +, writes (18 September 2014):
How often does he text other people? How much time does he spend online on FB?
Are you sure he's ignoring you or is it simply because he doesn't communicate that often with the phone or FB with anyone?
When he is out with friend's I can understand him wanting to spend time with them and not worry about texting you.
As for cheating....do you have any reasons beside him not contacting you regularly? Any other ladies that you specifically are nervous of him contacting or that he contacts alot? Is he protective of his phone, email and FB?
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A
male
reader, olderthandirt  +, writes (18 September 2014):
 My 'gut reaction' is as follows; We men have very low tolerance for lengthy discussions. When you speak to him try to keep your message brief and to the point. Long paragraphs(like youmentioned) will irratate most men and they will tune out. I'm sure he's interested in you it's probably just a typical male response to too much ionformation. I mean, he did take you to Taco Bell and all so, it's not like he's not interested in you. He just doesn't want to listen to long periods of gobbledy gook while he's concentrating on other things. Sorry but that's my spin on it. Good Luck.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (18 September 2014): Honestly i cant stand how your bf treated you. If i were in your place, i will give him peace n silence for good. I wont even bother to explain why. Jerks deserve to wonder n get confused too. But it wont matter to them.There are caring, thoughtful and sweet available guys out there who will be happy to text call n see u without asking for it.He changed because he knows he got u under his spell.one word from him like love you. He knows u'll buy it.You always do. When it seems to me he really dont. His just saying what you want to hear. It is very easy to say i love you australia. Even if people dont really love austrslia. You see what i mean. Think of yourself.You love your bf so on ur end you wamt to talk to him tell him how you feel most times in any kind of communication available.If he feels the same way u do. He will also do the same thing for u. He won u over. He got his prize sex n u. So he felt his work is done.Im so sorry. I have to be blunt than to give u false hopes. Boys will be boys.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares +, writes (18 September 2014):
Mine is surely not the opinion you want , and it goes against the grain of a world that lives plugged to FB and Twitter and all that as if they were on life support.
Your bf is a sensible guy, who loves you plenty, shows it all the time when you are together, but also has a life, friends, responsibilities PLUS he is not much of a texter / FBer etc ( personal tastes ). Plus, he has not told you or maybe not even realized it, but at some level he must feel that it is not his job to pander to your insecurities and boost a frail ego by making you feel loved and remembered and coddled and fussed over 24 hours a day.
He has shown you ( at least so you tell us ) love for the last 3 years, by his actions and words, to you and to other people. It's not his fault if that it's not enough to make you feel all loved up and you need DAILY reminders of it. You KNOW he loves you and likes you and wants you etc.,he has proven it - why does he have to say it ALL THE TIME ? When you ask this, it's like showing him that after all you don't trust him and you do not believe him , ... that you think he must have been bullshitting you with all the affection and desire he shows you.
And it's also like those things are just a fix to make you feel better, and you always need higher and higher doses.
I think also that your bf is a patient gy and must like you very much, because ,pardon the bluntness, you sound as clingy and needy as they come, and that's very hard to deal with even for a loving man.
But, why does he not do it just because you'd like to ? Just to please you and keep you happy ? Isn't that a good reason enough ? Well, he tries - but , being that you require that kind of fusional, all consuming love and attention that's ott for many people, he tries and then he slips back to his regular ways, to what feels normal and comfortable to him.
It's not that he has lost his interest, it's ... no, not even a bait - and - switch. Just, everybody starts very full on at the beginning,because subconsciously they are tryng to be what YOU want them to be , to " fidelize " the customer- once the relationship is stabler, it's not that they lose interest, it's that everybody can just relax and chill a bit and focus on other stuff, beside the love story, KNOWING ,by then,that the other person is yours and he/ she is not going anywhere. Pretty normal I'd say.
Try to strive for a compromise, it's always the best solution. Like, he calls you once for a nice chat between dates, and you let him breathe the rest of the time- or whatever solution works for you. He cranks it up a little bit, and you tine it down a bit (or, a lot, I am tempted to say :).
Finally, like in everything , there's a silver lining in this situatuion. If I have to judge from the letters we get at DC, apparently people who spend a ot of time on FB and other wonders of modern socialization, may end up with meeting with a lot of distractions and a lot of temptations and a lot of possible alternatives.... from YOUR point of view, the more he stays away from his PC or smartphone.. the safer it is for you.:)
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