A
female
age
36-40,
*etGirl
writes:My boyfriend and I met in college where we were first friends and now have been dating for 4 years. I would love for him to propose to me sometime soon. However,I do not have a job and without the financial stability of two incomes (his and mine), not only would we be unable to afford a wedding but he would not even propose. So naturally, I have been hunting for a good job but, it has been 8 months and my search still continues. Last week, I applied for a job that I really think I can get, but even if that issue is resolved, there is a larger overall problem; time. Call me crazy but I want a June wedding that is as nice as a once-in-a-lifetime event should be. But, I did the math. We would have to start saving by Oct. 1st to afford a minimally decent wedding by June 2012. That means we would need to be engaged by the end of September. That means time is running out for me to find a job and allow lag time for my boyfriend to be "really sure", and than start saving. I do not think either of us can wait an extra year due to the fact that we are in a (long distance)celebrate relationship and though I have never had sex his desire for it and my longing to move to the "forever" stage of our relationship is taking its toll. I want this torture to end! And, I want it to end soon!So, my question is am I over-analyzing/ over-stressing about my situation? Or is my restlessness justified? And how do I convey my sense of urgency to my boyfriend without revealing too much?
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, RedAthena +, writes (17 August 2011):
 You are actually UNDER thinking this.
You are setting yourself up for failure in a relationship that means the world to you.
You are focused on the fantasy need of wanting the dream wedding and trying to make your circumstances fit the desire.
You are pushing yourself, and your bf into a place of pressure and unreasonable expectations.
You are not choosing marriage for the right reasons. You are impatient for sex and focused on the image of a June wedding.
If your bf was ready to propose-he would have by now:)
Take a deep breath and grasp that you are not ready for the ideal or tone down your expectations.
The worst way to start a marriage is with unreasonable expectations, fueled with pressure to rush to the altar.
The man more that the wedding.
A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (17 August 2011):
 Why does it have to be a June wedding ? Why does it have to be necessarily June 2012 ? Why does it have to be a big fancy wedding that you need saving a lot of money for ?
Yeah well, because that's what you want what you dream and what you wish. Tastes are tastes and they are indisputable. But...the fact that you are so hung up on the exterior , superficial stuff of the wedding, frankly makes me wonder whether you are really mature and ready for actually getting married.
You seem to think that the most important thing about getting married is that you get to play princess with a beatiful white gown on a radiant June morning. Which it is surely very nice, but getting married is not about playing dress up . In fact, I think that if you were actually into the groom, and not just into the "wedding " , you'd marry him ASAP no matter what's the season,or the banquet hall.
Luckily, I don't even need to pull your ears too much, because with all our dreams and schemes, often reality intrudes, and it's for the best.
As it is, you have no other choice than to do things one step at the time, and timing is not under your control, so relax and let things develop properly. First you need to find a good job, then you need to be able and STAY in this job for a while , then you need to start saving. At which time, your bf will probably feel supported enough to pop the question and will save money too, and if you both are really so chomping at the bite and want to get married soon, you'll see that spontaneously you'll decide for the first realistically possible date , even if it's not June , and spontaneously you'll decide to cut back on flowers or champagne or whatnot...just so that you can be married and together.
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A
female
reader, k_c100  +, writes (17 August 2011):
 Yes you are over-stressing here. Love should not have a time-limit, there should be none of these pressures that you are placing on yourself here.
If you want sex, just have sex when you next see each other. I hate it when people say they dont want to have sex before marriage, but then rush the marriage because they are so desperate to have sex! If you want sex then just have sex, that way your physical needs are met without forcing yourselves into a marriage that you cant afford and may well not be ready for.
Getting married in a particular month should be irrelevant - you are letting the wedding become more important than the marriage here and that is a recipe for disaster. Try and remember why you want to marry him in the first place - and that should have nothing to do with what time of year you get to say 'I do'.
If you love him and really do want to spend the rest of your life with him, then all of these silly details shouldnt matter. You should want to marry him anywhere, anytime, in front of anyone - it is him that matters, not the details. You are committing to spend the rest of your life with another person, these vows are going to bind you forever - who the hell cares if you get married in June, July, October...the vows are the same at any time of the year and the committment is the same whenever you make it.
You should want to get married because you want to make that committment, not because you want a pretty summer wedding. If you get married for the wrong reasons, then I can guarantee you will end up divorced. Get married because you want to be married, not because you want a wedding. If you dont know what that means - you are not ready for marriage and you dont understand what you are getting yourself into.
What you need to do is calm down, you have found the man you want to spend the rest of your life with - you are incredibly lucky, some people never even meet the right man. Getting married tomorrow, or getting married in 2015 - it isnt going to make a difference, you will still love each other and still want to be with each other forever regardless of the piece of paper proving it.
Find a job - get that hurdle out of the way and then start thinking more seriously about marriage. You cant force him to propose, and if it is your lack of a job that is stopping him from proposing - well you need to get that sorted before you can even start talking marriage with him.
Once you have a job, you can start saving money for the wedding even without having a ring on your finger. Just because he hasnt proposed yet doesnt mean he isnt going to at all, so start saving without him knowing and you will have a head start. Even if (worst case scenario) he never proposes and you split up, you will just have some savings that are always useful for other things.
So once you have your job, and have started saving - then try talking to your boyfriend about the future and when he thinks he wants to get married etc. Find out where he stands, when he wants to get married etc and that will give you a better idea of when it might happen.
But at the end of the day, the most important thing is that you have each other and you love each other, wedding or no wedding that isnt going to change. It will happen when the time is right, and the important thing is that you are getting married - not the money, not the month.....all of that is insignificant.
I hope this helps and good luck!
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