A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I met a guy online about a month ago. After our 2nd date he started telling me some really personal stuff about himself. I got a run down of all the problems he has ever had in his life including an 8 year relationship that ended badly and his suffering from depression. He just moved over to London 3 months ago and doesn't really know people in London. Over the week end we went out for dinner and he spent the entire time telling me about how negative he is feeling and how he feels his depression might be coming back and he doesn't have anyone to talk to about stuff because he has no friends here. I'm starting to fear that I'm potentially getting myself tangled in something too big for me to handle and don't know the best way to get myself out of it without feeling heartless. Any thoughts? Reply to this Question
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 April 2016): As they all have said he's not ready and needs a therapist. Don't take that role onto yourself. First of all you can't help him, secondly you'll turn into someone else and hate him for it.
I've been there. Until I stopped tolerating this kind of behavior I was not a gf but a nurse!
You do't need this experience.
All the red flags are there, the major ones being:
- telling you all of his stuff/problems so soon
- trying to create an idea of much stronger bond between you two (2nd date, really?)
Let him go.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 April 2016): I'm just going to second all the excellent advice here. You politely let him know that you won't be seeing him again, you can say that you are worried for him and that depression can be managed well and suggest he gets to a doctor and feels settled in life as a priority. You have no reason to feel guilty - you don't know the man.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (5 April 2016):
 I agree, the guy needs a therapist not a GF.
Personally, I end it now. BEFORE you get too attached and start thinking you can "fix" him or something along those lines. THIS is FOR him to fix, NOT you.
He isn't ready to date.
He is so wrapped up in his little "woe is me" world and needs someone to come wallow with him and give him pity parties. However that will NOT fix the problem, that will just enhance his notion that feeling depressed but DOING nothing about it, is the right thing. It's not. Having been there, done that.. I know. Depression is not something you "just" get over. It often takes a bit of help, FROM a TRAINED therapist/counselor/doctor.
Don't FEEL bad. You have discovered he isn't a good match, that he isn't in the right place to date.
Let him down gently and don't offer "friendship" because you feel sorry for him.
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (5 April 2016):
 Or simply, “Josh, thanks for dinner the other night. While I have enjoyed getting to know you a bit better, I have come to realize that we aren’t a match at this point in time. I wish you well in your struggle with depression and that you find a path to happiness.”
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (5 April 2016):
“Noah, let me start by saying I appreciate your honesty with me. It’s refreshing to meet someone who is willing to share their issues in an open and honest way.
“I have to tell you that I’m concerned for you, that your depression is returning and that you state you have no friends here.
“Depression is a medical condition that can be treated successfully with proper intervention. I think you have isolated yourself from people because of this medical condition and I think our talks were a sign that you are reaching out for help.
“I’m not a therapist nor a counselor and so can’t help you through this next bit. My suggestion to you is that you go see your doctor and get help for this depression as soon as possible. I know you are feeling very negative about life and dating in general and I find this difficult to say, but I do think it would be best for you to get that help before dating.
“As for us dating, I’m sorry but I don’t feel comfortable at this point in time in continuing to see you. I know I may be missing out on something but I do feel your mental health should come first and you need to address the depression.
“With best wishes for a happier and healthier future.”
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A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (5 April 2016):
 I think you have valid concerns, and I would back down too. He needs a therapist to talk to about all his problems, not a DATE!
I think you should suggest this to him. Tell him you don't want to date him because he doesn't appear to be in the right place in life for a relationship right now. He needs to figure out all his problems and suggest that he seeks therapy to talk, because you're not equipped to handle his problems and possible depression.
You can wrap it up nicely or any way you like, but you definitely should not get more involved. He sounds like he needs to talk, badly, but you are not the right person for this. He needs a professional.
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A
male
reader, no nonsense Aidan +, writes (4 April 2016):
I’m going to agree with the previous posters. Unfortunately this man is not ready for a relationship now. He is too consumed by his issues and the possible return of depression to be emotionally available enough to build a good, healthy relationship. You don’t need to feel bad or heartless. You’re not responsible for his welfare and his unhappiness doesn’t have anything to do with you as it was there in the beginning. Put yourself first and tell him you don’t wish to continue dating.
I wish you all the very best.
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A
female
reader, miss frank +, writes (4 April 2016):
Just to confirm what the other aunts are saying really, and any further aunts that are likely to comment here too- absolutely get rid of this...whatever it is! You are after a relationship with a man who you are attracted to, that's the deal with you two meeting- I ain't working for you and that's totally understandable! You can end this now with no guilt.
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A
female
reader, Anonymous 123  +, writes (4 April 2016):
 You don't have to feel heartless because you've barely had 3 days with him and even if it was more, you don't owe him anything at all.
You are not his therapist. You're not his parent, his partner or even his friend. You don't have to sympathize with him or even give him a ear because all that'll happen is that he'll drag you down with him.
Just tell him simply and clearly that you don't see this going ahead and wish him well. I strongly suggest that you put an end to this immediately because of more than one reason. For one thing, he doesn't have any friends and might just latch on to you and not want to let go. He also has a depressive steak in him and you never know how that'll play out in matters of rejection.
Just cut off all contact and don't worry about what he or anyone else thinks of you. You need to be happy. That's it.
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A
male
reader, BrownWolf  +, writes (4 April 2016):
Yes...RUN !!!
Do not make it a habit of looking after the wounded puppies. When a hears all the sad stories, you want to help, and feel it is your emotional duty to get the wounded puppy better.
There is a saying "Misery loves company" The moment you start dealing with his misery, it becomes your friend, and soon you will be as depressed as he is.
If he needs help with his depression, let him talk to the right people.
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