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female
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anonymous
writes: Hi, a week or so ago my boyfriend's ex rang him to find out how his interview went... when she rang he left the room to talk to her and an argument ensued. When he came back into the room I asked if he was ok and he responded saying "Nothing, it's not important; it doesn't matter!" I confronted him about the whole thing and he said it was the first time he'd spoken to her in months and the relationship was definitely over and I was the one he wanted now... the problem is in my upset state I checked his phone when he was out of the room and saw he had a missed call from her two weeks before and he had rang her back straight afterwards.I'm not sure whether to take this as a big lie he was keeping from me (i.e. saying he hadn't spoken to her in months when really it wasn't even two weeks) or could it merely be that he didn't tell me because he didn't want to hurt me and didn't think there was any reason to tell me as it wasn't anything bad/anything for me to worry about???
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female
reader, willywombat  +, writes (4 March 2006):
 You need to confront this guy. Obviously she is chasing him, but unless you intervene she might just be able to win him back.....sit him down and tell him you snooped. Do not let the following discussion be about your snooping, but about why he felt the need to lie to you. And then go with your intuition and make your choice....stay or go.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (23 February 2006): You are in a relationship with a man who is still has 'ex gf' baggage. But before you jump to conclusions, you need to understand a few things. This doesn't mean he does 'not' love you. It does not mean he is still attached to her or even cares. However, she may might feel attached to him. He could be a 'rescuer' who is having a difficult time letting go of the 'connection' without feeling tremendously guilty. You've made your thoughts known. So now, he must set some tough boundries with her (out of respect for you) stop all contact. But first, take a deep breath and sit him down. In a calm, but strong way let him know, that you are feeling her presence and it is hurting this relationship; that it seems, he is appearing to show more concern than necessary, for her; that you think his feelings for her can prevent him from going forward with you and that you expect him to end any and all contact with her. If he is defensive-then you don’t sit around and wait for him to wake up and smell the coffee. Get out-leave-at least for awhile. Before you leave, tell him how much you care for him but you care about your emotional well-being way too much to allow this to go on. Encourage him to take time to make a decision...you or her. Invite him to contact you when he is truly ready to love you..in the way you deserve. He may call you-he may not. You take a big risk but look at this way...no matter what, you were true to yourself and you valued yourself enough not to tolerate being 2nd best. All in all, you still come out a winner-self-respect well earned and still intact. Good luck, dear .
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A
male
reader, eddie  +, writes (22 February 2006):
 He sounds evasive. You have reason to be upset. You snooped becasue you had a gut feeling. You were correct. I'd like to know why he's lying. You'll n ever get past it if you don't confront him. This will haunt you. Deal with it now. If he didn't want to hurt you, he probably shouldn't have been talking to her if he knew it would bother you. On the other hand, you sound like you might be the jealous type and maybe you don't give him any breathing room.
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A
male
reader, juttandmeff +, writes (22 February 2006):
I hate to say it, but doesn't your reaction explain why he didn't tell you about the call? As a (twice separated) man, it was always a nightmare when the ex called when I was with my second partner. If I went out the room, it looked like I was hiding something. If I stayed and was civil, it was always 'why didn't you tell her to...' when it was over. If you don't trust him, then leave or tell him to go. If you do, stop snooping around. There's an old saying about eavesdroppers never hearing good of themselves, and delving around other people's phones is the modern equivalent of listening at keyholes. I can completely understand his dilemma, and the fact that you checked his phone rather than take his word means that he was probably right not to tell you - it would simply have caused an argument for nothing.
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A
female
reader, sam12344321 +, writes (22 February 2006):
 hi there, your boyfriend might be just good friends with his ex, this happens quite alot, i recently split with my boyfriend and he has a new girlfriend, i still ring him to ask how things are, its because you still care about them, nothing else.i think you may br overreacting or you might not be, but it dosn't really sound as if he wants to be with her, especially if he has told you he wants you.try and sit him down and talk to him, ask him how he feels about your relationship? ask if he still has feelings for his ex? things like that but keep the conversation civil, hope this helps :)
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A
female
reader, beenthere +, writes (22 February 2006):
I don't think it is anything for you to worry about. you are probably right in that he didn't want to hurt you. If he argues with her when he speaks to her then it might just be that he didn't want to talk about it.
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