A
male
age
36-40,
*nadin
writes:Hi, yet another issue of trustIv had a long discussion with my gf about her talking to her ex and this guy she lied about a couple of times and also kissed, told her it unsettles me and i dont really feel secure because of it. she- however - does not understand how it can unsettle me...shes a bit black and white with splodges of grey. i know im asking alot of her not to lie to me at all 100% and dont expect miracles because people tell little white lies every-so-often, no such as not lying, its the intensity or the impact of the lie i feel is important to a degree, other lies are just not worth telling like "im not talking to this guy" when you basically are and know u should be admitting to it. she feels trust is unconditional in a relationship, she says it comes from one person and because she dosent ask me questions, i shouldnt ask her. i dispute this thinking in my mind....trust is earned, and actions of someone ur trying to trust...ie trustworthy behaviour. now, she says that if i was to ask her if she's cheating she would leave...i feel a bit trapped now because i was looking over her shoulder when she got a text from her ex, i only caught half of it, so cant be 100% sure, it said "will u be sleeping with me tuesday?" and the rest of the text was cut-off *(at this point i must stress she didnt know i was behind her and could read her texts)*she then replied with "only if your a good boy lol" i really cannot beleive my eyes when i saw this, why didnt she just say no, i havent confronted her about it, i pretended to jump her, she promptly hid her phone away needless to say...isnt it disrespectful to flirt with ur ex ike that? let alone give him hope of cheating, i feel so insecure because of this, and confused because the guy sends her i miss you and i love you messages to wind me up when she is with me....iv threatened to leave and he's taken it down a pitch, but still sends her miss you and love you messages, she says its just general joking around....( i dont look at her phone, i catch glimpses of the front screen when she goes to read her text and takes a minute to think about turning the screen away, and she tells me he does this.)i feel trapped because i dont feel like i can talk to her about my insecurities anymore. she threatens leaving if i cant learn to accept she talks to her ex, and this other bloke she kissed in a club. she feels that shes told me anough that nothing will happen (twice is enough? then she carrys on like nothings happend or been discussed). i cant leave either cause its too hard, most of the time i try and occupy my mind with work and tidying things up etc, when im not doing that i over-think things, or second guess myself - am i paranoid i ask? am i over-reacting, and why do i feel a little bit traped about expressing myself - shes basically said i cant express that insecure feeling anymore, if iv mis-interpreted what shes said, im still scared to.
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flirt, her ex, I love you, insecure, text, trapped Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, GrimmReality  +, writes (9 February 2010):
 You are dating a liar and a cheater.
I live my life in all relationships with other person based on the Law of three lies. I'll post it for you now so you will have a little motivation to grow some balls and get this tramp out of your life.
When considering a relationship of any kind, practice the Rule of Threes regarding the claims and promises a person makes, and the responsibilities he or she has. One lie, one broken promise or a single neglected responsibiltiy may be a misunderstanding instead. Two may involve a serious mistake. But three lies says you're dealing with a liar, and deceit is the linchpin of conscienceless behavior. Cut your losses and get out as soon as you can. Leaving, though it may be hard, will be easier now than later, and less costly. Do not give your money, your work, your secrets or your affection to a three-timer. Your valuable gifts will be wasted.
A
female
reader, Sydnee +, writes (8 February 2010):
Dear Anadin
I completely understand why you feel so unsecure
and it is disrespectful of her not to take your feelings into consideration, the fact that she avoids the questions could suggest that something is going on, she is using your emotions as a threat against you and no-one should have to endure that. personally i don't think you're being paranoid and since she has cheated already, even a kiss is betrayal, the best option for you would be to leave, i know it would be unbearably painful to start off with believe me, however in time you will move on and realise that leaving her was for the best
i truly hope this helps
Good Luck
Sydnee x
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A
female
reader, cassie m +, writes (8 February 2010):
you are not over reacting. you know what she is doing is wrong so why aren't you confronting her? if she was to leave she would have done it by now. there is no such thing as being friends with an ex and especially when he is sending i love you messages. why don't you sit down and talk about boundaries?? ask to look at her phone as it will reasurre you, you can't help being paranoid i think anybody in your situation would.
She did not reply no to the message he sent about sleeping with him because its fun to her. let her know you wont put up with it, why dont you leave? or give it a break and see what she feels like after? she may realise that she was wrong and wouldn't risk texting or talking to her ex if it means she will loose you. and if she doesn't do you really want to be with someone that doesn't respect you and make you feel trapped.
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