A
female
age
,
*crambled brain
writes:Hi, Some of you may remember me from a while ago. Last June after going through a very unloving, frigid time due to the menopause (I think) I found my husband had been texting a work colleague and continued to do so (I naively assumed it had stopped) until he made the mistake of leaving some more texts on his phone in July. The first lot I discovered mentioned loving and missing each other and the second lot mentioned her sulking as we were going on holiday and feeling guilty about leading him on as they'd done nothing YET!!!!! I was very relieved to read that. However he did reply, 'Don't feel guilty, I told you I'd wait, it somehow makes it more exciting'. I obviously confronted him again (this was the day before our 31st wedding anniversary) and he was mortified and full of remorse and insisted it was just a game that had got out of hand etc. etc. and it would stop there and then. I assume he contacted her to tell her this. We went away on holiday and apart from when I brought it up, were blissfully happy. I have struggled through the year to come to terms with it and we have had many arguments and threats from him to leave if I don't stop bringing it up and I've blown it out of all proportion. He has since shown me all his phone bills to prove there's no contact and I asked him several times if he had another phone and he made me feel stupid for even thinking that. Surprise, surprise, I discovered on 1st April (fool's day) that he indeed had got a pay as you go last September for her exclusive use. Everything blew up big style and I rang her and the phone company, he made over 150 texts to her in March and loads in the other months. She said they were just good friends. He said he had to text her due to work related problems which were ongoing (this was true and I knew about that) and that was all he needed the phone for, and there was nothing sexy going on. I also insisted I wanted to see his phone bills from last year (which he refused to show me at the time) and was horrified at the frequency and length of phone calls and texts during June and July. He also admitted that they met in the park on 'a couple' of occasions at lunch time to 'sign work related papers' which I suspected from the wording of one of the texts I'd seen but he denied at the time that's what it meant. Now over a year on from the original discovery and I can't ever see me getting over it all. He shows he loves me every day and always has done (that is certainly true). I just CAN NOT trust him ever again. It's torture not being able to trust the person you love most in all the world and would have trusted with your life. I check his phone and emails every day (he doesn't actually know I can access either) and there is absolutely nothing suspicious. I am sure they have no contact but then I thought that before discovering the secret phone. I think I can definately say that this has made us both so ill he wouldn't contemplate doing it again but there is that little piece of me that thinks maybe, when this has all died down. I am tormenting myself every day and she is in my mind every minute. I go over and over and over the wording of the texts I saw and wonder about the hundreds of others I didn't. I wonder if the secret phone was for sex texts and did the relationship become physical after the text I read saying they'd done nothing yet although I would have thought that sex would have taken place by last July as this whole thing had been going on for 4 months by that time. I need help and advice. I am getting worse not better the longer I have to dwell on it. Our relationship is fantastic apart from her shadow. We literally argue about absolutely nothing except when I bring her up. For example, the other day I mentioned about one of the other women coming on holiday with us this year has the same name as the work colleague and how would I cope every time he called her by her name. This started yet another argument. Am I pathetic or is it normal to feel like this for so long? I just don't know how to get over it and it is ruining our lives as the threat of an argument over her is always there. My husband just wants to forget it all and says he wishes with all his heart it had never happened but it did and we have got to move on and it meant nothing, it was just a stupid, ego boosting game to reduce the boredom of every day life and never ever meant to damage our marriage or get found out (easy for him to say). I know he is right and that it's up to me as he can't do any more than he is doing to love and reassure me. Help please.
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anniversary, frigid, her ex, move on, on holiday, text, wedding Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (20 July 2009): Hi Scrambled brain, i always wonder how you are keeping and seems bham, you write another post about his affair. you are not pathetic, you are human, with emotions and pain, pain caused by your hb's callous and sad treatment of you. i have read every post you have sent through and i have tried to respond to all. yes, it is sad what you are going through. but surely it is now time for some healing. slowly you are losing the plot with these words, thoughts and images of them and especially of her. please take note of all the other responses you have received. they make so much of sense. baby duck and others have given you valuable insight into what you are going through. i will not dwell too much into the emotional aspects since i believe the other aunts words have made up to realise that you are justified in feeling the way you do. (hang in there, kid, one day your sun will shine again)
one particular thing i want to point out. if indeed your hb is still hiding his "relationship" from you, you need to start wising up. i always advocate women, such as you, becoming financially fit. i know you are a stay at home wife, and that finances seem to be ok. but please listen for a moment. there are so many millions of women who never see an end coming. i am not saying that your marriage is doomed , what i am saying is this:
you are indeed a wise woman, you have invested almost 30(?) years with your hb. do your homework regarding finances. see what is in both your names, how are you married. do you have spare money put away for that rainy day? look at your possessions. make a detailed note (a detailed inventory) of assets and liabilities. know the true extent of your finances. does your hb hide away any moeny, can you account for everything.
monitor, monitor and observe, observe. be subtle and do not think, oh, he wouldn't do this to me. stop right there - you don't know what he is getting up to, the proof is him hiding his emotional attachment to this other married woman. i am not telling you to be underhanded in your allocated finances - i am just telling you to be aware of all finaces/ assets/liabilities. please take my suggestion seriously. in the end being financially aware will not hurt you, it will only strengthen you.
good luck and stay safe. please try to be peaceful. and enjoy your life- it is so precious. we have one life to live, please make every moment count.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (20 July 2009): No you are not pathetic. HE is. I know exactly what your going through, as i'm going through the same as you. I found out 2 years ago that my partner was cheating and lying to me, I still can't get it out of my head, and every time I look at him, it all comes flooding back. Like my one your one has screwed with your head. I so wish I could get the courage to tell him to go. Its made me so ill and him, but I don't care how ill he gets he deserves it. I do not trust him one little bit, even when his in the same room as me, i'm wondering all the time whats going on his his mind. I know for sure that he had sex with these women, like you I hacked into his email account. And saw the pictures of him shagging them. And he had the front to say it wasn't him. I know this is not advice, I just wanted you to know that your not alone and your certainly not pathetic. Good luck I sincerely hope you manage to sort this all out one way or another x
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A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (20 July 2009):
 I think we all work though betrayal in different ways. Yours is by "supervising" your husband. Monitoring his every movements.
I think you husband is being honest when he says, that it was a game to boost his ego. It rarely is love, cheaters seek - it is that "worshipping", the attention and excitement. The fact that the cheater is doing something that can hurt himself ( and the family) is pretty much on the back burner. From what I have read, most cheaters believe that if it is "just" flirting with no physical contact it is not really cheating, it's a "game". But they are wrong, so so wrong.
He didn't mean to get found out. That again is 100% honest. Because when/if he got found out "the game" would have to stop.
You need to express to him how you perceived this whole thing. If it felt like cheating then you need to tell him. What he did is called an emotional affair.
Also you need to be honest with yourself. You need to understand that YOU did NOT make him do this. Yes, maybe intimacy wasn't as it could have been due to (menopause or whatever) it is still no excuse for him to do what he did.
He needs to OWN his actions. You need to consider what you want. You want to stay? If you do you need to forgive (first) yourself, because for whatever reason you are blaming yourself for this mess. Secondly (when you are ready) forgive him for his stupid actions. Just like the betrayal didn't happen overnight, nor do forgiveness. It takes time. First step would be for you two to talk OPEN about what happened. He should answer any and all questions you have and you NEED to stop with the snooping. You are his WIFE, not his mother. You should not HAVE to supervise his actions to see if he is doing wrong, he is a grown man and SHOULD know better. Now that he knows HOW it affected you ( and his) life and marriage he needs to earn back your trust and respect, THAT is HIS job, BUT you will have to give him the benefit of the doubt.
Rebuilding trust is not easy. It is hard work. But when you snoop, you undermine yourself and him.
As it turned out your earlier gut feeling turned out to be right. He was doing something he shouldn't and he lied. He lied and lied. That again needs to stop. You can not trust a liar.
I would suggest that you at least look into some counseling. Mostly for you. For you to forgive. I can tell you why. If you don't it will eat at you over and over, and you will not have the life you deserve.
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A
male
reader, Your friend  +, writes (20 July 2009):
 You know if this keeps up it will be you who takes the joy out of your relationship not her. If you can't work this out on your own you will need to see a psychologist who can help you with managing your uncontrolled thoughts. Having said that I can understand why you can't let it go as it has happened twice.
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A
female
reader, scrambled brain +, writes (20 July 2009):
scrambled brain is verified as being by the original poster of the questionBaby duck. I thank you so much for that reply, especially the last bit about live in the moment. It has helped a lot x
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