A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:ive joined a dating site about a month ago i got chatting to a lovely guy we met up had a great date and made plans to meet again.I took my profile off public so i wouldnt get messages off anyone else , but this dating site is saying I'm online when I'm not.He thinks I'm lying to him.I really like this guy. i know he's had trust issues before and so have I.I want to prove to him i don't lie, but i don't know how to, or even if he would listen Reply to this Question
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reader, anonymous, writes (5 April 2016): This is the same thing that recently happened to me. The man sent me a text saying he didn't tolerate liars and said he saw my profile was still active (but I had deleted it). A week later he sent me an email saying he had trust issues and maybe something was wrong and the site didn't remove my profile and asked if I wanted to go out again. He never said he was sorry, so I didn't bother responding. You're better off without someone who doesn't believe you.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 April 2016): I'm the op. No honeypie that must be someone else. I've decided to leave the site have a break enjoy myself then when I feel the time is right I may go back on . Thanks everyone for your advice.
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female
reader, Tisha-1  +, writes (4 April 2016):
 Just to add to the good advice you’ve already received, if this guy is on the dating site, he’ll learn soon enough how it works. Someone will think he’s still active on the site when he is not. Just a matter of time. Then he’ll know you were telling the truth, by which time, we all hope you’ve found a really lovely guy with no “trust issues” (whatever that means!) and are embarked on a nice dating relationship.
Don’t take what this guy is doing to you personally. He has issues, obviously, and there’s no need to internalize them. Do what he’s doing, externalize that issue and put it back where it belongs, on HIS shoulders.
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female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (4 April 2016):
 You have nothing to PROVE to him. Even if you could show him that you have not been on, he isn't going to believe you... because he doesn't want to.
READ WiseOwlE's advice, I think he is spot on.
And was this the guy who also dumped a previous "contender" due to her political orientation? Same dude?
If it is, why are you wasting your time on him still?
Expecting exclusivity and taking down a profile after 1 date and one month - it's TOO soon. And I think that when YOU let a guy dictate what you can and can not do THIS soon... he will try and dictate other things - this guy has trust issues and YOU CAN NOT fix those.
Let this man back in the pond.
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reader, anonymous, writes (4 April 2016): Does anyone ever think to sit-down on the second date, and actually discuss unsubscribing from the dating site while dating? Meaning face to face, in each others presence. Only after careful consideration, of course! Honesty builds trust. You watch me and I'll watch you unsubscribe!
Then you're dating exclusively for the time being. This is not a commitment. Just a start.
I mean, seriously?!!
Why would you do that on the first date? You've only discussed a second date; and until it's scheduled and actually executed, you have no idea if he's your match.
You don't have to remove yourself from the dating site; until you're both comfortable that you've made a romantic-connection.
Only one date? That was merely an introduction. You don't know each other until further down the road. When you've witnessed different phases of moods, reactions, and anger.
You've given each other a well-rehearsed speech on your likes and dislikes. So what? You can easily tell people what they want to hear. The proof is in your actions. He is just as much under evaluation as you are. Albeit with the insecurities!
If this man is in the same age-group as yourself; and is suffering trust-issues, he's not ready for dating nor a healthy adult relationship. There's a point in maturity when you've had enough experience to be able to readjust yourself between relationships. You take a time-out to work on yourself. If you're in recovery and still sore from the last relationship, dating is okay; but you're not ready to seriously commit to anyone. Keep this in your brain. Allow logic to rule your heart, not loneliness.
People have to leave their emotional-baggage behind, be mentally-adjusted, and psychologically on track before dating and pursing new relationships. I caution you to take it slow and not let your feelings get ahead of you over one good date. Women are more apt to do this than men.
You have no responsibility to help him get over his trust issues. That's a heavy burden to carry. It's frustrating and all the work will be on your end. Trying to prove your trustworthiness to him is unfair. Everyone should be on the same footing. Earning trust from each other. That's what dating is for. Getting to know each other. Learning each others quirks. Not forfeiting your own standards, values, and needs to nurse someone's insecurities.
WARNING: Consider it a red-flag when people have trust issues. They tend to be suspicious, clingy, and paranoid all the time. In my book, that particular insecurity is a deal-breaker. I don't care how good a date goes. One date does not sum-up or predict how things will continue over time. You should be optimistic if it goes well.
Take time to get well acquainted. Stop fretting about the site activity indicators. Get in-touch with the monitors and site administrative staff and correct it. Do it together.
Above all, listen when people tell you they have any sort of emotional baggage. That is reason to take pause. You want someone who has their head together, not someone you're going to share an emotional roller-coaster ride with. You'll be the one hurt in the end. For ignoring all the warning signs. You've got the yellow-light.
He has already warned you that he will not trust you and went so far as to prove it. Which is presuming he's more vulnerable than you. Be that the case, come back when you're better.
If you're in the same boat, and also have those same insecurities; that's a bad match from the very start. You will not heal each other, you will only drain each others energy. You'll fight and cry a lot.
Insecurity kills relationships. Trust is built over time and comes from withstanding challenges together. There is no way you can just meet someone, and instantly be trusted. If anyone is that naive, they're not playing with a full deck! If he is assuming you are lying about unsubscribing and you have, he's whacked. He is on the very same dating site; and should be receiving the same kind of activity indicators you see when your profile is active on the site.
Keep your head on straight, girlfriend. He can't dump the distrust he has for other women on you. He must man-up or move-on.
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female
reader, Ciar  +, writes (4 April 2016):
 A month in is way too soon to be dealing with trust issues.
To be honest, I'd let this one go. When you start out in a deficit (real or imagined) you can never dig yourself out of the hole.
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female
reader, miss frank +, writes (4 April 2016):
Hi. I wonder if after one date you should even be having such conversations? Id be frank with him and say you've hidden it, if he doesn't believe you on this then there will be bigger issues ahead for you with this guy in telling you now...plus you don't owe him anything right now regarding not dating or chatting to others, its been one date?
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male
reader, BrownWolf +, writes (4 April 2016):
You have a guy who does not trust you now over something so simple, and so soon into your relationship. What makes you think it will get better down the road??
You have trust issues and he has trust issues...so you will have a perfect relationship...right??? Two wrongs do not make things right.
Find someone who can trust you, so that you can get over your own trust issues. You want to have a relationship where you are walking on egg shells around him so he keeps trusting you?? Where is the fun in that??
You told him the truth, and if he does not believe you...too bad...deal with it. If he can't, neither can you...and you move on.
When you see things like this, it's warning...not something to hold on to.
Fix your own issues before you try to fix someone else issues.
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