A
female
age
51-59,
*L1003
writes:I've recently asked a question, but for my new question I need more advice on how I've been feeling on a deeper level. I'm in a LDR where I temporarily live in China for work and my boyfriend in US (13 hr time difference). I've known him for 4 years (before China) as great friends and co-workers. We started communicating on WhatsApp immediately after I moved to China and quickly started a relationship. Neither planned it, but we've both said how happy we are that we've found each other and that the distance is only temporary. It's been about 7 months. We're both in 40’s mature enough to know not to invest our time if we didn't feel it was worth it. We've communicated daily the entire 7 mos. through WhatsApp and call when able through WeChat (3-5 times a week and talk 20 mins – 1 hr mostly..…on occasion longer). We both have said we love each other and both have said we're soulmates. We always say we miss each other. When we first started communicating our feelings he was really good at spilling his heart through text. He would text me back almost immediately and he’s text where very heartfelt and flirty. I should point out: the 4 years I’ve known him and worked with him he never was very wordy when it came to text or email. His work emails were always shorthand. He’s an executive and very busy at work. He’s even said I needed to learn shorthand. When we started talking on the phone he’s just as open and heartfelt. He always makes me feel great….tells me he misses me and loves me. When we video he looks so happy to see my face and always blows kisses at me. The issue I'm having is he doesn’t share his heart as much through text like he used to and he’s not as quick to text me back. He always text me back but not as quick and not as heartfelt…he uses his typical shorthand. EX: He would occasionally send me sweet heartfelt goodnights when he was waking up because it was my bedtime. Now I never get a goodnight when he wakes up from him anymore. I’ve said I loved it when he does that because it makes me feel special. He’s great on the phone, but we do not get to talk everyday. I miss the daily heartfelt text. How do I get this point across to him without sounding needy…or should I even bring it up? Am I making a big deal out of nothing and putting too much value into text messages? Some days I feel like I need to hear his heart and miss his heartfelt text he would send. …because I miss him so much. Any advice?
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male
reader, Wheeler +, writes (10 January 2016):
 You stated that the two of you worked together and knew each other for four years prior to you moving to China and then beginning a LDR. Why, do you think, did the two of you not start a relationship until AFTER your move?
The reason I ask is that I am curious as to how well you knew each other prior to starting this relationship? Was your communication via text (at the beginning) a start-from-scratch type thing?
What happens sometimes with LDR's is you have that initial period where you are getting to know the other person through text and phone conversations, which can be VERY long. Inevitably, you will have a "cooling off" period, whether because of personal or schedule-related issues on either end, or because one or both parties are just not used to so much talking.
It's a natural part of the process, and most likely not a big deal. Unless, of course, you MAKE it a big deal! :-)
My advice to you:
First of all, you need to try and back up and get some perspective. From what you have described your BF is very loving, and maintains a rather high level of communication even though you all are 13 hours and half a world away from each other. I give your BF high marks for his patience and openness.
To be completely honest and upfront, you have picked a very small problem and allowed it to grow in your mind into something that is substantial. In reality, you have a lot to be thankful for, and a lot to build on.
Second, and very importantly, do you ever give him a chance to MISS you? I am not saying that you should be distant, or abruptly stop communicating, but perhaps you should just give him a little space? Give him a chance to initiate a little more. Continue to be kind, of course, but maybe don't push for MORE quite so much right now, and instead focus on other things a little more on your end. Give the relationship room to breathe.
When you are in a LDR, and don't have the face-to-face time of a traditional relationship, you can sometimes begin to subconsciously create a checklist of things that you use to determine if things are "okay" in the relationship. How he greets you when you call, whether he asks you to hold while he talks to someone who is present, how often he uses terms of endearment, or which he uses, how he ends the conversations, etc. When you have a lot less to work with, everything takes on greater significance.
Try to be more flexible about these things, especially if the relationship will continue to be long distance. The more understanding you are about these things, the more your relationship will thrive. And that's what you want, the LDR to not just survive the distance, but to thrive in spite of the distance.
Hope it works out!
And...relax. :-)
A
male
reader, no nonsense Aidan  +, writes (10 January 2016):
Thank you for the kind words about my advice. Yes you need to chill and stop worrying. Can’t you see that he just doesn’t want to do the important stuff by text? Naughty texts are one thing. He probably gets turned on by the anticipation, the taking time to read your naughty text, compose a reply and waiting, wondering what the next one is going to be. Naughty texting is all about the teasing, the mystery, the anticipation, the excitement. When it’s your deepest emotional feelings, it’s much more important than sex, it’s about your feelings for each other. I simply believe, as I said before, that this is too important for text messaging. Do you really and honestly think that the speed and elegance of his text messages is any real guide to how he feels about you?
Respectfully, however much you post about this I think you’ll always get a similar response. This is just something you have to learn to live with. An LDR can quickly deteriorate in to trivial arguments because you’re not always there to remind each other what it is that’s worth fighting for. I think if you let this fester and eat away at you, your unhappiness will grow and grow. You should try to distract yourself too and keep busy. That may be hard but I think you honestly can’t be dwelling on this all the time or needing his instant attention to feel okay about things.
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A
female
reader, DL1003 +, writes (10 January 2016):
DL1003 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you no nonsense Aidan for your advice! You give great advice. I meant to add that we do talk about sex and wanting each other all the time too so we get into naughty text as well. I don't have issues with text like that. I guess maybe that's one thing that bothers me most.... His naughty text hasn't changed at all. He response well to the naughty and not as much as before to the heartfelt text. Would you say that's "normal" and nothing for me to worry about? It is hard being so far away and he does handle it better than me since he has way more to distract him from missing me...i.e. busy work and has 2 kids.
Do I need to just chill and stop worrying?
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A
male
reader, no nonsense Aidan +, writes (10 January 2016):
Do I think you’re putting too much emphasis on texts? Yes, to be honest. He’s busy too. He doesn’t like text messaging as much. He probably feels that he does not need to be so demonstrative by text message because you are chatting so often on the phone and on video, which is much more personal. By all means, if you want to tell him that you used to really love his good night text, do so. Whether you should go beyond that and complain about the tone of his texts more generally is another matter. I think if you did, with respect, you would come across a bit needy and naggy. I’m not convinced that you find long-distance very easy to deal with at all because you have, as you said, posted before about this matter. Unfortunately, however, when there is a wide separation of distance and time zones, you just can’t have that degree of contact all the time. It sounds like you’re both making as much time for each other as is practically possible. Telling you to get over it sounds a bit harsh but I do think you have to try and come to terms with the limitations distance imposes on your relationship. He probably feels that he’s moved on from flirty texts now and much prefers to hear your voice and see your face. Surely, if you have to pick one or the other (and I expect that given your time zones you do), it’s better to have a real conversation?
I wish you all the very best.
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