A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:I live in the States and my husband is part of the national fire team. Every summer he goes out with the "team" to manage and fight forest fires. Has anyone else had any experience with this; meaning if there are romances that go on within team members, do they sometimes have affairs while they are away from home so frequently and for so long of a period. We have been together 5 years and this is the first year he has acted like he didn't want to come home. Since being home, he's been extremely crabby and short tempered and he finds fault with everything I do or say. He talks about going out on another assignment and that seems to be his obsession. His behavior is very strange. So I asked him about it, he dismissed my questions and picked another fight. I guess I gave him ammunition, but he used to look forward to seeing me at the end of his 3 week stint and we'd spent time rebonding. Now he makes me feel like I'm an imposition. Could it be that he's become invovled with one of his female team members? He travels with the same team for most of the season, and new members join from time to time. Sometimes I see photographs of different women, some are quite cute. He did remark that one woman told him she liked his hair (kind of wild and curly in the mornings, like he just got done having sex). Am I reading too much into his behavior. I know he is also tired when he comes home, he just usually doesn't act this mean towards me. Any advise would be appreciated.
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reader, anonymous, writes (14 June 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThe last female annon (June 7th post) made the most sense! Thank you so much for taking the time to respond. Your answer was well thought out and appreciated and really painted a picture that I could not have understood more clearly without those details. I think I may be over reacting and perhaps underestimating how tired and stressful the jo really is because he handles more stress then the average bear and never misses a beat. Luckily I have never accused him of having a fling at fire camp. I have occasionally asked about one or two females in the photos (what their jobs were, not much else). Sometimes I playfully tease him about making all the ladies laugh (he's known for his humor)and hopefully they aren't seeing his behavior as flirtateous. He says no so I don't persist. Our bonding time usually includes getting back into our routine like watching movies, hanging out with friends, I usually fix him his favorite foods and give him amazing sex. When he's grouchy it makes it hard to do these things successfully. This last time, we were like two strangers living under one roof. No matter what I did, he grumbled. So to update everyone, he seemed to be more like himself after about 7 days of fussing at me. It was odd, but things seem okay now. I have no idea, but I appreciate your help.
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (7 June 2011): Chances are if he's out fighting wildland fires he probably doesn't have enough time to screw around. After 12 or more hours on the line your going to go back and crash as your to tired to do anything else. But like has been stated when you spend a lot of time with someone in a life and death situation you can become extremely close just like soldiers in combat. That doesn't make soldiers gay.
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A
male
reader, freeme  +, writes (7 June 2011):
 Based on what I know from what you have posted, it sounds like he may be losing interest in your relationship, but I don't think it follows that he is having an affair.
Here is something to consider. Do you have peeves about each other? Does he have some big peeves about you? If so, it could be that he is talking with some of the other females and sees that they don't have these peeves. Then he comes home to you and these things that bother him, and blamo, explodes.
That's a bit of a wild guess, but it leads to my point...
ASK HIM. Try and communicate! That's the key here.
Why do you feel upset when you come home to me? Is something I am doing upsetting you? Good Luck.
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A
male
reader, spinnaker +, writes (7 June 2011):
 He may be gravitating toward the familiarity of his team mates and away from you.
Right now to him, maybe the fires probably make more sense and are easy to deal with than his marrage. It may be easier to communicate and interact with his teammates than it is with you right now.
What typically happens when he comes home?
Can you give all of us an example of what is involved in "rebonding?"
Does he have any friends or family members around that he interacts with when he gets home?
As far as an affair, surely anything is possible but for that to be the case there should likely be some more behaviors aside from his teammates remark, his rudeness toward you and wanting to be back in the middle of the burning woods.
Is he sneaking off to make phone calls, or unusually and unreasonably guarded about his internet or phone usage?
What you describe almost sounds like he is a returning war vet.
People with harrowing and stressful jobs do undergo changes over time. PTSD manifests itself in many different forms: incuding outbursts of anger.
While it is good that you have come on here for our help, might I suggest you see a counselor just to have someone to bounce ideas off of in real time?
Mind you I am not suggesting that you have a problem but with this breakdown of communication between you and your husband, a counselor help you practice other ways of communication that at this time might succeed in reaching your husband, because it seems like you are going to be carrying the load on this for a while.
I hope this helps give you a little understanding.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 June 2011): I'm one of those females. I don't work for the US Forest Service, which is what it sounds like you're referring to, but for a state wildland fire agency I shall leave nameless. Very similar job classification, identical duties, only difference is we don't typically leave the state.
Can I tell you for certain he is not having an affair with a woman on his crew? No, but a variety of factors make it unlikely. When you spend three weeks on a fireline with the same group of people, typically you all get close. Very rarely, though, does it become an "I really want to bang you" kind of close. After three weeks of sleeping in the dirt, wearing the same clothes, blowing your snot rockets and scratching your bug bites in front of one another (the list goes on) you know your fellow firefighters really well, but not in a particularly attractive context.
Throw in the fact that the fire service is a really small world (seriously, I have seen grown men gossip in ways that put high school cheerleaders to shame) and the questionable legality/ethics of getting involved with a coworker especially if you outrank them or they you... I don't see your husband being dumb enough to, pardon my French, shit where he eats on this one.
The job itself can be addicting, and if this is your husband's problem he would certainly not be the first. You see it a lot in guys who are set to retire... either they put it off and put it off, or they do retire but end up coming back to teach or to consult because they literally can't let it go. I recognize this and have still been in several relationships that failed because of overdedication on my part and inability of my partners to accept the corresponding time commitments (not that they necessarily should have.) Point being, it happens. This job puts a lot of strain on relationships; there's a reason the divorce rate in our profession is so high.
I'm sorry to have gone on in such depth, but basically my advice would be this. Talk to your husband and tell him how you're feeling. Do not frame it as an accusation that he's cheating on you with a crew member, because that's going to make him angry and defensive, ESPECIALLY if it's not true. Stress that you support him in his calling, assuming of course that you do, but explain that you're concerned about him and about the health of your relationship, and see what he says. Go from there. Good luck :)
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