A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:hello ive been dating my bf for a year now. He is 51 I am 47. He has an ex and three children. I have two children . We live seperatly. He and his ex do not follow the child support schedule its been now 6 years that they have not been together and she has not remarried or him as well so everything is at randoms moment. is it selfish of me to ask for him in the possible future to look at maybe changing slowing over to following his child support schedule? If there are any extras like programs or dr.s visits maybe those can be rotated??? I do care for his children.
View related questions:
his ex Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (12 October 2016):
 Yes, you would be way out of line. As of now, you are just the lady he goes out with, it's not your place to try managing his finances and telling him what he is allowed to spend on his kids.
I could sort of understand your complaint if your bf sticked religiously to his child support duties and THEN were also always requested to intervene for extras ( although, this too is not wrong per se- in case he earns sensibly more than his ex, and in case he actually takes pleasure and pride in doing all he can for his kids, even if not technically obliged ).
But from your post it would sound like he does not pay a fixed monthly sum, he pays more randomly on an " as needed " basis. So, for all you know, he might have had long periods of time paying little or nothing in the past, and just being hit for cash more often lately.
Anyway, it seems this very fluid arrangement works for them.... and if the ex is not complaining about the randomness of things, why should you complain.
This , if we are talking about money.
But , I think maybe SVC had a brilliant intuition ( congrats , SVC ! I Always said that you are a smart one ! ) and maybe you are talking about TIME ? That you cannot count on seeing your bf at set days and times, because something could come up for which he is called to take his kids somewhere ? ...
Uhm. Even so, I would tread lightly if I were in your place. I understand your frustration, in case you have to reschedule your plans because of his kids' wants and needs- but you have to think that, ultimately, no matter how much he cares about you, his own kids come first ( and I suppose, that, as a mother, you understand it well ): So his priority will be to make them happy and to spend as much time with them as he can, within the schedule or not. I imagine his kids will not be babies but teenagers or even young adults. And when kids grow life gets complicated. THEY have their own social life, birthday parties, sports games, dates, etc.... and no matter what the Court said, a parent inevitably has to be flexible. There's no point instisting for sticking to the schedule, - ... and spend the weekend with a resentful, sulky teenager who wanted to be somewhere else THIS weekend and visit Dad the next. And, as for the doctor visits and stuff- yes, maybe he could have their mother bring them, but have you thought that as the parent who does not get to live with them and to be physically with them all the time- probabaly he WELCOMES these imptomptu extra hours ?...
A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (12 October 2016):
 CHILD SUPPORT to me means the payments he makes to his ex for his children. Is that being followed?
Do you mean child visitation? IF there is NO scheduled visitation and the children are young then a schedule is better for the children.
IF they are older, (mid teens or later) then a lot of the visitation schedule gets interrupted with school and friend events. At least that was my experience as the NCP with my kids as they got older.
The only thing I have ever seen that has happened is when a parent has every other weekend visitation and they start seriously dating someone else who has EOW visitation and the weekends are OFF... ONE of the partners (usually the one with the BETTER relationship with the EX) will ASK if they can change the weekend to the other one so that it matches their new partners so that they have kids on the same weekend (this means they have no kids at the same time every other weekend) This works well for two things.
1. for before the new partner has met the kids dating is easier as you don't need a babysitter
and
2. for once it's serious enough to start getting the kids together it's already coordinated
IF you mean he's paying his agreed upon amount regularly and properly and your concern is that he is paying more than he is "supposed" to be, then NO it's NOT your place to ask for any changes in what he gives his children.
...............................
A
female
reader, Ciar  +, writes (12 October 2016):
 I think you should stay out of his finances and whatever arrangements, however loose, he has with his ex.
Caring about their children is great, but it's not an invitation to poke around their business.
...............................
A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious  +, writes (12 October 2016):
 In my opinion? WAAAAAAAAY out of line.
You are in what is essentially still a very casual young relationship. You have only been dating a year. You are not even living together.
Are your boyfriend's current arrangements impacting on you or your children in some way? If not, then I really think you need to stay out of whatever arrangements he has with his ex to care for their children. Do you feel threatened in some way by the fact they don't formalise these arrangements and can tick along happily on a friendly casual basis?
...............................
A
female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (11 October 2016):
 You have only been dating for a year and you are not even living together so I really don't think you should get involved in his financial business. It is there choice not to follow the child support scheme, maybe they can sort out finances between them and they are willing to put the children first. Why is it you want him to change to a scheme? Is it not better for him to communicate with his ex and see what his children need? I honestly think you should allow them to parent there children and keep out off it. Off course you are entitled to your opinion, but how would you feel if your ex's girlfriend told him what to spend on your children?
...............................
A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (11 October 2016):
 I wouldn't try and dictate how he does his finances as you are not married, nor engaged or.. living together.
You can suggest he makes the child support official for the sake of the kids. But I think it's really up to him HOW he chooses to do this.
If it seems like he is spending WAY more than you think he should or it makes dents in YOUR finances because he can't budget or tell his ex no, YOU need to NIP that in the bud, as in... DO NOT take on paying for him. If he can't afford to do XYZ because he is giving his ex-wife money, then he can't afford it.
How old are the kids?
...............................
|
